Sick with worry.
Joe stirs beside me.
I know he is asleep, but I have to talk to someone. I'm caged by fear. We are flying to Edmonton in the morning. I had rolled over at about 1 and somehow the anxieties snuck in through the cracks in my eyes. Moments later they were in control.
Every concern I had about travel, grew large.
Every fear I had about my disability as it related to travel grew huge.
Every anxiety I had about my weight as it related to getting up steep airport ramps doubled in size.
I couldn't push them away. I couldn't compartmentalize them. I couldn't line them up, anxiety by anxiety, fear by fear, and deal with them one at a time. They had formed a chorus, they stood on my chest and took my breath away. They got into my ears and made such noise. I was overwhelmed and I felt lost.
Joe has his own worries about our trips.
It was unfair to add mine to his when he, like me, needed sleep.
"You awake," I said, while anxieties screamed and fears howled for me to leave him sleep.
"Mm, gotta go to the bathroom."
He's back, "What's up?" he asked.
And I told him. Everything.
He put his hand on my shoulder and said, "It will be fine, you know it will. Now go back to sleep."
I felt the warm of his hand on my shoulder begin to drive the cold fear away. Anxiety took a few more minutes. And, as I waited for them to be fully gone. I fell asleep.
I'm writing this in Edmonton.