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| Photo description: Pillow with the words, in capital letters: LIVE LAUGH POOP |
I was scraping some poo onto a stick and then smearing the fecal material onto a card, surrounded my the smell of my own waste, when I thought, "This is how my day starts?"
Yep.
It's that time again.
Actually it's been that time for several months. I've had the poo stick test kit sitting in the bathroom for a really long time. I've had 4 calls about the test, encouraging me to get it done. I thought, "Someone out there is really, perversely, interested in my poo."
Yep.
It's that time again.
It's actually been in the bathroom so long that when I tried to open the envelope that I put it in, the one I'm supposed to send it back in, I had to rip into it, I thought, "I wonder if it's entirely legal to send poo through the mail? Through rain, through snow, through sleet, through hail, I will deliver envelopes full of poo!"
Yep.
It's that time again.
I pulled out the card upon which to smear poo and the stick with which to gather the poo in order to get ready for doing the dump from which I would mine the fecal material. When I looked at the card and the stick, they looked kind of sad to me. I thought, "Did the card want to be a greeting card, did it fail at greeting card school and get sent to the shit list? Did the stick want to be a Popsicle stick, did it do something wrong, is being a shit stick punishment visited upon sticks from an uncompromising stick god?"
Yep.
It's that time again.
I almost didn't do it. I almost put it all back. But I didn't want to disappoint the chirpy, happy voice of the woman who calls to find out if my poo has been mailed in. I didn't want to make another empty promise. I thought that would be a shitty thing to do to someone. So I sat down to make my own rare and apparently, highly collectible, stool sample. I got up, looked at it and thought, "Not a bad effort, I can comfortably say that I'd made one that was perfectly good for sending off to the lab."
Yep.
It's that time again.
I've got two more to do and I'm done! I thought, "What will I do with my time now that I'm no longer farming poo?"
Words fail me...I never considered the feelings of the card and the stick used in that process. Thanks for the morning giggle, Dave. You are a good writer, no matter what the subject.
ReplyDeleteJust wait, my husband did this test and got a letter from the Cancer Agency - which scared the crap out of him! The Cancer Agency sends out the results.
ReplyDeleteDave, We used to keep a list of typos called Spell Checker Strikes Again and on that list was Attention Defecate Disorder - I think you might have it - its a shitty thing to have!
ReplyDeleteColleen
Hahahaha!
ReplyDelete--Littlewolf
LMAO. Under the sink of my bathroom, I have a bag holding a big stryform filled cooler. In the box is a little plastic container that in a better life might have been a margarine container.
ReplyDeleteLast fall I took part in a trial of a vaccine for C-Dif, and IF the vaccine fails, they want a sample. The nice chirpy lady calls me every week or two to see if i am still ok.
So be glad they only want a stick's worth!
Sharon
One of the weird things I'm learning about pregnancy is that midwives are distressingly chirpy about bodily waste. Like, even more than disability doctors and nurses (in my experience at least).
ReplyDeleteEvery time I proffer my little cylindrical urine sample tube, I say something like "do I leave this with you?" and instead of what I would consider a normal response of "yes, I'll take that," midwives without fail give an astonishingly perky "ooh, yes please! Brilliant! We love wee!"
I'm surprised that your labs still uses the stick and card test. We have the FIT test here. One little blue stick, quick dip, in the case and to the lab. No longer the multi-collecting. It is sooooo much easier and less traumatic to collect.
ReplyDelete