Thursday, October 20, 2011

FOG

The fog is beginning to lift.

Years ago, someone told me that 'FOG' is an acronym for 'Fucking Opportunity for Growth'. I've never much liked acronyms, but that one, I got right away. I have appreciated the kindness from blog readers and from friends over the last few weeks, I have especially appreciated the respect for my privacy without which, kindness could not have been possible.

I'm almost done with working through a very difficult and very emotional situation. I had been motoring along for the last five or so years, everything going fine, and as such had come to believe that maybe, at nearly sixty. I had arrived. That I'd done the complex job of growth and had finally edged on to firm footing.

Nope.

It's now clear to me that life requires growth, and for the most part, growth involves some pain. Spending the last little while in deep reflection about what I believe and about what I do and about how I present myself to myself and how that differs from how I present myself to the world - has not been pleasant. A shocking traumatic experience, coming out of the blue, has forced a time of evaluation and questioning.

As I move out and on from that experience, my soul sore from all the exercise, I have a small sense of gratefulness for being made to stop and really think about my morals, my values and my behaviour. I don't like to have to examine, carefully, the reality that what I do has consequences in the lives of others - but I need to, I need to be forced by circumstance (because it would never happen by choice) into periods of reflection.

I believe that it's called 'reflection' for a reason. I believe that there are moments when we have to take a mirror and look deeply at the our reflection, deeply at who we are, deeply at how we behave, deeply at what we believe, deeply at what we have done. I don't know if you hold that mirror in trembling hands, but I do. I'm terrified of what I'll see. I'm as frightened of that mirror as Dorian Grey was of the portrait in the attic. Our soul can be seen, Wilde suggested in that novel, and I believe he was right.

So, I am was challenged by life and am changed by reflection. This is a good thing.

But I hope, and pray, that there won't be FOG in the forecast for a good long while.

9 comments:

Colleen said...

Dear Dave:

Good to hear that you are coming through this painful time of personal growth. I agree, taking a really honest look at myself is scary. In fact I think few people really do take an honest look at their deepest selves.

The thing about fog though is that you can't see very far down the road when you are in it. Glad your forecast has changed to a sunnier outlook.

Take really good care, sounds like you have just done some really hard work.
Colleen

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being willing to risk exposure. You both challenge others to reflection and make it a little safer to hold up that trembling mirror. It takes such courage to look, reflect, and then to change.

Tami said...

Personal reflection, whether it is about relationships, career choices, friendships or any event in one's life can be life altering. I appreciate that you are sharing your growth with us. "I" believe that anything we experience happens for a reason. I do not always agree with it but I am learing to accept what happens to me. Since your sessions in Moncton last week, I have reflected on what I do. I have decided that I want to be a better person and model to my staff how people should and deserve to be treated. This is because of you Dave!!

Noisyworld said...

I have enough trouble looking deeply into a real mirror let alone a soul-searching one :/
I hope the fog clears and leads to a brighter day :)

Jess and Glacier said...

I agree with Noisy World.
I am sorry that you had to grow via pain, but I hope you will hurt less soon.

Susan said...

That takes courage lots of it. Good on ya.

Personally, I'm a little sick and tired of the FOG... A sunny day would be really nice. Just one! But you see, there are too many people who love me, "just the way I am", but they don't want me to stay that way! Arghhh.

Trouble is, they're right. You see, I know myself really well. I know who I am and what I'm like on the inside. And the way I figure it, if anyone likes me AT ALL, (since I have to work so hard at contolling all of that inner yuck)... then I'm doing really, really well. Sigh.

Back to growing...

clairesmum said...

Glad that you were able to do what you needed to do to move out of the fog. I often get stuck, freezing in place when the fog descends - and then there's just me, stuck in the fog, not sure which way to move and certain I am all alone and forgotten in the fog. Thanks for reminding me of what you do to move out of the fog - look inward and attend to what is there that needs my heart's attention.

Lene Andersen said...

Looking that deep within takes a lot of courage and strength. Thank you for sharing yourself, both the good stuff and the challenges. May your next growthspurt be less painful

Belinda said...

I love fog. It silences the outside world and creates space where it feels as though anything might be possible. But I'm glad this fog is clearing--it sounds as though it was a real Pea Soup-er.