Today we have a book review by Karin Melberg Schwier! This came about because Karin emailed me about this book she was reading. Her emails about the book, and her reaction to it, had me asking ... why not write a review for my blog. Karin quickly accepted. There are spoilers in this review - lots of them - but I think they were necessary in order for Karin to discuss her reaction to the novel.
Just Like Other
Daughters
By Colleen Faulkner
Kensington Publishing, 2013
Review by Karin Melberg Schwier
This is a fictional tale about a single mother in her 50’s
and her daughter, 25, who has Down syndrome. We are told it’s about a mother’s
struggle to support her daughter, despite her disabilities, to live a full life
that includes marriage and a sexual life with a partner. I don’t think it is.
And it made me grumpy.
Despite reviews I’ve read that paint this mother as a saint
for devoting her life to her daughter, I think this novel a profile of a mother
with a classic case of Munchausen’s by Proxy. She’s a woman with a constant need
for others to see her as a martyr caring with supreme sacrifice for her
daughter who, according to Mom, can never really care for herself. This mother
fiercely “protects” her daughter with a disability, but from I could see, makes
little effort to teach her daughter any real independence. Maybe I’m just
grumpy, but Alicia is the kind of parent I am determined to never become. If you read on, there will be spoilers.
This story is described as “an unflinching yet heartrending
story of mothers and daughters, and of the risks we all take, both in loving
and in letting go.” Alicia Richards, the main character, is a single mom and
college professor “trying to do her best” for her “Down syndrome daughter”
Chloe, 25. Alicia terminated her first baby when she and her academic ex-husband
had an affair (she was his student, he was married). “But my arms never stopped
aching for the first child.” Big foreshadow. Then she and Randall married and had
Chloe. Now her ex is still a serial womanizing department head who fools around
with his students and, she says, is no help at all in her life. He barely sees
Chloe long enough to take her to a fast food restaurant once a week. Alicia’s
own father and stepmother are distant and can’t interact with Chloe. The reader
is again and again reminded that Alicia must do everything herself. “I’m her
mother and I love her more than anyone else in the world loves her. How can I
not do everything for her until the day I die?” Well, giant red flag here. At
first I hoped this character was just having a momentary martyr moment, but it
just goes on. And on.
I started stewing when I began reading this book and have
been stewing since I finished it a couple of nights ago. I should say I get
that this is fiction. I think Colleen Faulkner is a skilled novelist. She
weaves a good story and I was drawn in, irritation with the protagonist aside. In
the author’s Q & A at the back of the book, Colleen notes that a friend who
works in a group home informed her research about “these special people.” I
found the not infrequent “factoids” and generalizations about “Down syndrome
people” – a phrase that rankles – to be distracting and steeped in the
custodial model of care. These were sprinkled throughout the story and felt
like educational PSAs.
Or maybe I’m just totally ticked off at Alicia, the main
character. I kept hoping her gay Jiminy Cricket friend Jin would grab her by
the shoulders and yell, “This isn’t about YOU!” But it kept coming back to that,
all the way through the story. Alicia presents everything she does in the guise
of helping Chloe, of being a protective mother. She offers choices, but sadly
they are choices between French fries or mozzarella sticks. Stop with the fast
food already! Oh, she knows she needs more “me” time. She tries valiantly but
just can’t establish a relationship for herself through on-line dating, but
nothing works out. Besides, she sighs, caring for Chloe leaves her without any
energy for any other relationship. We see Mark the “hunky plumber” obviously
waiting in the wings, even if she can’t.
Chloe interjects her point of view in the first person periodically
in the book (not enough, in my opinion). I felt Chloe’s voice was used as a
reminder to us that she is really “just a child.” Chloe seems relatively
capable, and expresses herself well. At 25, however, her mother treats her more
like she’s 6. Alicia drops the ball in helping her daughter to mature; Chloe
wears childish clothes, has temper tantrums, overeats junk food and drinks chocolate
milk with alarming frequency because it’s genetic and, after all, “Down
syndrome people” have “a zeal for food.” I got the distinct impression that
everything childish and immature about Chloe was because that’s just the way
“Down syndrome people” are and confirms all Alicia’s fears that her daughter
will never grow up, really.
