Saturday, October 27, 2007

Guilt

It came buried in an email. Just a short mention that her present disability, the constant pain she feels, is a result of the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father as a child. I feel a grip at my throat. Guilt.

I didn't know.

She is my oldest niece. We have a long history together, lots of shared stories. My favourite was when she was a little girl trying to figure out relationships. She knew that Joe was her uncle and that I lived with Joe. So she did the arithmetic and when seeing me in the store where my mother worked she ran pell mell through the aisles yelling, "It's Auntie Dave, it's Auntie Dave!" She still calls me that.

I didn't know.

Her father was a real piece of work. He began an angry drunk and turned into a vicious Christian. He converted, I think, primarily because he found a way to channel his anger. He never spoke of God's love, he only spoke of God's vengence. He loved knowing with the certainty of a zealot that God loved him - but hated the rest of us. His eye looked at everyone through righteousness and his judgements lashed out and were used to hurt and harm.

I should have guessed.

But.

I didn't know.

His little girl grew up, in spite of him, loving the two of us. She did from the start. I remember once being left to babysit for a couple of hours, and babysit is the right term. She was still in diapers. I was still in my teens (Joe and I began our relationship at 16) and I had been promised that she was freshly changed so would be fine until they returned. About 20 minutes in she was soaked and looking at me like ... ok ... a new diaper please. This was in the days of cloth diapers. Well, I got her dried off and then tried to figure out how to fold a diaper. No matter what I did, I couldn't get her wrapped up properly. When Mom came home I was still trying to get her into that damn diaper.

I didn't know.

When she graduated her wish was to come and visit us in Toronto along with Grandma. We had a spectacular time. She proudly told everyone we met about how she was our niece. Other family members have 'come around' but she always simply saw us for what we were, without question. Family.

I really didn't know.

She told me one day when we were sitting together in a car. The others had gone for a walk, she and I decided to stay back and talk. Then it poured out. I sat there stunned. Her father had been unspeakable in his violence to her. His anger at the world spilled over and he struck her and struck her and struck her again. She didn't bow to him. She was defiant in the face of his anger. Possibly a bad choice, but it's who she is. And I love who she is.

Until that moment.

I didn't know.

Now she's writing to tell us that the doctor believes that her growing disability is a result of child abuse. I know that abuse is the number one cause of disability. I know that I've been working for years to bring an end to the violence experienced by those with disabilities. I feel like I've cared more for others than I did for her.

I didn't know.

10 comments:

lina said...

Dave,
you couldn't have known, and your guilt speaks only to your passion - your neice is talking to you - and likely not talking to too many other people. Thank God she has you and has always seen you for the amazing person you are. This I don't think is about 'having to know', rather about having always been there for her and continuing to do so, I'll bet for her that's the most important thing.

Anonymous said...

Hi,
Just have to let you know that SHE may not have really known either. As a survivor, I can tell you that I didn't really really know until I was an adult with my own children that most grandfathers don't have those kinds of relations. I can also tell you that the point of full disclosure was more difficult in the face of such guilt from those I told. Sorry if I sound like a know-it-all-pants, I don't mean to, it's just that her story is "creepy-close" to my own.

Kei said...

You didn't know because often victims become adept in hiding the abuse; they hide it even from the ones they feel safest with. Maybe she didn't tell you before because she didn't need Dave the counselor or Dave the advocate, she needed her Auntie Dave.
You didn't know, but now you do.

Hugs to you both.

Casdok said...

As Kei, said you didnt know but you do now. So dont beat yourself up.
All very sad though.
Hugs all round.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately, abuse hides itself, and those who should know very often don't.

You believed her when she told you. That counts for a lot.

Myrrien said...

I've not read the other replies yet Dave but I imagine they will say the same as I do.

You did care... you provided that child with the knowledge that there was someone who cared for her despite the horror going on at home. And she told you.

Others too had a responsibility in protecting that child, she was surrounded by many but you know abuse is hidden and as so often is the case it was missed.

The responsible one is the so called man who breached his trust as a father and hid behind an apparent belief system. I'm sorry but he is not a christian, anyone who breaks a child's trust like that is unworthy.

I am sorry, for your and Joe's grief and for her ongoing pain. Abuse caused many victims. It must come to an end.

Sally said...

" I know that abuse is the number one cause of disability."

Now, that strikes a cord.

Please, if you read your commentators, respond and direct this reader (counsellor, physcially disabled) to where in your publications this is expanded.

Unknown said...

No one knows

No one Ever knows.

That's why one in four REPORTED abuse cases is the current figure...REPORTED CASES! That means the the ACTUAL number is much higher.

God save us.

I've seen it...the look. When mom was informed that the loving step-father had been sexually molesting the young daughter. The denial...The shock.

She really didn't know.

All we can do is to keep pounding it into the grade schoolers...TELL! TELL SOMEONE!!

More Importantly??? we have to re-write the way it is followed up on. Children are still being killed, and worse, at an unbelievable rate!

I'm sorry you didn't know. I know exactly how you are feeling.

We ALL should have known.

Anonymous said...

you always write so powerfully but I epecially could feel the emotion in this post-thank you for being brave enough to share it. I'm so thankful I've become familiar with your blog and I'll definitely be back again~Kara
P.S. Thanks for contributing to the last carnival-I really had a blast hosting it!

Elizabeth McClung said...

The fact that she told you tells me a great deal more about who you are to her than about her abuser.

I guess at this point I would say, maybe get some counselling yourself because I know you've been an advocate and a victim of the systematic social demeaning that comes with disability but if this role is new for you, maybe someone besides your neice can help you be what your neice will need you to be.

And it's not your fault. If you are going to say that and expect her to believe it, I think you may need to learn to believe it yourself.