He pisses me off and I want to lash out at him. He's, in an unkind description, a leg-less beggar, who panhandles a few blocks south of here. I see him often because we go by where he begs to go to the theatre. For some reason that has nothing to do with me or my behaviour, he has decided to target me for 'abuse' or 'teasing' whenever I go by. Every single time.
He calls out 'Fat Boy' or 'Big Ass' or 'Lump of Lard' whenever I go pass. I look on as if I do not hear his taunts and simply go on. I've instructed Joe to do the same. So we simply impassively go by him letting him know that he has no effect on either of us.
But he does.
He pisses me off.
I'm going to get killed for admitting to this but sometimes I think to myself, 'Bloody cripple'. Isn't that horrible. Self hating language that doesn't feel like self hate, it feels like 'other' hate. And yet 'other' hate is something I fight against. I don't like using that language and I castigate myself for even thinking it. I subject myself to hours of self evaluation because of what I thought but did not say - knowing that he will never bother to think about what he actually did say. Sheesh.
I want to feel a commonality with others who have disabilities a 'you and me against the world' kind of sentiment. Like today a guy got on the WheelTrans bus on his way to a hospital for some treatment. He talked with me and said, 'They don't care about us they just wish we were dead so we wouldn't use up their fucking tax dollars.' He blustered on about this and that and was fairly course in his speech and manner, but cool, he got the 'us-ness' of it and though I thought his views a tad extreme, I did understand where he was coming from. I liked his automatic assumption that I would have had enough experience that he could talk to me as a comrade.
But this guy, the one with no legs and cruel manner.
We ain't comrades.
In fact, I kinda hate him.