2:30 AM
Sleepless.
Sick with worry.
2:45 AM
Joe stirs beside me.
I know he is asleep, but I have to talk to someone. I'm caged by fear. We are flying to Edmonton in the morning. I had rolled over at about 1 and somehow the anxieties snuck in through the cracks in my eyes. Moments later they were in control.
Every concern I had about travel, grew large.
Every fear I had about my disability as it related to travel grew huge.
Every anxiety I had about my weight as it related to getting up steep airport ramps doubled in size.
I couldn't push them away. I couldn't compartmentalize them. I couldn't line them up, anxiety by anxiety, fear by fear, and deal with them one at a time. They had formed a chorus, they stood on my chest and took my breath away. They got into my ears and made such noise. I was overwhelmed and I felt lost.
But then.
Joe stirred.
Joe has his own worries about our trips.
It was unfair to add mine to his when he, like me, needed sleep.
"You awake," I said, while anxieties screamed and fears howled for me to leave him sleep.
"Mm, gotta go to the bathroom."
I waited.
He's back, "What's up?" he asked.
And I told him. Everything.
He put his hand on my shoulder and said, "It will be fine, you know it will. Now go back to sleep."
I felt the warm of his hand on my shoulder begin to drive the cold fear away. Anxiety took a few more minutes. And, as I waited for them to be fully gone. I fell asleep.
I'm writing this in Edmonton.
8 comments:
A trusted hand on your shoulder, a voice you know better than any other, a presence that calms all storms...........it feels like a lifejacket when you're close to sinking. In a perfect world everyone would have this kind of love.
Kel
lovely
Whew.
Welcome back to Edmonton Dave and Joe! I'm looking forward to learning more with you this week, especially the session on sexuality and disability. We have moved on to Hingsburgerizing our staff at our agency now, and not just the students at the Academy. We are adding a new mandatory PD course for all our staff on ethics and professional practice. Part 1 is Ethics of touch, part 2 is the Me & Mine module, part 3 is a seminar on ethical decision making.
Lesson: just because your feelings are too big for you, they probably aren't too big for someone who loves you.
love in action, in the darkest part of the night.
hope this trip goes smoothly.
Sometimes we just need to borrow someone else's flashlight to pierce through the darkness. Glad Joe was there to lend you his. Happy trails.
Didja see that, Hingsburgerizing is now a thing (thanks Janet of Edmonton). Dave, you are now a verb, right up there with googling, facebooking and tweeting :) But I'm very glad it's a thing because it helps keep our kids safe.
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