Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Voices

Suddenly, he was just there. He startled those around me, too. My Grandmother used to refer to some people she knew as 'the walking wounded'. She always meant it charitably and most importantly, descriptively. His clothes were dirty and mismatched. His shirt both tucked in and not. His hair both brushed and not. It was the kind of outfit that was only missing the twitch.

He began to speak, seemingly to no one there. All those around me tensed. Most looked ready to run. The red light seemed to have forgotten to change. I did not tense. I heard his voice, it was not ranting, not raving. It was gentle. Kind, even. And if you listened to the words, which I have learned over the years to do, they were full of meaning, not malice. They were soft words of reassurance. As I suspected his words had an audience. Not us, beside him. Not Satan, below him. Not Martians, above him. But Self, within him.

He said:

"It's just fear. That's all, just fear. You are bigger than fear. You are stronger than fear. You control fear. Fear does not control you. You control fear."

He said:

"You've made it another hour. That's good. That's great. You can do another hour, two easy. You're on your way. Focus. Focus."

He said:

"You are the voices in your head. You speak the words. You can choose the words to be kind. You can choose the words to be encouraging. You can stop hateful words. You can stop harmful mantras. You can give yourself the love you need."

The light changed. We all headed across the street. He was a few feet behind my chair. Mumbling to himself. Taking care of himself. Encouraging himself. I believed, at that moment, entirely in his ability to make it this time. I don't know how many times he has tried or how many times he has failed, but this time I believe for him. I send my belief to him. I hope as he sleeps it's my encouragement he hears in his dreams.

Who knows who hurt him in the past.

Who knows who taught him gentle words.

Of the two, I know which I'd like to meet.

I wonder if those around him had listened to his words. How many would have learned something from him. About the everyday courage that every day takes.

5 comments:

Kate said...

That is freaking BEAUTIFUL!!!

Thanks so much for sharing

I am that person who needs to use self encouragement to get thru every day. I am inspired to read about another trying so hard.

Anonymous said...

My boy uses self talking to resolve concerns and talk himself out of tough situations - often when his behaviour is not 'appropriate'. Listening to him is a revelation. A boy who struggles with speech normally becomes fluid and composed when his audience is himself.

Jan Goldfield said...

Dave, you are a master wordsmith. And you compassion shows through them. Thank you for writing.

Michelle said...

That is so beautiful and powerful! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Dave, you clearly listen well with your ears and your eyes but most importantly with your heart. I thank God right now for your ablilty to listen and share, for your heart, your ears and your eyes. You are a blessing and I pray you be blessed x

Laura xx