Saturday, October 24, 2020

Sofas and Couches

I was attempting something very difficult, something I'd failed at before many, many times over the course of my life. That I was making this attempt even shocked me, I'm still occasionally surprised at a decision my mind makes somewhat independent from me. I began with the expectation of failure and sure enough it was hard when I started, much harder than I expected. The was an old challenge that seemed new again.

Continuing on, I found that I had to push myself through the voices that formed in my head. The one's that told me I was stupid, that I was fat, that I was ugly and that I'll never amount to much. The one's that told me that I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't focused enough, that I wasn't good enough. The one's that told me that I was worthless, that I was useless, that I was nothing but a disappointment.

Those voices were loud. Really loud. For each one of them I heard the voice, knew the person who spoke it, and recognized the desire they had to pummel me into giving up.

Like many people, these voices live, and they become active when I begin to believe in myself, when I begin to try to become someone a little different, a little newer, a little prouder.

Once I was past those voices, they are always lazing and call at us from couches where they lounge eating chocolates, then it was clearer saying.

Why does the voice of every bully and every hater have space in my head?

Why does my mind allow this?

I think they are invaders send from a past time. I think they are from people who never think of us now, who may not remember why they decided that cruelty was the path they'd follow with me. Why are so many of them teachers and other adults who surely know better.

A new voice has taken a spot on the sofa, I managed to do what I've not done before, yes it was hard but also yes I will do it again.

I will for the rest of my life try to control the voices that sit too comfortably in my head.

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