Wednesday, May 07, 2008

I Have

I'm wondering if you, dear reader, ever wake up in the middle of the night full of fear and panic, reviewing decisions you've made, asking yourself if you've done the right thing.

I have.

I'm wondering if you, fellow traveller, ever look at the people you know well and wonder, really wonder, what they think of you - deep down.

I have.

I'm wondering if you, mes amis, ever jealously guard and protect a part of yourself that you are dying to share with another.

I have.

I'm wondering if you, anonymous one, ever hold on so tightly to a thought, an idea, a preconception that it loses life.

I have.

I'm wondering if you, screen reader, ever feel like a morning is not filled with hope and wonder but with futility and loss.

I have.

I'm wondering if you, friend of fat, ever try to push the inevitable over a cliff only to fall with it and land hard.

I have.

I'm wondering if you, zaza and zozo, have ever picked up the pieces of your life and then spent years trying to put it back together.

I have.

I'm wondering if you, friend and foe, have ever considered that the cost of being human is maybe just a bit too high, a bit too much, a bit extraordinary.

I have.


Susan said...

Dave, we all have.

I don't know what's up, but I'm praying for you today. And all the rest of the "I haves" too - but mostly for you.

Love, Susan

FAB said...

Add me to those who are praying for the "I have's" and you.

By the way, I have...but somehow I hold on to the idea that whatever pain exists it is there as a reminder of what true bliss is. If we don't experience pain, we can't truly experience joy/ Some have way more pain than others, but I keep hope by remembering that they are usually the phoenix's who rise from the ashes and make our world a better place.

liz said...

I have too.

I'm thinking of you and hoping that whatever it is that has made you lose yesterday's beautiful day feeling will resolve.

Kei said...

I have many times~ they were constant companions through most of my life. It landed me in the psychiatric unit of the hospital for a few weeks 16 years ago, and for a couple years after, kept invading my thoughts, affecting my actions.

But I didn't just survive; I finally learned how to live, trust, and embrace life. I still have some off days, but they are so much easier to chase away.

Adding my prayers & thoughts to you and all the 'I have's' and 'I am's' out there.

FridaWrites said...

Yes. I always feel that everyone else is doing everything right and that I am just muddling through or worse.

Anonymous said...

"ever wake up in the middle of the night full of fear and panic"

I do. almost every night.

"ever look at the people you know well and wonder, really wonder, what they think of you - deep down."

I do. especially now.

"ever feel like a morning is not filled with hope and wonder but with futility and loss."

I do. every day.

"have ever picked up the pieces of your life and then spent years trying to put it back together."

I have. I am still trying.

rickismom said...

I was with you till the last one.Today I can not imagine being there.

Once I have even felt the last one, but years ago my mom told me:

"If you ever feel really down and out, just hold on. Eventually the fog will lift and life will regain its beauty. Just know that it passes."

That info helped me even with the last one.
Maybe you need to pamper yourself a bit today.

theknapper said...

I have been to some of those places. Hang on & take care & know you are loved.

myrrien said...

I am thinking of you Dave (and Joe too) and hope that the days ahead are days that return you to the fight.

Best wishes.

Anonymous said...

yes... some days more than others, but i alway remember that "this too shall pass"


sam23 said...

hi Dave when you back in the uk?,newcastle gateshead area.
thanks, keep up the good work

gracie1956 said...

On any given day I can go to any or all of those places you mentioned. By the grace of God I don't live there any more, but I do visit there some days. I am blessed with a few really good friends who are always there when I reach out to them, but sometimes I can't reach out. On those days I believe I am carried by my Higher Power. I try to remember this Dave, feelings are not facts. (my opinion only) Just because I feel hopeless and alone does not mean that I am hopeless and alone. Just because I imagine that people are thinking bad things about me does not mean they are and when I think that my pain will never be relieved I need to try and remember all the times when I came through the darkness into the light again. I am not trying to discount your feelings. All feelings are valid and many times are completely over-whelming. But, for me it is so important to not dwell too long in my fear and sadness. This may sound really cheesy but I think it is true, that every dark cloud has a silver lining. Just sometimes it takes a while to see it. God didn't bring you or me this far to drop us on our heads now. I hope all this makes sense to you. Your blog has become a welcome respite in my day. Thank you for sharing. God bless you always.

Colleen said...

Dear Dave:

Your post today is sobering and leaves me wondering what may have happened. There are times when life seems so hard, when our isolation seems more real than our connectedness, when being human seems to cost too dear. Know dear Dave that there are many thoughts and prayers with you. And know that you - who you are - that would be Dave the whole package - and what you do - makes a difference to many many people.

Take care

Anonymous said...

everyone with any sensibility at all has.

darkness passes. I hope yours passes soon.

Dave Hingsburger said...

Wow, thank you all for your prayers and concerns, I wrote that piece yesterday after a bad sleep due to a panic attack. 15 or 20 minutes later all was fine.

Have you ever written something that you meant at the time but wasn't a reflection of who you really are or what you really feel most of the time ... I have.

Kei said...

Dave, panic attacks kept me from doing so many things up until just a few years ago. And yes, they do mess with my sleep and vice~versa. Even now when they hit me by surprise it does change my usual positive self, so yes...

I have.

So glad to know it passed quickly for you.

e said...

my son developed those after he went to college. He is still trying to keep them under control, the big ole, strappin, defensive end gridiron footballer that he is!

He's already been to the ER, thinking he was having a heart attack! At the ripe old age of 23!

We learned that 1/3 of all cardiac arrests in the ER ARE panic attacks! WOW!

i love the in a bad spot in my life, FOR NO REASON!! my whole life has been tragedy after tragedy...and now that i have nothing to run after? nothing to survive???

I'M DEPRESSED! or bored..i don't know what it is yet, i do know i DON'T LIKE IT!

it's nice to see all the caring people in the world reaching back out to you.

the human psyche...what a goofy thing!


hope all is well with you today.