Usually, things happen in amongst so much activity, so many distractions, that I don't learn what I need to learn or realize what I need to realize. But I had a moment of intensity that was also in an atmosphere without distraction - in fact I was entirely alone. This is an uncomfortable blog to write with an uncomfortable admission in it but here goes:
I arrived at work unthinkably early. I couldn't get a wheeltrans ride for the right time so I ended up getting on the van before the clock had struck seven. I arrived well before eight. I was deposited outside the door and I bid the driver farewell. I had my key to the building and I was preparing to let myself in. But when I came to put the key in the lock it simply didn't fit. I took a good look and it was clear that the key didn't match the lock.
I couldn't believe that they would have changed the lock without alerting me. Here I am the only employee that doesn't have means to easily get around, the only employee that is completely without other options when facing the locked door. I could feel my face screw up in preparation for a tantrum of the highest order. Oh, I went to the fury buffet and got heaping helpings of self righteousness and self pity. I imagined the email I would write, the memo I would send, the words flowed brilliantly. Anger focused my attention and loosed my control.
Then, as I was putting the key back I noticed that there was another key in my wallet. I looked again and found that I had been attempting to put the apartment key into the office door.
Thankfully no one was around to have seen my angry face.
But, there was no one else there to distract me. Nothing to take my focus away. So I noticed something.
I enjoyed that. Getting angry was kind of 'fun' in odd way. 'Fun' is the wrong word but I don't know another word to replace it with. In a weird kind of way I just loved jumping into the role of victim, the poor disabled guy that eveyone forgets about, the self pity was sweeter than pie! Oh my.
So this is how people become addicted to anger.
So this is how people become hooked on fury.
It feels good.
It's weirdly - fun.
It makes the focus only me.
It makes me the center of my own attention.
Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.
So for the next two days I've been watching. Something happens and I leap to anger and then, stop, recognize what I'm doing and choose differently. It's been a really nice couple of days. I haven't been so tired. I haven't needed naps. Sure there's been less drama.
But who needs drama.