left alone

Yesterday when we arrived at the hotel, the weather was sunny and the air was warm. We got into our room and I suggested that we go down to the outdoor cafe that's attached to the hotel. We could sit there, have a tea, and enjoy just being out of doors. When you are on a lecture tour it's mostly indoors, hotels, conference centres and then sitting in a car driving to the next destination. It had rained a lot over the weekend so even those days were spent in malls and movie theatres. Even with all the variety of all these places, the feel of processed air pressing against skin reminds me of those that lived, without breeze, in large facilities, captured for the crime of difference. But, I shake that away, I can't bear it.

We went downstairs and found that there was a long ramp up to the exit which was closest to the outside cafe. I managed it, my muscles worked hard, but I managed it. And I managed a push over uneven pavement to the cafe. I found a table that I could easily pull into and felt quite comfortable. My comfort came from the fact that my back was to the busy street, I looked into a quiet street, under construction. There was no one there to look back at me. I rested there, feeling safe. No eyes to judge me, no comments to be made by passers by.

But then, without thinking about it, I turned my chair and went to another table, this time I faced out at all those coming and going on the busy street. I was fully in their view and they in mine. Joe returned, a tea in each hand, and noticed the change of table. I told him that it was a bit boring looking into the empty road.

People came and went, doing what city people do, and we sat feeling the late sun, the warm air and the freshness of being outside. We chatted about the day passed and the day upcoming. We talked about our upcoming move. We marvelled at people jaywalking the street with their phones in their hands and their eyes on the screen. Oh to have so much luck that you can rely on it. We don't and haven't we decided.

But nothing happened. I was left alone to just be a patron sitting outside on a lovely day. I realized that sometimes maybe I'm turning my back on a world in anticipation of hurt, maybe I give up too much because of that. But enough. I had a lovely time and part of that was simply because I was left alone to do so. It doesn't happen often and I should just leave it alone and enjoy it.