Monday, July 21, 2008

A Midge Too Far

Really, her name was Midge. Really. I'd never met a Midge before. I've met a Madge. I've met a Mildred. But never a Midge. Really. Midge. Can you imagine?

Not only that, if I'd been asked to guess her name. I'd have guessed, Midge. Even though I've never seen one, she looked like one. Her hair looked like it was styled years ago and then held together by layer after layer of spray. The lacquered look. God's honest truth, there was a small blue bow in her hair. Guess the colour. Go ahead. I won't tell you, but just guess. Try to be exact.

Anyways, Midge and I, we two, bonded the other day at the mall. I had to get away from the noise and confusion of the move and went to the concourse nearby our apartment downtown. After pushing myself for a bit I was tired so I stopped by a cluster of chairs. Midge magically morphed into position beside me. She was all agog at my independance as a disabled person.

Midge talked as if she was practicing for the gossip olympics. Normally this kind of thing bothers me but she was distracting and funny. She had all sorts of tales about people with disabilities in her family. My gosh, Midge's family was practically busting out all over with cripples. They all live quite a good life to, thank you very much.

Then she focussed attention on me. When I told her that I had a job, I thought she practically orgasmed with delight. I tried out the title of my new position (got a wee promotion at work) and said I was Director of ... I couldn't get by 'Director' because Midge was on and on about how good it was for men with disabilities to feel like men. To earn a living. It does wonders for the masculine sense of self. Midge had read an article or two on 'What Men Need' I'm sure.

I promise you, I didn't see it coming.

You probably do.

But I didn't.

Then, she laid her hand on me knee at looked at me with ... with ... with l-o-n-g-i-n-g. She wanted me. She desired me. I saw her hand run up and down the rim of my wheelchair as she asked where I lived and did I live alone.

This never happens to me.


Well, once, in a bar in L.A. but that's another, seedier story.

So let's go back to ... This never happens to me.

I didn't know what to do. I can tell off a stranger in an instant, if necessary. But what kind of man breaks Midge's heart. All sorts of things ran through my head 'I'm gay' being the first of many. But Midge looked like the kind of girl would would want to make a cripple walk, turn a gay man straight. I simply said, "I am about to celebrate my 40th anniversary."

Midge backed right off. She might be many things, but she ain't no homewrecker. Not our Midge. She congratulated me for being the kind of man with principles.

She told me to tell the 'missus' how lucky she is.

And believe me, I did.


Heike Fabig said...

Well, why wouldn't it happen to you. Not sure if Midge read your mediation but she looked straight through the tired old fat guy disguise you've been trying on us.

And yeah, you tell 'the missus' how lucky he is. Midge said so.

You know, i often think that maybe Joe should start a blog all of his own...

wendy said...

Oh my...and what did the missus say? Lucky for him you weren't looking for a change of pace! ;-)

Congrats on the promotion, btw! Of course now we all want to know "Director of what?????"

Dave Hingsburger said...

Oh, I am now the Director of Clinical and Educational Services at Vita. Sorry, wasn't meaning to be a tease.

Anonymous said...

And how does Joe like being referred to as the "missus"? LOL!

Congrats on your promotion, you deserve it!

Anonymous said...

Oh my!!! This story is a hoot! I am cracking up! I agree, I think Joe may have some pretty good writing to do also. I know a few Midges, male and female. The are quite colorful people aren't they?

Kei said...


Congratulations on your promotion.
And yes, Midge was right... your 'missus' is lucky... as are you.

lina said...

this is one I would have paid to watch! Hysterical - but you have to answer my question - what colour was her hair - I guessed red.....was it??

Dave Hingsburger said...

Lina, I'll tell the hair colour after 4 other guesses.

Belinda said...

Okay, okay, I'm guessing blonde--platinum. I'm guessing she had long laquered nails too--maybe with a flower painted on them. And I see her as wearing high heels, but maybe comfie running shoes instead if she was working in the food court. But she wears the heels after work for sure.

Congratulations on the promotion, and to Vita on a good catch for D of CS! :)

Anonymous said...

Next guess: Hair dyed neon pink

And, an extra guess: Hair dyed blue to match the blue bow

Anonymous said...

Oh, I don't think it was strange, about 25ish years ago, when I listened to you at a TASH conference, I had a teeny crush on you myself!! (Sorry Joe)


Anonymous said...

I'm seconding (or thirding or whatever) the suggestion that the "missus" should start his own blog - or post on yours occasionally. Unless your like me and don't like sharing. Oh and I'm guessing she had a blue rinse - sounds about right for Midge!

Anonymous said...

I, too, would welcome either a blog of Joe's own, or an occasional guest "blog post" from Joe.

You've said you had meant to take a semi "blog vacation" this summer -- which in practice seems to have meant only a couple of days off here and there :-) Perhaps if you roped Joe into doing a few blog posts for you, you could have a little more of a blog vacation if that's what you really want :-)

Or, hey, you could occasionally have BOTH a blog post from Joe AND one from yourself IN THE SAME DAY! Even more fun!

Anonymous said...

I count four guesses on Midge's hair color. So, Come'on, give! ;-)

theknapper said...

Your story made my day!!!!I'm sure this story will be told & retold.....Nice to know you're hot....welcome to the Big City!

theknapper said...

If this was a Dark Shadows episode, you could have moved into your parallel life with Midge....what adventures you could have.....or not?!

Dave Hingsburger said...

For those really curious her hair was 'frosted gold' ... how do I know? She told me. Her hair style was not unlike Raymond's mother on Everybody Loves Raymond ... only glossy. I enjoyed your guesses, Belinda was closest.

Kei said...

frosted gold... I never would have guessed that... I was thinking red, like the old Midge dolls from the 60's
I had one of those, lol.

wendy said...

Sorry...I just have to wave at TheKnapper for remembering Dark Shadows! I used to watch it when I was a kid. I don't remember much about it, really, other than the vampires...not your usual "Soaps" fare! Barnabus Collins was not your Victor Newman type! LOL

Anonymous said...

I read this late, so my guess would have come in too late. I was going to guess either bright red or that blue/grey shade so many Midge's love.

Welcome to Toronto!

FAB said...

Hello...did I not say I would throw my bra at you???

Gaina said...

Haha, she sounds wonderful. It's funny how the type of person who would normally drive you crazy can charm you in the right circumstances, isn't it?

Thanks for the much needed chuckle and congratulations on the promotion xx