Alicia indulges her daughter, keeps her child-like and
therefore dependent. Chloe weighs more than Alicia, who vaguely thinks about
introducing a healthier diet, though she never seems to get around to it. Reluctantly,
Alicia allows Chloe to attend a church day care (instead of volunteering or
getting a job) and does crafts. Alicia hovers, following the bus to the church
in her car, even showing up to sit at the back of the room, much to Chloe’s
disgust. To her credit, Alicia worries that she might be too overprotective and
discusses it with a therapist. Turns out, she and Chloe have been seeing a
psychologist once a month for years because “it was my duty, as a parent, to
see that Chloe got counseling.”
When Chloe meets Thomas Elden, she immediately develops a girlish
crush and soon insists on getting married. There is no sexuality education, no
real preparation for an adult relationship. Allowing Thomas to come over so
they can watch Disney movies and kiss each other seems to be the biggest
initial concession Alicia makes in “allowing” Chloe to have this relationship.
When Chloe says she wants to get married “just like Beauty and the Beast,” maybe that would have been a clue for Mom to
get some serious education started. Why it hasn’t happened yet is beyond me;
Chloe is 26 for heaven’s sake. She searches the Internet for information on
“sex and the mentally handicapped.” When Randall suggests “we need to accept
that our daughter is maturing and she needs to be taught the aspects of adult
sexuality,” Alicia feels he has no grasp on reality. “I’m willing to let her
spread her wings,” she tells him (I seriously doubt that) and goes on to say, “But
it’s my job to make sure she doesn’t fly to close to the sun.” Wow, talk about
taking the moral high road.
Got to give it to Chloe, she persists in snagging Thomas and
insisting she get married. The birth control happened, as far as I can tell,
because Alicia was terrified that she
would have to parent a child with disabilities, as if that was a forgone
conclusion. The first doctor they visit (Thomas is not included in this) says
he doesn’t want to prescribe birth control to someone who doesn’t seem to understand.
Instead of seeing the opportunity to better educate Chloe (and presumably
Thomas) not just about sex, but about relationships, the basis for all
socio-sexuality education, she screams at the doctor about how catastrophic it
would be for Chloe to get pregnant by her “mentally handicapped husband!” She
makes a point to chastise the doctor by informing him that her title is also
“Doctor.” Never mind that she teaches literature. Alicia says Chloe can barely
manage the simplest of self-care, and still hands over birth control pills with
minimal instruction. She just checks the pillbox to see if the daily dose has
been taken. Spoiler: turns out
Thomas was “eating” them.
In short, I found Alicia’s character to be someone who,
instead of really working to help her daughter become a more mature,
responsible adult, seems to relish her martyrdom. No one understands. No one
loves Chloe more. Chloe’s father was a big disappointment (“I don’t think Chloe
misses her dad; she certainly misses the chicken and fries.”) She feels the
boyfriend’s parents are in “some incredible land of denial” about their son’s
disability, “a place I wish I could go, if only for a visit.” Wow, again.
Thomas turns out to be a mama’s boy and a dud as a husband.
Conveniently, they move away, take Thomas with them and give up all paternal
rights before Chloe’s baby is born. They don’t even send Christmas presents.
Leaving Alicia to deal with everything…yet again.
“I realized then, that I’m strong. I never thought I was…I come to the full
realization of my strength. I’m fifty-three. Young. I can take care of this
baby and my daughter. We don’t need
Thomas. We don’t need the Eldens. We don’t even need Randall.” On the other
hand, she finds several online networks “dealing with parenting the mentally
challenged” so she doesn’t have to “feel as alone as I did the first time
around” and she laments being the only one who has to make “life and death
decisions about Chloe all the time.”
Big spoiler alert—I
stumbled across this as I read the publisher’s media release, so don’t read
that either if you’re not ready to find out! After Chloe and Thomas’ marriage ultimately
descends into spoiled brat pushing and hitting matches over whether to watch Aladdin or Toy Story (what a surprise),
Alicia makes another ‘factoid’ statement about people who support marriage between
people with disabilities: they simply don't understand the ramifications, not
like she does. They forget “the practicalities.” She underscores that when
Chloe gives birth, is suddenly only concerned with having a drink of Gatorade.
She doesn’t even want to hold the baby, something I found unbelievable. Of
course, Alicia holds the newborn and expresses desperate relief that the baby
doesn’t have disabilities, too. Moments later, in the ultimate martyr development,
Chloe dies. Yep. And remember how Alicia still “ached” for that first perfect
baby she terminated? Well, Chloe leaves Alicia with “my baby” who already
“scored a perfect ten on his APGAR” and showed “no evidence of mental
retardation.” Eventually, as in all good fairy tales, Alicia gets a “healthy
baby boy” and remember Mark, the hunky plumber? The three of them live happily
ever after with, undoubtedly, sweet sad memories of her “Down syndrome
daughter.”
