I don't know what's wrong with me.
It's almost like I've just given up.
Or maybe ... more like I can't be bothered to bother.
Since we've been back from our last trip Joe and I have been out a fair bit in our local community doing things that need to be done to prepare for the holidays. This means, primarily, shopping. There are a couple of stores that Joe and I go to regularly, we both enjoy shopping there and we know the stores well. One of the stores and I came to an agreement a long while back, after I threw what they probably called a 'hissy fit' and I probably called 'impassioned advocacy,' that there would always be at least one open aisle that would cross the entire store and one that would go the length of the store. This is a promised made about holidays and holiday displays and I'm pleased to say that even with, now, three change of managers, the promise has been kept.
So, we were outside this store, getting ready to go in. I was feeling a bit tired from all the travel and from some of the expectations for work that I still had to fulfil. I looked into the crowded store, I could see what I've come to see as 'my aisles' there, free of displays, waiting for me. I thought about the fact that even with these open aisles, the crowds of people, the tremendous care that I have to take not to knock anything over, and it all just seemed too much. I asked Joe to go on ahead and I waited elsewhere in the mall.
I've done that three times this season.
I just can face the difficulties in getting by things and people.
This is a season where people are either extra nice or extra nasty depending on whatever stressors they are facing. Although annoying sometimes, I prefer the extra, and often unnecessarily, nice ones - even the ones I need to thank for help I didn't either want or need to the nasty ones. But the idea of the spinning the 'human spirit' roulette wheel can just seem to chancy. So ... I stayed out.
I don't do this.
This isn't like me.
I worry that I'm simply going to become content with waiting outside.
I worry that I'm going to give over spaces that I've fought to be in.
I worry that I'm building a barrier, in my heart and mind, that's bigger than any in the real world.
Or ... maybe I just need a rest.
Or ... maybe I just need to give myself a break.
Or ... maybe I'm just gathering steam.