Have you ever had a behaviour that you wanted to get rid of, an impulse you wanted to control or a goal you wanted to achieve? Have you ever tried everything for change but find that you keep making the same bad decision over and over and over and over again?
That's me.
Right now.
That's me yesterday.
I firmly had a view as to how I would handle a high risk situation full of prompts and triggers and history. I did self talk and affirmations. I told myself a social story with victory at the end. I reviewed my strategies. I was confident. Even with all past failures, I was confident.
But.
All the preparation was nothing.
Trigger.
Old habits, old reactions, bad decisions and worse choices returned. Like a song that you'll never forget, "La La La La La La you're total failure, Oh Oh Oh Oh you're a total fool" that little ditty that goes round in your head chastising you.
That's me.
Right now.
That's me yesterday.
I freaking know better.
I freaking want better.
I freaking an really trying.
But it's so hard. Just so hard.
Changing behaviour is hard.
And consequences, there are many but the worst is the words I now allow myself to call myself and feel justified in doing so.
Everybody can learn new ways of doing things.
I believe that.
Pity that belief doesn't mean squat when you dance to old rhythms does it.
There's always tomorrow.
Always another humiliating failure coming down the pike.
I need another strategy, maybe one that acknowledges that failure is part of journey.
Oh. Gosh. Doesn't that sound like crap?
Think I'll just beat myself up for a few more hours, why not, it's never worked either.
The abuser in my head sings different lyrics, but it is the same sort of song - and after 30+ years of therapy and hard work, it's still in there! Hate it, hate it, hate it.
ReplyDeleteBUT it is not a truth voice - it is the voice of abuse, of messages that got woven into my self and my wiring when I was growing up.
And despite my best efforts to prevent that voice from getting the microphone, it just up and grabs the microphone and the podium and lets loose at times.
I've given up on the idea of silencing the critic permanently, and try to just keep that voice in perspective. Reminding myself that the words are from those who harmed me and that no person in my real current life is saying or thinking them, helps a bit.
Take care, Dave.
Hugs. Whatever it was, I'm sorry it still got to you.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. That doesn't sound like fun at all.
ReplyDeleteIf it was Joe who had done it - whatever it is - would you be calling him those names?
I bet not.
But oh, how I get it, none the less. Been there, done that, way too often.
Oh my! Let's you and me send our Infernal Internal Critics out for a nice long walk, preferably long enough so that they come back exhausted and ready for a long, quiet nap.
ReplyDeleteI so recognize the place you're describing. I hate when I fall into it.
Love and light, and hugs if you want them.
Beating yourself up doesn't help/ What can help is trying to see what triggered the failure and to try and revamp your stategy.
ReplyDeleteAlso know that exercising the "different behavior" "muscle" (even a BIT) does make it stronger for next time.