On our way over the the mall this morning we discussed what we needed to accomplish and what we wanted to do. We agreed that we needed to stop at a particular store - the thought gave us pause. You see I'm in the middle of a kind of dispute with the store management. They had a perfectly accessible entrance and they've changed it such that I can't get in easily. Apparently due to theft they had to install a kind of barrier that is supposedly wheelchair friendly but isn't friendly to this wheelchair user. Needless to say emails are flying fast and furious and, well, management is a bit furious themselves at my insistence that my experience in my wheelchair trying to enter their store isn't equal to their assurance that I can enter the store.
It's Saturday and I'm a little tired. I promised Joe that I'd try again to get in the entrance and if it didn't work I was just going to let it go. I don't care today. I'm just out having fun. I don't care. Really. Don't. Care.
I couldn't get in.
I let it go.
I'll deal with it next week.
Then we went to the opera and I parked beside Joe's seat. He was next to a woman who was a chatterbox, to him and icily cold to me. Cool, Cold. I don't care. I just let Joe chat with her and people watched as people came in to take their seats. During intermission, she and Joe left. She to use the washroom, I know this because she liked to keep Joe up to date on pretty much everything she was thinking. She wasn't stream of consciousness, she was river of irrelevancies. I asked Joe to get me a green tea if the line up wasn't too long. Joe said that he would if he could. When she came back from the washroom she marched up to me. I thought I was going to get a blow by blow of wiping ... but instead, speaking to me like a four year old, she told me that the Tim's line up was very long and I shouldn't have asked 'my friend' to get me a tea. I was 'typically selfish' she said.
'Typically selfish!' said in a voice used by a Grandmother to the child that she buys socks for Christmas.
I refused to talk to her about it. I don't need to justify my relationship with Joe and how we are with each other. It's not her business. So, I pointedly watched the screen and just as pointedly did not respond to her. She turned away from me in a huff.
I let it go.
I don't care.
I. Really. Don't. Care. I'm. Just. Being. Out.
So, at the end of the day. I did what I pledged. I just kept my mouth shut. I didn't advocate. I didn't make complaint. I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't make an issue of anything. I just let it all wash over me.
And the result?
I'm a mess.
Turns out that not speaking up takes way more energy that speaking out. At least for me. That's an experiment that I'm just not going to try again. I'm not going to force myself to take on every battle, but I'm never going out with the intent of not doing battle. Cause the battle that didn't happen out there, certainly happen inside.
Well, I do now.