Thursday, December 15, 2016

Shopping for More

Do you ever, stop, for a moment and consider your heart?

Do you ever have a second of doubt about your capacity for kindness?

Do you ever worry that you've become too busy or too preoccupied or too self important for the time it takes to be compassionate?

I was brittle today. Needlessly. In the moment, it felt right. It even felt good. I asserted myself, strongly, when, now that a couple of hours has given me perspective, it was unnecessary.

Years ago I was unkind when I didn't need to be. I said something hurtful because I could. And it felt good. The burden of that moment has never really left me. In moments, unsuspecting, her face will appear, unbidden, and I see shock and hurt written there.. She had expected something more of me and got something much less than she deserved. I knew it too. The enormity of what I did only became clear to me much, much, later. Time heals? Maybe, but it also takes accountability seriously.

I will apologize.

And I will mean it.

But apology really serves me more than it serves anyone else. Apology lets me off the hook. "I SAID I was sorry!" We all know by the time we are three or four that apology doesn't make a bruise fade any faster.

My bags are already full of moments of regret. Why do I keep shopping for more?

But I will apologize.

And I will mean it.

I will receive, I'm sure, a 'don't worry about it' or a 'it didn't really bother me at all,' and they will mean it.

And I know.

That it still matters.


ABEhrhardt said...

This is why 'forgive us OUR trespasses as we forgive other who trespass against US' is so important.

We will mess up continuously in this life, regardless of how good our intentions are.

I know I do.

Stop. Rewind. Make what amends you can. Forgive yourself. Try again. And hope that each time rubs away a little of our own selfishness.

Because the other way, giving in, may feel better - but not in the long run.

You're human. Congratulations. I love that you share.

Jeannette said...

What Alicia said. Yes.

Unknown said...

Yes... we have all been there... those moments that we can't take back... we can only move forward and try to be kinder next time.