Thursday, February 12, 2009

Morning's Frustration

I'm angry and frustrated and even a little bitter. I'm sitting here alone in the apartment, Joe having gone alone to a clinic where he will undergo some heavy duty and serious medical tests. All along I thought I'd go with him but a few days ago he told me that he isn't allowed to drive for 4 hours after the test is completed. If I go with him, we'll have to sit around for those hours. Then he suggested that it would be best for him to take the subway in the morning and a cab back. He assured me that he'd be back early and all would be well.

A few minutes ago he was running around getting ready and I was being Smiley McFacey. I did't want my upset to upset his day. He asked what today's blog is about and I told him that it was about the joy's of early morning. 'I'll read it when I get back,' he said. And he'll discover me a liar.

Every single time I've had a medical emergency, a medical appointment or a medical test, Joe's been right there waiting. I can't tell you the solace that provides, just knowing that there's someone, no not 'someone' ... him ... there a few feet away. I know I'm torturing myself but I keep picture Joe in there alone, with no company, with no support. I just hope he can feel that I'm here at home in my office wheelchair saying a prayer a minute that he'll be fine. I'm sending out positive energy so the test will go smoothly. I'm hoping that he'll be blissed out by the drugs so he won't wonder about the inequity of our relationship.

A while back I wrote that my disability didn't change much. And, really it hasn't. But some of the stuff it has changed is important and leaves me feeling much less of a partner, much less of a man, much less of a friend.

Damn, I'm worried.

Damn, I don't like this.

23 comments:

Linda said...

Positive energy and prayers going to Joe from Dublin.
LinMac

Tamara said...

I don't think that the support of a partner is limited by geographics. He knows he's not alone, that you are there waiting and praying. Alone is having no one. He has you.

Prayers that all is well with Joe -

Lori Maloney Young said...

I hope everything went well with Joe - I agree with Tamara - he will feel your support and the fact that you want to be there.

By the way, I read your blog every morning and it helps me to be better at my job and to be a better mother:)

jueb said...

joe knows that you would be there with him if you could, i'm sure that he knows you will be praying for him,so therefore you are with him, keep the faith God is with you both

Heather said...

A couple of months ago my best friends eldest daughter was rushed to hospital with appendicitis. In previous emergencies, for over 40 years we have both, at different times and for various reasons, dropped everything and been there for each other to lean on. Now I cannot do that. Now, like you, I had to wish for good vibes from a distance. I felt so impotant and that, more than anything else that I've lost, hurts. Although my friend said that knowing I was with her in spirit helped her get through.

I'm sure Joe will know that you are with him but I know how that feels.

Sending our love too x

Willow Mason said...

Last year my father was diagnosed with 'a kind of cancer, I think, but they don't exactly know' (his words). I live in Scotland and he lives in Alaska, and when I heard those words the distance between us felt larger than it ever had before. I wanted more than anything to hop on the next plane out of glasgow, but unfortunately that wasn't a possibility. I'm extremely close to my father and I knew that he would instantly feel better if I could JUST BE THERE for him. As it turned out, his disease is probably not terminal (thank God) and he is coping a lot better than he was a year ago. The best part is, he told me a couple of weeks ago that, even though I live thousands of miles away, I have been the best support to him of anyone. Phone conversations, emails, doing research to find out more about his disease, all of these things were important. But he told me the most important thing to him was knowing that i was thinking about him all the time and that I WANTED TO BE THERE SO BADLY. He knew I was there. I'm sure Joe knows you are. But I understand how hard it is. So hard.

dhamp@sasktel.net said...

Good luck Joe. Dave, you are such a great partner.

FridaWrites said...

If he were very anxious about the test himself, I think he'd find a way to take you or be willing to sit for those 4 hours afterwards--I would in such a circumstance.

That's great that he goes to your appointments. My husband did too for a long time though I put a stop to the routine ones because he I have too many now--he still goes to some. I could sure use the extra memory for what the doctor says sometimes though. He asks good questions.

kstableford said...

How scary and frustrating, Dave! My thoughts are with Joe AND you.

lina said...

That really sucks. I get how you're feeling and wanting to be there - makes total sense. But the stuff at the end about 'less of a partner, less of a friend'. Well, I don't blame Joe when he reads that and gets upset about that part - and you will eventually get that that's not true. My positive energy and prayers are with Joe.

FridaWrites said...

I hope the test goes well by the way.

Krista said...

I hope everything turned out ok. (I know exactly how you feel about not being there for his!)

I like to be there for other people should they need me.

Rosemary said...

I understand your frustration about not being able to go to Joe's testing. I truly do. I have felt the same with my DH. Thank goodness, though, that you will be there to greet him when he arrives home, you will be there with him this evening,tonight and tomorrow; and through every moment that God gives you. Many hugs and prayers. Rosemary

Teresa said...

Thinking positive thoughts for you both.

theknapper said...

I put my comment on the wrong date so here I go again......what I said was I think Joe gets more support from you at a distance than many partners are there in person but not in spirit......and it still sucks not being there!!!
Also I'm thinking you need to have a plan B for when (we're all getting older) Joe needs more medical attn & you & he NEED to be there. I know it's not always easy but are there friends who could rally around, provide rides or whatever??!!
Sending good thoughts your way. You guys are so important to us fatters!!!!

Colleen said...

Dear Dave:

I hope all goes well for Joe. Hold tight Dave! I am picturing you greeting him on his return with love and hot tea :-)

Colleen

Anonymous said...

Sweetheart, different people are different. For example, I'm one of those people who doesn't like thinking of my loved ones sitting in some dumb old waiting room, just waiting for me. I would much rather go for my tests or procedures alone and think of them back at home, ready to welcome me when I return. Just like where you are, ready to welcome Joe when he returns. Best of everything to both of you!

Marie S.

Reformed Anon. Girl in Pain said...

feel better Joe.
feel better Dave.

Soli Deo Gloria
REformed girl

Shan said...

I agree with theknapper and Marie S. You need to have a Plan B; and I know it's probably not any comfort but I hate having people come with me too.

But I don't blame you for feeling upset - I would too in the same situation.

Praying everything is okay with my Uncle Joe....

Myrrien said...

I can understand how frustrating it is, I remember not being allowed to be with my little boy overnight while he was in Intensive Care and the feelings of fear and terror if you are not there.

Good luck Joe. You are both incredibly important to all of us Fatters.

Andrea Shettle, MSW said...

Dave and Joe,

My thoughts are with you both, be well.

Anonymous said...

My husband has a very rare illness, he is constantly going in for tests and procedures. The last time he went I could not be there, I was so upset that I, like you had a miserable morning until I knew it was fine. I couldn't stop thinking and praying things were fine. But in the back of my head I felt like I let him down because I couldn't be there. It finalized in my head how deeply I do love him and I realized how devoted we were to each other.
I am sure you maybe have had a moment where it (in your head) was a done deal - I will be with this person no matter what happens.

Diane said...

Hi, I have just looked you up today to help me find the words I need for an employee review. I knew I would find a polite (hee hee) way to document my thoughts. Then I decided to check into your blog and felt your concern. The words I basically stole from you are "Be still and know that I am" and reflect on this profound act of being with another person. I have witnessed you and Joe together in Victoria so I can safely say that he has been the recpient you exactly that. So....he knows!
Diane