I think I had an 'ah ha' moment which answered a question I've been asking myself recently. Let me tell you what led up to it, then I'll tell you what it was. I was doing a training yesterday morning up near Davisville subway stop and, as that stop is wheelchair accessible, Joe and I decided just to subway up. This meant that I got to go in my power chair and thus it would be only the second time, ever, that I've presented to an audience in that chair. I was pleased at being able to move freely around while talking. So, in order to get to the realization, I've got to let you into my extremely private thoughts, so, get your boots on, it's going to be muddy.
So, we left and I started thinking, no that's not exact, worrying:
Worry Number One: While riding up to the subway station: "It's rush hour and there will be thousands of people on the subway, I've never travelled at rush hour before. I wonder if there will be room on for me on the platform. Anyone could accidentally hit my joystick and send me careening over the edge. Remember how when you were looking at pants for Joe in the Bay and the pants caught on the joystick and you'd dragged the whole display over and knocked over a mannequin before you untangled the pants, oh my gosh, you have to watch the joystick. People won't notice. What if I can't get on? What if there isn't room for me on the subway car? What if I can't get through the crowd to get on the train?"
By now, I'm at the train and on the platform.
Worry Number Two: While getting on the train: "I have to get into position or my chair will roll, I have to back into the space in front of the door. Oh, no, there are people there, I'll have to ask them to move. Remember last time and the person got really pissed off when you asked them to move, what if they get pissed off again, I've got to hurry, the train is about to start moving. Oh, good, they were nice about it, the woman even smiled. OK, I'm in place. Oh, no. I've never gone north on the subway, I don't know which side the stations are on, what if I'm in the door where people need to get off? I'll be in the way. Oh, good I'm at the front of the train, I'll be able to see and move if necessary. Oh, no. I hope I don't have to move because there is no room. OK, Rosedale is on the other side. Ok, Summerhill is on the other side. I think I remember that St. Clair is in the middle so I'll be in the way, oh, no, oh, OK it's on the other side too. Davisville which side will Davisville be on. Oh, people are lining up for the stop across from me, it will be ok."
By now, I'm getting off at Davisville.
Worry Number Three: On the platform: "Where is the elevator, there are a bunch of doors going in, that's where everyone is going, I'll follow them. I don't see the wheelchair symbol, maybe it's not there. That woman told me that there was no elevator and shooed me away like a child, why do people talk to me like that. Remember the time the sales clerk told me that I shouldn't shop in the store unless I had my Mom or a staff with me? Oh, there is the wheelchair symbol. YIKES, it's a narrow passageway, drive carefully, carefully, carefully, carefully. Is it good in a man my age for my heart to beat so fast Icelanders could polka to it? Oh, there is the elevator. Oh. No. I didn't check the website to see if the elevator was down. What if it's down. I'll be late, I hate being late. Oh, the light came on when we pushed the button, that's a good sign. Here is the elevator. The door looks small, what if I can't fit ... oh, it's tight but I can get in."
By now, I'm on the street rolling towards where the presentation will happen.
Worry Number Four: Riding off to work: "What if the elevator goes down while I'm here. How will we get home. It's cold out and I can't ride all the way to the next stop. We should have brought the car. But I like taking the subway. Oh. No. We should have thought this through. If it goes down we're just stuck. Remember when we tried to go to the Ballet with Ruby and the elevator was down. That was a long ride. Oh, wait, they have two elevators, surely they won't both go down. We could just ride the other way until we find a stop where we can cross over. That will work."
I arrive at my destination.
My realization? The Question Answered?
I know why I'm tired all the time.