Next Time

He seemed nice at first. He was pushing a grocery cart full of items to be stocked onto a shelf. He saw me come into the store and veered over to say hello to me. I was in my power wheelchair and I thought he'd just wanted to say 'hey' disabled person to disabled person. I was almost charmed by the gesture. I went about my business in the store and began noticing him often in the same aisle as me, with his cart, looking at me. After this happened three or four times, I began to get a little creeped out by him. He never stood close enough to me so I could speak to him quietly and ask him what was up or ask him to stop. I would have had to call to him loudly. His intellectual disability already centred him out, I didn't want my behaviour to add to it.

Then.

I turned an aisle and he was right there, he came at me with his cart, missing me by inches and on his way by he said something absolutely brutal and cruel to me about my weight and my disability. I was stunned breathless by the hurt and the surprise. I sat on the spot for a minute or two and then continued on my way. Thoughts raced through my head. I thought about speaking to the manager. But then, I knew if I did he'd probably lose his job. It's Christmastime do I want someone to lose their job at Christmas. He has an intellectual disability and it was probably hard enough for him to get this job, let alone another one.

Thoughts changed tracks, but raced along at breakneck speeds. I'm tired. I don't want to have to call a manager. I don't want to always have to be doing this kind of things. I'm tired. I don't want the emotion that will come from all of this. I'm tired. I haven't been home in days, I don't want to be bothered with this.

Thoughts. What he did was horrible. He hurt me. He scared me. This behaviour is unacceptable. If he was non disabled I wouldn't stand for it or question what I would do. BUT. I'm tired.

I didn't do anything.

I didn't report him.

I didn't write the manager of the store later to express my upset.

I let it go.

And I was wrong. Completely wrong.

Tired or not. Disabled or not. He verbally abused me - and scared me along the way. This behaviour is simply not acceptable. Who knows who he's going to approach next time? 

And there will be a next time.

He is the only person responsible for his behaviour.

And I'm responsible for mine - I will bear some of the blame for what happens ... next time.