Sunday, November 29, 2009


Oh, my, messy.

I'm up at just before 2 in the morning having gone to bed at 6 in the afternoon. The time change, the early morning up to fly, the long day on the plane, it was all just too much. We tried to stay up a few hours longer but after barely a struggle gave up. Today is going to be very, very, messy.

In fact, I have the 'inside messies' that come from big transitions. For over a month we have been focused on the single task of getting from city to city. A 16 city, 18 lecture, tour. And if you consider that I did a three day tour immediately before leaving, that's a 19 city, 21 lecture tour ... the longest, in both time and distance, of my career. So everything, every decision, was made regarding getting from one place to another and having the energy to do the work when getting there. This means early evenings, quiet weekends and the ability to lean on each other when strength was low. But now, that's over, it's time to shift focus back to real life. A life with multiple purposes, a life with more complex demands, a life where I play a part but do not have a starring role.

I look over the next few months and the goals set and the 'inside messies' increase. I start thinking about how big the tasks are, how small my abilities in comparison, how important the work, how frightened I am to begin. Lectures, though they take effort, all all about the past. Things already done, stories already told, experiences already processed. It's telling the tale of the work thus far, and work accomplished always looks easier than work yet to be done. The Dave of 'have done' is way more confident than the Dave of 'yet to do.'

As I have mentioned many times, perhaps too many, the work of the last three years may be the most important of my career. In a few weeks Vita and I have to figure a way of documenting and accounting the work done, the shared vision, the difficult choices, the common goals that came about from setting 'safety' as a priority in service provision. This needs to be something created by 'all' not 'one' ... it's going to be a messier prospect than anything I've done before. I can't just shut my door and type for days and be done with it. That would be thieving the victories from every single Vita staff. It is going to be finding a coherent voice to go with the single vision that's going to be the challenge.

But that is tomorrow. Next week. Even next year. Right now, I've got to figure out how to get back to bed and back to sleep. I don't want to spend the rest of today as a time zombie.

... forgive the ramble today ... do you ever get up in the middle of the night with the 'inside messies'? ... what do you do to clean house ...


brokensaints said...

I get the inside messies all the time. WAY too much. Blogging about it helps - has helped clarify things for myself too. Praying. Knitting (the repetitive action is soothing). I'm looking forward to seeing others' suggestions.

Kristin said...

I like that term - "inside messies". Like brokensaints, working with my hands, in my case crocheting, seems to slow the turmoil.Also, if I have a book I can truly lose myself in, that seems to help.

Anonymous said...

Humor helps....laugh so hard that I cry gives me a release.Patrick McManus, Mark Twain, Erma Bombeck, Judith Viorst are all authors who can give me that release.

Belinda said...

I'm with anonymous--humour does soothe my messies. The messier I feel, the more silly and sometimes inappropriate the humour--but it does help! I think it's nervous energy that has to be released--at least that's my excuse for once laughing about someone who got shot and went to emergency twice in one weekend. It was at the end of a particularly stressful week.

Seriously :)it is through daring to enter the messy stew of life that true brilliant, shining light emerges. I can't wait to see what comes from such bravery.