I heard them as the arrived and gathered in the foyer. I had enjoyed my presentations thus far in Dublin but this was the one I looked forward to most. 25 people with disabilities - 24 with Down Syndrome - were coming to learn about abuse prevention. As soon as I rolled into the conference hall foyer I knew that this was where they would gather. There was coffee, lots of it, and Danish pasteries stacked on the tables. "Well, if they don't like me, they're gonna love the treats," I thought with relief.
I waited in the conference room getting myself into the mindset for teaching. The first two guys came in. Both looked to be in their teens. They said "hello" and were heading to a table to take a seat. As we chatted I learned that one of them was 16 and the other 18. Ouch. I made a joke that they were just kids. The 16 year old smiled but the 18 year old guy was affronted. "I am not a kid, I am an adult!" He was not kidding. He was communicating something very serious to me.
It became important to me that he understood my comment. In no way was I implying that he was not a growing adult. I said, "All I meant was that I was over 50 so anyone under 30 is a kid to me." He was still offended, "They may be," he said, "but I am an adult."
OK, point taken.
Adulthood has been a long fought for right for people with intellectual disabilities.
And we aren't there yet.
First came the battle for community.
Now will come the tougher battle. The battle for adulthood. The battle for respect. The battle to be taken seriously.
And the enemies will be different this time. The enemies will come from within. They will be agencies that are so afraid of liability that they will limit rather than free. They will be parents who are so afraid of risk that they will restrict rather than let go. They will be staff who feel that their job is to govern not to guide.
Adulthood will be a battle not fought for by us for them. But by them from us. And they will need the kind of courage that that man had. That man. That MAN. That 18 year old MAN who stood up to me and let me know that he was an adult and would not under any circumstances be referred to in childish ways. Even though I didn't mean what he thought I meant, I said what he heard me say.
Throughout the class I glanced at him and was please to see that he relaxed into the class and even seemed to enjoy it.
At lunch afterwards I noticed him looking at a woman who was very pretty and a couple years older than him.
And you know what?
It was clear.
Very very clear.
That he was a man.
12 comments:
in my heart i wsh this could be one of the guys i work with, stuation we see every day. person ready to grow up and be an 'adult' and a world determined to keep as a child. maybe one day we'll get through, not to educate the service users but to educate the world. they are adults they have their own minds, lets just give thema chance to express it!!!
I very much look forward to the day when I can act like me and still be seen as an adult.
You will note that a comment was deleted. I did that as sara had accidently sent it twice. I thought that by removing it, the extra comment would just be gone. Then I saw the 'comment deleted' notice. I just want to assure everyone that I do not delete any comments ... positve (of course) or negative. I leave them all up for everyone to read. I just thought here, I'd tidy up. I won't do that again. So, again, not to worry all comments are left on and unedited in any way. Dave Hingsburger
elmindreda, i am with you on that one. 34 and still trying to be -and be seen as- an adult. if there are different ways of being human, there must be different ways of being adult human.
DaveH, i think neatening up is good, and explaining is also good. i donno about Sara, but it always bothers me if i accidentally post twice and can't get the 2nd one deleted (some blog systems let you delete your own duplicates and some don't).
Dave - My comment isn't specifically about this post, but just a thanks to you for writing about these issues. I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter with Downs and I feel like I've learned more from you in a month about how to "hold" disability than I have in the last couple years put together. You have a gift of describing poignantly and succinctly feelings and concepts that, for me, are often very complex. Thanks for sharing your perspective and insight.
-Susan Wright Geiger
I realize that people with cognitive and development related disabilities generally have a bigger and far more pervasive/widespread challenge with being recognized as "adults." But I've sometimes had frustration with my parents (albeit on a much smaller scale than is being discussed here) in relation to my attention deficit disorder. My parents don't really believe my diagnosis as ADD (which I sought out on my own 10 years ago), so to them my messy apartment and tendency to procrastinate are signs of "immaturity" and my need "to grow up." (I'm approaching middle age.) Yes, I could do better in these areas, but they refuse to believe that, no, it's not so easy for me to "just do it," that these things will always be challenging for me, and even if I do eventually learn to do better (and I have, in a few specific areas) it will never come easily or naturally.
At least in my case, they haven't tried to take away key human rights because of their perception of me as "immature" and "not adult enough" at least in certain areas. (I suppose it helps that my perceived immaturity is confined to certain specific aspects of my life and is not as pervasive as it would be for someone with cognitive or development related disabilities). But, to them, they see my apparent immaturity as something that inherently gives them the right to nag and pressure me to do certain things. Which to some extent is, I suppose, simply a typical parent thing: probably every parent nags their adult children simply because they've gotten into a certain groove in how they interact with their children and maybe see it as a continuing responsibility that will always (for them) be part of being a "parent".
But I sometimes wonder if they would behave a little differently (and with more respect) if they understood ADD better, and had more recognition that having ADD (despite the difficulties it presents) does not make me less of an adult even if it means I may need more flexibility or more support (of the RIGHT kind) in certain areas such as household clutter.
Thank you for your vision and committment to people with intellectual disability. It is uplifting and energising for me to listen and see the effect you had on people in Dublin. They were enthralled. May the Lord continue to guide you and bless your work.
May
Dave - are you coming to England soon? I chew the fat with you everyday and would dearly love to meet you or even hear you speak.
Andrea
Andrea, I am scheduled to come over to England in the late fall. Go to the Paradigm website in Oct or Nov for information. I'd love to chew the fat too. Dave
How about Scotland? ;-)
Sigh. This particular blog entry made me think of this:
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Renfrew man killed by police was 'mentally 12 years old'
'Mikey' posed no threat to officers, witnesses say
Suzanne Ma, The Ottawa Citizen
Published: Monday, April 09, 2007
People who knew Mike Foster are outraged that police would shoot dead a man they say had the mental capacity of a 12-year-old.
Mr. Foster, 24, was killed Saturday night after Renfrew OPP were called to his home about 4:30 p.m. to deal with what police say was "a family dispute between two brothers."
According to police, when the officers arrived, Mr. Foster, who was armed, approached them and a "confrontation" ensued.
Yesterday, those who knew Mr. Foster affectionately called him "Mikey" and said he lived at the home with his mother and 22-year-old brother.
He was on a disability pension and was supporting the family, after his father died last year of a heart attack.
Friend Norm Bujold said while he struggled with his disability, Mr. Foster was harmless.
"Mike was a good kid, maybe a little mixed up. He was slow, he struggled intellectually," said Mr. Bujold, who was a wrestling coach to Mr. Foster and his brother when they were children. "So when three police (officers) came to his house ... what did he do? With a guy who was mentally 12 years old, he came out with a knife."
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You can google to get the rest of the story.
There is so much wrong with this I don't even know where to begin. I suppose we should all run screaming now if we live anywhere near a person with an intellectual disability who has been tagged with having the mental abilities of a 12 year old, since obviously all such persons are going to come at us with knives, since after all that's apparently the normal way people with intellectual disabilities react to authority figures?!?!?!? NOT!!!!
I was going to write a letter to the paper about it but I was simply too pissed off to narrow it down to the brief sort of submissions that actually get published.
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