Friday, February 07, 2014

Will I Ever Be Left Alone?

Today, I was bullied.

And bruised.

I was called names that I haven't been called for a long time.

Names I won't record here.

It's not necessary, they are burned into my heart.

Tattooed on my soul.

There were so many voices.


Like then.

There was no escape.

I just sat.


Listening to the bile.

There were threats.

But I was not struck.

Except with words.

Today I was bullied.

I used my self esteem as a shield.

It turned out to be a poor choice.

I recited my list of accomplishments:

Hoping to drown out the sound of those voices.

They sounded false.

The names.

The names.

The taunts.

The taunts.

Sounded true.

Today I was bullied.

Today I was bruised.

Without cause.

Is there ever cause?

I'd call the police.

I'd report the crime.

I'd mention the hate which tinged the words.

But it wouldn't help.

Because I opened the door.

I let them in.

To the safety of my mind.

And they pounded me.

With my permission.

While I sat.



On the bus to work.


Andrea S. said...

I hate that people keep doing this to you.

Naomi said...

Hugs Dave.
Hurt and angry souls lash out and hurt others.
Hurt and broken souls retreat inside and fear to speak out.
The only answer is more love.
And until we can find that, to be able to speak our truth in whatever words we have.
So as not to become bitter or broken.
Hugs to you. May our collective love in some way buffet each other from the wounds inflicted by hurt and angry souls.

Dave Hingsburger said...

Andrea ... I did this to myself ... the old voices, the old insecurities all ganged up on me and I wasn't able to stop it.

Anonymous said...

That should have been signed Bernie, not Bernor. Big fingers, small keyboard and auto spell...a bad combination!

Anonymous said...

I am thinking good and bright thoughts for you, Dave.
You are an amazing teacher and a fierce advocate. Today, I hope all of the positive things and goodness that you and your blog bring to the world will float into the dark corners of your head and outshine the dark, negative thoughts.

Anonymous said...

You did this to yourself??? Wow. Youve had a lifetime of being bullied and traumatised and subjected to other peoples hate but when some sad losers start on you its YOUR FAULT that it triggered that backlog of misery and made you upset? I've been reading your blog for yonks but somehow I've missed the post where you explain youre not human but an advanced super species from another planet who is immune from past experiences being triggered by present ones.

Seriously Dave,how is it not bullying yourself to blame yourself for not being able to be oblivious to verbal abuse and hate? Every day you go out in the world knowing the hostility you so often meet,every day takes courage and energy beyond the norm just to exist in public spaces and its just not humanly possible to be ultra strong and ultra confident and ultra protective of your vulnerable places in the face of attacks all of the time.

And when you have a bad day,when you cant protect yourself and the old miserys come flooding back,the answer isnt beating yourself up for ''allowing'' your own victimisation-thats the brainwashing of decades of being told its your fault youre treated cruelly . The answer is to cry out some of the grief and have Joe cosy you up on the sofa with a soft blanket and a hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows (or a similar comfort treat)to watch your favorite film and allow your brain time to relax back into the knowledge that youre O.K. That youre loved and respected and worthy and that the judgement of bigoted strangers is a reflection on them not you.

Colleen said...

Dear Dave:

I second Anonymous at 10:06 - may all the good that is you and that you do outshine the bullying thoughts and memories. Damn the darkness!

sending good vibes, thoughts and prayers your way


Celine said...

Dave, you did nothing wrong.

Some days the sword is our weapon. Some day the pen is. Other days we use our voices, or even the colour of our t-shirts.

And then there are days when we don't have the strength to do anything.

Today may have been one of these days for you. But don't let it define you. You are respected by many, loved by many and you shine brightly in the lives of others. Let the kind words on your blog today shine a little light into yours.

Dave Hingsburger said...

I owe a huge apology to several people who left comments to be moderated. I was hitting the 'publish' button in the car when we hit a bum and I hit the 'delete' instead. I will NEVER EVER do this in a car again. The comments, like these, were thoughtful, profound and kind. I am truly sorry.

Jayne Wales said...

How painful that was. If some words of support can do anything to help you shoulder that pain then let that be some solace. Try and come out of that dark place in the knowledge you have many friends who would probably by now " kill for you".

emma vanderklift said...

Love you. No advice. No theories. No bolstering. Just love you.

Emma V (not to be confused with other Emmas - there seem to be more :-)

jesse the k said...

I am so sorry you experienced this abuse,


You have done so much to prevent bullies from winning. But you can't do it all.

Thank you for reminding me that it's my job too.

Take care.

M.Prosk said...


It appears that you had a bad day. No sweat there as it happens to all of us. Even in your down state today, your brilliance as an orator and wordsmith shines through. An absolutely excellent piece above that I feel like you can use to your own advantage. We do ourselves a disservice when we pretend that bad times don't exist.

Nathan Dawthorne said...

Big squishes.

Liz said...

Some days I can't shut out the voices from the past. They intrude in the present. How I see it is that every time one of us without an intellectual impairment shares our imperfections we take another brick out of the wall that divides those with intellectual impairment from the world. No them, just us. Thanks for your sharing it gives me strength.

Liz said...

Sending love.