I'm feeling good right now. Better than I deserve, but nonetheless, I'm feeling good right now. You see, as much as I try, I still mess up. Make mashed potatoes instead of baked. Get it wrong. Hurt people. Lose perspective. I'd thought that as I got older I'd get wiser, I'd dig down and find a vein of profundity running deep through the muck and mire of my subconscious. Nope, I dug deep and found candy wrappers.
So, I messed up a while back and as a result I hurt someone. I didn't realize it at the time. So caught up in my own self-righteousness that I didn't notice the expression on their face, the pain in their voice. Didn't notice at all. I forget that I make mistakes, buy my own press - he's so sensitive. Blithely travelling along making sunshine where ever I go.
In a moments clarity I felt that a strain had grown between myself and someone else. I knew, instantly, that the strain had a cause. That the cause was me. I looked back at the situation that we, she and I, had found ourselves in. I saw how my behaviour could be hurtful. So what did I do with this news.
Well, maybe congratulated myself for being willing to see myself the villain rather than the hero of a story.
But nothing, really.
Until today. I called her and asked her to drop by my office. She did.
Do you know how hard it is to apologize for something you did. To apologize because you actually need to apologize?
The words formed in my mouth and it was difficult.
But I apologized.
We talked. I felt relief from her. I felt relief within.
I felt forgiveness because she is more gracious than I.
And right now I feel good.
Because that's one burden less to carry along.
One hurt less in the world.
One bad action atoned for.
I get the sense, just a hint of an idea, that God is grinning.