I think I had an 'ah ha' moment which answered a question I've been asking myself recently. Let me tell you what led up to it, then I'll tell you what it was. I was doing a training yesterday morning up near Davisville subway stop and, as that stop is wheelchair accessible, Joe and I decided just to subway up. This meant that I got to go in my power chair and thus it would be only the second time, ever, that I've presented to an audience in that chair. I was pleased at being able to move freely around while talking. So, in order to get to the realization, I've got to let you into my extremely private thoughts, so, get your boots on, it's going to be muddy.
So, we left and I started thinking, no that's not exact, worrying:
Worry Number One: While riding up to the subway station: "It's rush hour and there will be thousands of people on the subway, I've never travelled at rush hour before. I wonder if there will be room on for me on the platform. Anyone could accidentally hit my joystick and send me careening over the edge. Remember how when you were looking at pants for Joe in the Bay and the pants caught on the joystick and you'd dragged the whole display over and knocked over a mannequin before you untangled the pants, oh my gosh, you have to watch the joystick. People won't notice. What if I can't get on? What if there isn't room for me on the subway car? What if I can't get through the crowd to get on the train?"
By now, I'm at the train and on the platform.
Worry Number Two: While getting on the train: "I have to get into position or my chair will roll, I have to back into the space in front of the door. Oh, no, there are people there, I'll have to ask them to move. Remember last time and the person got really pissed off when you asked them to move, what if they get pissed off again, I've got to hurry, the train is about to start moving. Oh, good, they were nice about it, the woman even smiled. OK, I'm in place. Oh, no. I've never gone north on the subway, I don't know which side the stations are on, what if I'm in the door where people need to get off? I'll be in the way. Oh, good I'm at the front of the train, I'll be able to see and move if necessary. Oh, no. I hope I don't have to move because there is no room. OK, Rosedale is on the other side. Ok, Summerhill is on the other side. I think I remember that St. Clair is in the middle so I'll be in the way, oh, no, oh, OK it's on the other side too. Davisville which side will Davisville be on. Oh, people are lining up for the stop across from me, it will be ok."
By now, I'm getting off at Davisville.
Worry Number Three: On the platform: "Where is the elevator, there are a bunch of doors going in, that's where everyone is going, I'll follow them. I don't see the wheelchair symbol, maybe it's not there. That woman told me that there was no elevator and shooed me away like a child, why do people talk to me like that. Remember the time the sales clerk told me that I shouldn't shop in the store unless I had my Mom or a staff with me? Oh, there is the wheelchair symbol. YIKES, it's a narrow passageway, drive carefully, carefully, carefully, carefully. Is it good in a man my age for my heart to beat so fast Icelanders could polka to it? Oh, there is the elevator. Oh. No. I didn't check the website to see if the elevator was down. What if it's down. I'll be late, I hate being late. Oh, the light came on when we pushed the button, that's a good sign. Here is the elevator. The door looks small, what if I can't fit ... oh, it's tight but I can get in."
By now, I'm on the street rolling towards where the presentation will happen.
Worry Number Four: Riding off to work: "What if the elevator goes down while I'm here. How will we get home. It's cold out and I can't ride all the way to the next stop. We should have brought the car. But I like taking the subway. Oh. No. We should have thought this through. If it goes down we're just stuck. Remember when we tried to go to the Ballet with Ruby and the elevator was down. That was a long ride. Oh, wait, they have two elevators, surely they won't both go down. We could just ride the other way until we find a stop where we can cross over. That will work."
I arrive at my destination.
My realization? The Question Answered?
I know why I'm tired all the time.
13 comments:
Oh Dave,
had to cry after reading your last sentence: "I know why I'm tired all the time."
Beside my body being tired because of lack of oxygen that is the other cause of me being constently tired. The inner thought- process always worrying about the what ifs.
And what if necessary, nobody is going to help me?
I am grateful, you shared this thought-process, feels good to know, that others go trough it too. Feels bad to know that they have to...
Julia
I just had a flashback to my time in New York. The gaps between the subway cars and the platform nearly absorbed the tires on my daughters wheelchair. I was terrified the doors were going to close on us separating her and I. I feared it would start to move and she would get plastered into the oncoming cement wall or thrown underneath. If it wasn't for the help of a stranger, this may have come true.
We won't be doing that again.
If the world was more accessible, these fears and thoughts wouldn't exist. Till then, if you figure out a sure fire way to quiet the monkey mind, let me know. I could use a cure too.
Oh, you've made me realise one reason it was ME who was tired all the time. My daughter didn't seem to worry about access much at all -she just went where she wanted and did what she wanted - it was me, as her Mum, that worried - just you do - a lot....
Rachael
gosh, yes that sounds exhausting. thanks for the insight.
No wonder you go to bed with the chickens...
Thanks for letting us inside your head. I feel like I've learned something very important that would be much more difficult to envision any other way...
P.S. It's a wonder you don't just stay home. It's a testimony to who you are that you don't... I'm afraid I would. :(
The minute I read "as that stop is wheelchair accessible", the first thought that ran into my head was "I hope he checked the website to make sure the elevator is working". :-)
It kind of seems like you're beyond just worrying - it's more like always trying to create Plan B based on previous experiences of what obstacle might be around the next turn. Kind of like walking through the jungle waiting for the next wild beast to jump out in front of you.
Sounds totally exhausting.
Very interesting seeing that other folks thought processes are similar. But Dave, the visual with the joy stick, pants caught and mannequins toppled over is too funny.
Isn't it a shame that you can't burn calories just by worrying? It would certainly help me!!!!!
Would also be nice if we could pass some of our worrying off to someone else when we are tired.
Thanks for sharing this. It's nice to know I'm not the only person hosting such craziness inside my head! I'm a great actress, because people are always telling me how patient, calm, easygoing, cheerful, etc I am. But I'm just covering for the insane amount of fear and anxiety I have about everything. It's somehow validating and reassuring to consider this part of the disability experience, and not a major personal character flaw!
OK, I laughed. In recognition.
Being disabled means always thinking ahead, always worrying, always having at least one, preferably several, contingency plans.
Glad it went well.
Same, same for me. Worry, worry about going out, especially to new places. Sometimes I just have to take several practice runs. It is so tiring and draining to worry, worry.
Yes, this; it's good to know it's not just me. I'm blind, have issues with my ears and other medical things that cause dizziness, and a horrible sense of direction. It's always thinking what-if and trying to have contingency plans while traveling.
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