Dave's Mad

My feelings got hurt.

Really, deeply, hurt.

The kind of hurt that's deep because it's done by someone who calls me 'friend'.

It's way to personal to tell you what happened. But here's the thing. I had choices.

1) I could be forgiving.

2) I could turn the other cheek.

3) I could 'be the bigger man'.

Yep.

I had choices.

And I chose to be ...

1) petty.

2) angry.

3) unforgiving.

And here's the absolute truth. I'm OK with that. I do try to be the kind of person who is kind. I do try to be open to forgiveness. I do try to see my own role in my own wounding. I do. And all of those things are the kind of attributes I want to have, aspects of the person I want to be.

But.

Not all the time.

I learned, when I felt the knife cut deep into my heart, again, how much betrayal hurts. I learned, when I understood just how I have been played for a fool, how good nature can leave one vulnerable. I learned, when the realization fully hit, that there are actions which have real consequences. And that sometimes that consequence is that I am changed - in my feelings, in my relationships and in my willingness to 'give a little more'.

Now I'm getting looks like 'what's the big deal - I've only done to you what you've let me do to you for a very long time?' I'm getting those sideways glances that say, 'come on, this is the dance we dance, why not dance it once more time.'

And though I hear the music, I'm not tapping my foot to the tune.

Here's the thing.

Sometimes taking care of self, sometimes being safe ... means saying goodbye.

A truth that becomes hidden under lies, and threats, and fears, is that we all have the ultimate power in our relationships with others. The Power of Goodbye is both complete and absolute. I forget that when, now and again, I get enmeshed in a relationship that isn't about reciprocity but about abuse of trust.

So, I'm hurt.

Both by the realization of what's been going on for so long and by how I'd been duped because of my affections. While I've stood up and taught people abuse prevention skills, I've been completely allowing it to happen - unchallenged.

So I've given myself permission ot be ...

1) petty

2) angry

3) unforgiving.

And I'm OK with that, because that' exactly what it's going to take to become OK again.