Saturday, October 31, 2020

A New Week Starts

 This was a stressful week. A lot of really early morning and a lot of online lectures, meetings and, webinars. One of them was a brand new lecture that I'd not done before that had me wild with anxiety, others were old friends revisited and updated. Because of the spacing of the events, I haven't been able to go out this week. I'm not one for going out after 5, I'm too tired by then.

I think it was Wednesday when my will collapsed and I gave up exercise and couldn't care about what I ate. Too, I think that's when I became a little bit grumpy. If Joe were writing this he may express that differently. Let's just say I wasn't the ray of sunshine he expected when we married.

Joe understood the pressure I was under to perform. He knew that I'm adapting to lecturing and not seeing anything but myself on the screen, not getting any feedback or energy from the crowd. He knew that I was terrified of bombing with my new material. He knew all that and was massively understanding all the way through. 

But I wondered near the end of the week how long his patience and forbearance would last. He's a great guy but sometimes my anxiety spills out of me in ways that involve anyone around me. I pulled it in and made it through the week still married and still comfortable in the love that I live with. But I need to remember that Joe's love for me isn't expected to be bottomless and I need to remember that I have to control myself a little bit more.

So I'm up early today. I can't be Little Miss Sunshine. But. I have polished my dome and can reflect any sun that come my way today.

Don't take for granted the love that you are given.

It's a gift you don't always deserve.


Unknown said...

So very relevant for me this week too. Lockdown can get to all of us

helencs said...

I'm completely with you about online teaching and lecturing. I hate not getting feedback from the room and not being able to pivot and adapt my material based on what I'm getting back.
Hope you and Joe manage some down time together this week.