I’ve said before, Colleen is a good writer; that’s not my
beef. This is a well-written piece of fiction with believable dialogue. There’s
action to propel the reader forward. She’s fleshed out the characters in nice
detail. But the morning after I finished this novel, I did my best time ever on
the elliptical as I worked out my frustrations with Alicia. But maybe the
author wanted to mess with my head. Maybe Colleen set out to create a martyred,
self-indulgent character with all the earmarks of Munchausen’s by Proxy who
doesn’t recognize or acknowledge what she’s doing. If so, she nailed it. But if
this character is somehow to be held up as a model of good parenting, that
scares me.
Chloe and Thomas’ marriage was doomed from the start. It
reminded me of teachers who poo-poo inclusion because “we tried it once and it
didn’t work.” Dropping a student with a disability into a classroom without
support rarely works; the same goes for relationships. Instead of helping her
daughter grow up, Alicia infantilized Chloe, and in so doing, made herself
forever needed and forever heroic in the eyes of others. The thing that scares
me most about this story is how easy it is for a parent of a son or daughter
with an intellectual disability to do that. If I ever do, please send Jin over
to give me a good shake.
(Karin Melberg Schwier is an author of several books about
people with disabilities; she co-authored Sexuality:
Your Sons and Daughters with Intellectual Disabilities with Dave
Hingsburger (Brookes Publishing, 2005) which was translated into German,
Italian and Korean. She lives in Saskatoon with husband Richard, a professor of
education, and Jim, an 18-year veteran volunteer with the YMCA, who celebrates
his 40th birthday in May. Jim has Down syndrome.)
Another story reinforcing stereotypes and outdated attitudes. Really, we need good stories, one day I might have the time, meanwhile, go on, someone, give us an alternative to this rubbish. Thanks for the review I will never read the book!
ReplyDeleteOn yikes! It sounds like stereotypes on steroids!
ReplyDeleteWow. Just wow.
ReplyDeleteAs a writer, I can think only of the missed opportunities you pointed out all through the plot.
And having Chloe die - that's child abuse by author. Yes, it could happen. With Chloe having that mother...?
I fail to see the point of this book - and no one reading it is going to say they really should read it again.
Your plot summary was consistent - it would be hard to say you've gotten the book wrong. After some reviews, I want to read the book. Not after this one.
Good job on the review - and I really wonder what the point to writing this book was.
Alicia (real name)
Wow! Before I got too far into the review, I thought it might be good to read as a "cautionary tale" on how NOT to parent. But now I think the book might only serve as a great workout motivator: "I did my best time ever on the elliptical as I worked out my frustrations with Alicia."
ReplyDeleteThank you for saving me the time and frustration of EVER reading that book!
Debbie, NJ
I read this review earlier this morning and have been thinking about it all morning.
ReplyDeleteThis has the potential to really harm people in the sense of influencing attitudes - especially of people who already hold some of these stereotypes or who don't know any better.
It is more than just a bad story. This book is a perpetrator of stereotypes and we who know the history know how damning and damaging stereotypes can be.
I too, would find this an annoying book--a journey into a family system that is sad and tormented. Who needs that? I'm screaming in sympathy! :)
ReplyDeleteSpot on Colleen!
ReplyDeleteIt's probably seen more often in kids with developmental disabilities but this kind of "parenting" happens in all kinds of disabilities.
ReplyDeleteI've seen any number of control-freak parents who've used their child's medical problem as a way to infantilize the child and gain their own sense of empowerment.
Fastest way to lose a friend who does this with her kids is to suggest she turn a 17 year-old's medication regime over to them. One friend down.
Good call-out on the book, a nausea-inducing manual on how not to parent.
OH GOD. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteMakes me wish for a sequel - the book on how Thomas gets away from his own overprotective parents and makes an adult life, with proper support, making and learning from his own mistakes.
ReplyDelete... and at some point wants to know what has happened to his old love, Chloe. Maybe he interests a cop friend?
So glad you posted this review, and so sad that this kind of book is still being published.
My *wife* just listened to me read her this review! and has offered the following (sarcastic) insight:
ReplyDelete"No, you're missing the subtle point: it's a horror story, about Chloe's lifelong imprisonment, abuse, and eventual exploitation and murder at the hands of the one she most trusted...::shiver::"