Tuesday, December 01, 2009

I Saw You



I saw you today.

And it brought me up short. It's been such a long time. And it was you, now, not you, then. That's what made it so odd. I've often wondered what you'd have looked like had you lived, had you survived the plague years. Let me tell you how it happened. I was rolling along in my wheelchair, I know, I know, and Joe and I had just crossed the street. I waited as Joe went into Rabba to pick up a case of Coke Zero and then you came from around the corner. All by yourself. Tears sprang to my eyes. It was so good to see you. I didn't realize how much I missed you. I didn't realize that the tremendous hole that you left in my life was still there. I didn't realize how much, at that moment I needed you.

I saw you today.

And it caused me such joy. You had aged well. And for a second I forgotten that you were long ago gone. Long past. All I could think about was how strong you looked as you strode along. I almost called out to you. But the part of my brain, that part that wouldn't let go of facts, of reality, stopped me. Your name formed in my mouth. Your memory took over my heart. The moments that we shared as friends, they weren't old and dusty. They were fresh, they were warm to the touch. I remembered our last hug, you in the hospital and so incredibly, so painfully thin. But your hug was strong, you pressed against me and I felt your love.

I saw you today.

And for a moment there was no AIDS. There was no history. There was no loss. There was just you and me, working at the group home and laughing, and laughing and laughing. There was no pain for you had not yet left, not yet gone, not yet disappeared. But in the moment that I saw you, the you - now, not the you - then, I knew that he was not you. I knew that he only bore the trace of your walk in his step, the remnants of your style in his presence, a little bit of your humour in his eyes.

I saw you today.

Even though you were gone. You were here and you were here vividly. Take that death. Take that grave. You do not hold him. I do. You do not own him. I do. You do not claim him. We do. My community does. His lovers. His friends. His family. We do not and have not relinquished him to you. AIDS, do not claim him as your victory because, plague of plagues ...

I saw him today.

13 comments:

wendy said...

Sitting here with tears in my eyes and an empty ache in my heart for those years and those they took. How wonderful that you had a visit from your friend.

Belinda said...

All I can do in response is to pause, be silent for a moment and mourn one I never knew but think I would have liked...and be glad that there is a battle being won.

Gary Miller said...

How ironic that this should happen to you today.

There's not a day goes by that I don't have even a quick thought or memory of a very close friend.

Being an ignorant heterosexual all those years ago, Paul single-handedly broke down all of my prejudices, fears, ignorance and inhibitions.

And I bet he's still doing it for others, wherever he may be...

mamrax said...

My brother sent me this link today because I've been going through alot. 3 funerals in 4 weeks. You made me remember my Phil who died of AIDS May 23, 2006. Thank you.

Kristin said...

Oh Dave! How heart-wrenching and beautiful. I didn't know him but I am sitting here crying at the beauty and the loss echoing through this post.

Sweet Sarah said...

So beautiful and so well said. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Holy shit Dave, it's only 9:30 and I'm in tears already! Great post. Thank-you.

MrsSpock said...

Lovely post.

Rebecca A said...

this is one of the most beautiful pieces of writing I have ever read. Thank you Dave, for always inspiring me.

Rebecca A

Shan said...

Oh jeepers...
:-(

Susan said...

And now... I see him too.

Thankyou.

Suelle said...

Beautiful & sad. Thank you, Dave.

battynurse said...

Coming over from Kristin's blog. What a truly beautiful post.