Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The Good Friend Test

How To Tell If Someone is A Good Friend:

I've had a rough couple of days. Days filled with frustration and disappointment and tinged with anger. Some of the things that happened were ultimately my fault a result of my mistakes. Some of them, the worst of them, were completely outside my control.


I'm sad.

I'm angry.

I feel sorry for myself.

I was telling a friend about what happened and the decision I had to make, which I didn't want to make, as a result of all that has gone on. It's a decision that denies me something I was looking forward too, it's a decision that has me crying 'not fair, not fair, not fair' to an empty sky. Shit.

After I finished telling my friend about this, she did what she does, and this is why I told her, and helped me think through the issues and options. I have a habit of forgetting about options. And I found her chat helpful. Even though I'm still sad, I'm a little less angry, but I'm still massively feeling sorry for myself.

Then she said, "You could probably use a hug."

I said, "No, I don't think so."

There are times I don't want hugs. There are times when touch is intrusive. There are times when support is best given at arms length. This is one of those times.

She, being a friend, didn't push it, accepted my 'no', wasn't hurt by my 'no', and we simply went on.

Good friends know when 'no' means 'no'.

Don't they?


Colleen said...

Dear Dave:

It is so helpful to have a good friend who listens and explores options with you. Good friends absolutely respect a "no".

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time and hope things go well for you.


Anonymous said...

I'm glad you have friends who can give you a chance to talk about life's inevitible ups and down. Who doesn't try to "fix" them, but just gives you an arena in which you can hear yourself talk through the issues. Who is happy to respect your boundaries . . . and celebrates your "no" - because they know that your "yes" is genuine and sincere! Hey - that sounds remarkably like Dave Hingsburger!

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to read of your disappointment and frustration. I am happy to hear that you have a good friend to support you

through it and respect your choice of not wanting a hug. In some situations where
someone is frustrated, angry and/or disappointed- the friend doing the
supporting feels the need to physically

reach out and comfort their friend. On

some occassions, it's the supporting friend who needs the hug. It is important that we, as helpers recognize and appreciate the difference. No should always mean no. Good friends should have an understanding of what good friends need to feel valued and supported.

theknapper said...

like just heidi's comments

Anonymous said...

Dear Dave,

I am sorry you are angry with what happened.

I hope you are not too disappointed with yourself and the world. I sometimes tend to feel this way.

It is good to have friends who know both; giving a hug or giving support and listening to your needs.

I send you postive vibes...


Anonymous said...

I hope you relax this evening, sleep well, and that tomorrow is much better. samm