I fretted the whole morning. We had booked a trip, on the WheelTrans bus, up to Yorkdale mall. I wanted to see how I made it with the chair on the bus. All morning I kept picturing the narrow ramp up into the bus and by the time we went down I had become convinced that the wheelchair was too wide and I'd not be able to go. Well the wheelchair is wide but the ramp is slightly wider and I rolled up and onto the bus, we got to Yorkdale in time for a movie, for lunch and for a roll around.
On the way back, after the first drop off wherein the side ramp broke, I worried the whole way because I knew I was going to have to back off the bus. By the time we got home I knew, just knew, that I was going to fall off the ramp, break the chair and do serious injury to myself. I'd seen the image over and over and over again. Instead, I put the chair on low power and drove straight back and down the ramp. Joe said, 'And you worried all the way home didn't you?' I admitted that I did.
We just went down to Butler PA to take part in a meeting discussing the creation of safe agencies for people with disabilities to live within. For two days before I worried about the meeting, how it would go, what I would say, who would be there, what the weather would be like. I'm fretful about these things anyways but when I've gone a few weeks without lecturing as I typically do in January, it gets worse. I worried all the way down there, I worried in the morning when we got up, I worried right through to when we finished.
When I got up a few minutes ago I began thinking about my lecture here in Toronto in March. I haven't lectured in Toronto for quite some time and within a few minutes I imagined two pictures, in one no one shows up and in the other everyone I know shows up and I completely embarrass myself.
Oooooh, what fun it is to live within my head.
I have super powers, I am 'Worry Man'.
I can derail joy at 50 paces.
I can bring down hope with a single glance.
I can conjure up a huge worry to replace a small concern in an instant.
Somehow I have lost trust with the future, I expect bad things even though (for the most part) good things keep coming. When it's sunny, I wait for rain. When it's raining, I wait for wind. When it's windy and raining, I wait for the end of the world.
I am setting myself a task this week. I am going to try to spend a week with worry banished. I am going to try and let things just happen without anticipating the worst. I am going to be hopeful without cringing.
And of course I begin to worry that I won't be able to give up worrying.