Monday, April 30, 2012

Dave's Mad

My feelings got hurt.

Really, deeply, hurt.

The kind of hurt that's deep because it's done by someone who calls me 'friend'.

It's way to personal to tell you what happened. But here's the thing. I had choices.

1) I could be forgiving.

2) I could turn the other cheek.

3) I could 'be the bigger man'.

Yep.

I had choices.

And I chose to be ...

1) petty.

2) angry.

3) unforgiving.

And here's the absolute truth. I'm OK with that. I do try to be the kind of person who is kind. I do try to be open to forgiveness. I do try to see my own role in my own wounding. I do. And all of those things are the kind of attributes I want to have, aspects of the person I want to be.

But.

Not all the time.

I learned, when I felt the knife cut deep into my heart, again, how much betrayal hurts. I learned, when I understood just how I have been played for a fool, how good nature can leave one vulnerable. I learned, when the realization fully hit, that there are actions which have real consequences. And that sometimes that consequence is that I am changed - in my feelings, in my relationships and in my willingness to 'give a little more'.

Now I'm getting looks like 'what's the big deal - I've only done to you what you've let me do to you for a very long time?' I'm getting those sideways glances that say, 'come on, this is the dance we dance, why not dance it once more time.'

And though I hear the music, I'm not tapping my foot to the tune.

Here's the thing.

Sometimes taking care of self, sometimes being safe ... means saying goodbye.

A truth that becomes hidden under lies, and threats, and fears, is that we all have the ultimate power in our relationships with others. The Power of Goodbye is both complete and absolute. I forget that when, now and again, I get enmeshed in a relationship that isn't about reciprocity but about abuse of trust.

So, I'm hurt.

Both by the realization of what's been going on for so long and by how I'd been duped because of my affections. While I've stood up and taught people abuse prevention skills, I've been completely allowing it to happen - unchallenged.

So I've given myself permission ot be ...

1) petty

2) angry

3) unforgiving.

And I'm OK with that, because that' exactly what it's going to take to become OK again.

11 comments:

Kimberly said...

Not allowing someone to hurt you again isn't unforgiving, petty, or angry, it's smart. You can be unforgiving, petty, angry and still not let them hurt you again, but it's better than allowing that sort of thing to occur over and over again. I do hope you get to the point of not being angry, petty, and unforgiving (for yourself and not the perpetrator) and keep them from hurting you again, too.

Anonymous said...

We all make choices. If this is your choice - then it is right for you. You are the one living with the pain and you are the one that will live with the consequences of your choices. That is the power of choice.

Personally - I find betrayal one of the most hurtful things that can be done. It cuts to the core and undermines so many values.

Perhaps forgiveness will come - and a cheek will be turned - and you will be a bigger man for it all - perhaps. (Just remember unforgiveness is a poison we take hoping to hurt the other person.)

I hope the heartache fades - and the trust returns. Not everyone is out to hurt - look at the support and love you have Dave.

Take care.

Kristin said...

I am so sorry you've been hurt. I'm even sorrier that hurt came by betrayal. That is the kind of hurt that stings the worst.

Know that there are people out here who love you and what you stand for, even if we've never met in person.

Anonymous said...

Life lesson from an old woman - not forgiving is a terrible burden to carry around. It's not forgetting that will leave you vulnerable the next time. The two are very different!

Becca said...

Dave, it's such a relief to read this from you. Not that you got hurt - about that I am terribly sorry, and I hope whoever hurt you is too - but to learn that you haven't proscribed those emotions for yourself, and that you can acknowledge so openly that they are not only normal and natural reactions to hurt, they're also sometimes the RIGHT reactions.

I was badly hurt by someone (in word and deed, not flesh) many years ago. I decided then that I didn't need to have them in my life and while some forced closeness hasn't permitted a permanent divide, I have not and will not return to trusting them. I can't - if I got another dose of what happened last time I'm a little bit afraid it might make me never trust anybody again.

Anonymous said...

Dear Dave,

First I am so sorry for your hurt.
I have ironically this weekend suffered heartbreak. I would like your permission to use some of your words to express myself to that person. It is so hard for me to stop the hurt. And it has been going on a loooong time, and by family. Bless you and your words Dave, I learn so much from them. Thank you so much

Tamara said...

People post little sayings on Facebook constantly, and most of the time I just ignore them because they're generally too sappy or just not really true when you think about them!

But, this weekend someone posted this: "God often removes a person from your life for your protection. Think about that before you go running after them."

I've not only not run after people in the past, but I've walked away from them.

I'm glad that you're doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. I generally do work on forgiving them, for myself - not them. But that comes with time. I have to be able to forgive without bringing them back into a relationship of trust. Until them, I prefer to stay petty, angry and unforgiving ...

Anonymous said...

Dave,

i am sorry that you were betrayed. You never seem to me to be angry T people or mad lightly.

If you made the choice it might have been the only right one.

Sending you good thoughts and vibrations instead of the bad feeling you are expieriencing rit now.

Julia

Anonymous said...

Rage or be petty. It is your hurt, do with it as you will. Good piece of advice I was given when I was in a similar state, "Love him or hate him, he is still taking up WAY too much space in your head"
Be well.
Donna

wheeliecrone said...

Some friendships have a shelf-life, Dave. If you have no expectation that a person will ever treat you with some basic level of respect, then it is time to end the friendship. He/she is not behaving like a friend.
And, by the way, it will be no great loss. Whatever you may think now, that person does not meet your minimum standards for friendship.

wendy said...

Oh Dave, betrayal by someone you care about is one of the most painful experiences ever. Living with its aftermath can be like surviving a kind of natural disaster of the soul. Be whatever you feel the need to be. I'm so sorry.