I tussled with writing a blog today.
You see, nothing happened. Well, not nothing - that's impossible, but nothing much. Yesterday we stayed home and watched a DVD box set (George Gently) interspersed with naps and reading. Didn't get out of my housecoat for the entire day. Phoned a couple of friends, did a couple of puzzles, made a few notes for work.
And here I write a disability blog, I refuse to have it devolve into a personal blog (I read several personal blogs and enjoy them, my goal was to have a topic specific blog). So since I didn't leave my house. Since I didn't have an encounter or an insight. Since I didn't do anything that had me even once think about myself as a disabled person. Or a gay person. Or a fat person. I didn't relate to a world that spews negative messages to the different - so I was just the 'me inside' and the 'me outside' had little impact on the flow of the day.
So we were just settling into making breakfast and chatting about what DVD box set we are going to watch today (Dexter Season 2 interspersed with Extras Season 2) and wondering if we could get by without Joe having to go out to buy bread - when I realized something.
So, there will be a blog after all.
When I first became disabled the 'novelty' of the change had me constantly aware of how my life had changed, how I had changed, how everything was slightly different. I didn't react with depression about all this as some do, but I did have the experience of disability filling my conciousness. It seemed like my whole life had been taken over by this new fact about myself.
I think this is what others with acquired disabilities experience. A flooding of disability into conciousness, a belief that 'disability' is all there is and all there ever will be. It seems impossible that there will ever be a future wherein disability simply meshes into the background, like height and eye colour. It seems that it's impossible to go even a second without this new awareness pressing in for notice. It seems unlikely that one will ever hear music, see colours or taste vanilla again.
But, as I discovered today, the newness certainly does wear off. Of course it does. And I should know this. When we first 'came out' all those years ago, it was impossible to go for even a second or two without being gay, seeing gay, talking gay. We spent all our time with gay people, watching gay movies, reading gay books, going to gay bars. But, with time, life reasserted itself and a balance returned to 'the force'. I'm always gay, like I'm always green eyed - but there are times when I don't think about either.
And, yesterday, I didn't once think about disability. It didn't once impact my life. Sure I used my wheelchair to get around the office and the kitchen, but that's normal. Normal. Not different. Just normal. Big deal.
Disability is always my experience but my experience isn't always disability. Does that make sense?
I hope it does.
Because that's what I intend blogging about today.