I am very disturbed by my behaviour. I am concerned about how I reacted. I am worried that maybe I am changing. I don't ever want to become bitter, I don't want to be one of those constantly angry people who are pleased at the plight of others. Here's my confessional ...
We were going south on Yonge Street, just up ahead was a popular store. Unlike other stores in the area it has ribs. I don't know how else to describe it. The windows and the walls where they are located are recessed, and then it juts out sharply about a foot for about a foot and then indents again for another window. The 'ribs' are brightly painted and easy to see.
A man, walking with his wife, noticed me as I came along behind them. The stare began there. I had slowed, to let someone pass, so he had to turn a bit more to keep his eyes glued to the sight of me. I saw it coming. Clearly saw it coming. He'd wandered over and was only a couple feet from running smack into the brick wall. In my heart I knew that I should indicate to him that he was going to hit the wall. I knew I had time. I knew he was walking at a speed that would end up in some pain when he hit it.
His eyes bore into my soul.
Yet he would never see the turmoil there.
The time ticked on, seemingly slowed.
I moved my hand to indicate 'watch out' ... his eyes roamed over the size of me.
My hand fell back.
He crashed into the wall.
His wife, startled by what happened, she'd been talking on the phone and didn't notice him wandering over, blew up at him. Why was he never paying attention? Why did he constantly embarrass her? She just lit into him.
I rolled by, looked at him, and smiled.
Through the whole thing I was disturbed by what I was doing. But that disturbance, this time, wasn't enough to prod me to do the right thing. I just couldn't. I told myself that his safety wasn't my responsibility - what a horrible idea.
I admit it felt good, having the stare end with some kind of punishment. Yes it felt good but only for a few seconds.
That enjoyment was short lived.
It's replaced by worry.
I don't want to be the kind of person that just lets an accident happen.
Am I at the edge of the slippery slope? Am I just done with being stared at and objectified? I don't know. But this public post is my way of saying to you, and to myself, that it's my job, as a human being, to stay, constantly humane.
His behaviour did not excuse mine.
I know it doesn't work that way.
Now I have to work at remembering that fact.