I am sitting here.
Watching cooking videos on YouTube while stewing in my own apprehension, is not a productive use of time. I am waiting for the arrival of the solution to my increased need for support. If it works, I'm golden. If it doesn't, well, I can't even think about what that would mean. I've gotten through the last couple of weeks with help from Joe and our neighbour across the way, they say it takes a village but sometimes it just takes one really good neighbour and now, today, we anticipate that the need will be gone and I can regain my independence - or more accurately, I will transfer my need for help from other people to better equipment.
This morning, after being assisted, I told our neighbour how much I appreciated what he had done and how much he had given me. It was important that I said, out loud, what I was feeling so deeply. Then a couple hours later and we received the confirmation that the delivery was set for today, from noon to three. I've had trouble talking to Joe about my worries because he's worried too and he deals with that by discounting the fears that we both have.
You know I hear a lot about ageing and see a lot of really funny videos or memes about the topic. I get the humour, I love the humour, but ageing impacts a disabled body differently, or perhaps the cost of ageing is higher when you are disabled.
So I choose to be worried.
And I chose to watch someone I don't know make vegan doughnuts.
Because there comes a time when worry, and a vegan doughnut, are all you have to give to the future.