Life is full of difficult decisions and often one is left wondering about the choices made. My day today has been a difficult one. On Saturday I really wanted to attend the funeral of a woman who I both liked and admired. We knew each other for years, saw each other seldomly, admired each other liberally. I had heard a rumour that she was unwell but even so the email that arrived telling me that Mimma had died took me by surprise.
I remember her when we were both pups, starting out. She went on to take the helm of an agency in Toronto. She called me one day, out of the blue, shortly after becoming the executive director to tell me about a evening of theatre being put on by people with disabilities from the Meta Centre. I told her how thrilled I was with the idea and I remember a wonderful evening. What impressed me about that night was the fact that the performers with disabilities were clearly fully involved in the writing and the performance. One skit, about teasing and bullying, about the love of family, has stayed with me to this very day.
Too, Mimma called me to do some training for her and we had a wonderful day with wonderful staff. She had a passion for what she did that gave her both direction and vision. Whenever we saw each other, I always saw the girl she was all those years ago. That 'kid' was who I picture now in my mind.
So I wanted to go and mourn. To say goodbye. But I had made a committment to do a session for parents. I could have cancelled. I admit it. I could have asked them to reshedule it. I know they'd have understood. But I simply felt that I needed to follow through. So I did. As it turned out I think the meeting with parents had been a valuable one. But once the glow of that wore off, a quiet regret started to grow in me.
And then all day Sunday. My one day off. I couldn't shake the sense of unshared mourning. I couldn't shake the sense that I'd let her down. That I should have been there. I should have gone and said goodbye. I don't know if I made the right decision. I don't know what to do with the grief I have felt all day.
Fare Thee Well Mimma.
I think I did what you would have done.
Forgive me if I got it wrong.