I am disappointed in myself.
In my defence I was tired.
But, I know that this is never a reason and always an excuse.
I was tired.
We were driving home on a hot day. Traffic had been really, really slow. We finally got to a point where we were moving more quickly and, with the windows down, the air felt wonderful and cool. We stopped at a stop light. A handsome man in a convertible looked over toward us and spotted me, he immediately turned to his girlfriend, the both looked, she glanced away quickly, embarrassed that I had seen her, he broke into laughter.
Now, I know.
It's his behaviour that is the issue.
He has no right to pointed and purposely laugh at or ridicule another person.
But, I didn't focus on his behaviour. I looked at him. Really looked at him. At that face that I thought was handsome. I scanned for flaws. I found them. I focused on them. In my mind I called him all sorts of names because of those facial flaws, flaws not immediately evident, but clearly there. I was vicious. And I felt better.
I want to evolve past the impulse to cruelty and meanness.
I want to be the person that notices behaviour and comments on behaviour, not someone who looks for ways to hurt back.
I don't want to immediately attack.
I want my mind to be more disciplined.
I want my mind to be able to react to cruelty in ways other than cruelty.
But I'm not there yet.
Give me time.