The fog is beginning to lift.
Years ago, someone told me that 'FOG' is an acronym for 'Fucking Opportunity for Growth'. I've never much liked acronyms, but that one, I got right away. I have appreciated the kindness from blog readers and from friends over the last few weeks, I have especially appreciated the respect for my privacy without which, kindness could not have been possible.
I'm almost done with working through a very difficult and very emotional situation. I had been motoring along for the last five or so years, everything going fine, and as such had come to believe that maybe, at nearly sixty. I had arrived. That I'd done the complex job of growth and had finally edged on to firm footing.
It's now clear to me that life requires growth, and for the most part, growth involves some pain. Spending the last little while in deep reflection about what I believe and about what I do and about how I present myself to myself and how that differs from how I present myself to the world - has not been pleasant. A shocking traumatic experience, coming out of the blue, has forced a time of evaluation and questioning.
As I move out and on from that experience, my soul sore from all the exercise, I have a small sense of gratefulness for being made to stop and really think about my morals, my values and my behaviour. I don't like to have to examine, carefully, the reality that what I do has consequences in the lives of others - but I need to, I need to be forced by circumstance (because it would never happen by choice) into periods of reflection.
I believe that it's called 'reflection' for a reason. I believe that there are moments when we have to take a mirror and look deeply at the our reflection, deeply at who we are, deeply at how we behave, deeply at what we believe, deeply at what we have done. I don't know if you hold that mirror in trembling hands, but I do. I'm terrified of what I'll see. I'm as frightened of that mirror as Dorian Grey was of the portrait in the attic. Our soul can be seen, Wilde suggested in that novel, and I believe he was right.
So, I am was challenged by life and am changed by reflection. This is a good thing.
But I hope, and pray, that there won't be FOG in the forecast for a good long while.