I'm a good person.
At least I think I am.
I'm a good person.
At least I try to be.
And yet, I keep making mistakes that hurt others. Never on purpose. Or, more fairly, rarely on purpose. I thought that as I got older the better I would understand human relationships. This hasn't happened in the way I thought it would.
The difference between me now, as an adult, and me then, as a youngster, is simple. Then I thought I was always the victim. Now, I understand my role in the damage caused to relationships. I just can't stop it.
I still make stupid mistakes that I shouldn't make. I still say stupid things that I think are funny, and are but aren't at the same time. I still forget to say things that I don't think are important but then, really are.
I want to be 'the guy' who learns from his mistakes rather than the guy who keeps repeating them. But I'm not. Sometimes I look in wonder at others in my world and they all seem so competent, so at ease with relationships. I envy them. That is until I talk to them and discover that they, too, hurt too often and feel hurt to easily. It's kind of part of the human condition. I don't want it to be.
I want to be a good person.
And I'm going to keep making mistakes until I finally get it.
Hurt less.
Feel hurt less.
Grow up.
Until then let me say, I'm trying (and there are those now nodding thinking 'now there's the truth') but really I am.
One day I will be an adult.
And that adult will be the nice person that I wanted to be all along.
So patience please
I'm glad you realize that those competent looking/acting people are also struggling....they just have a smoother persona.
ReplyDeleteDon't have any wise words. I too have struggles wishing to truly be wise and then to act accordingly. This may not be what you want/need to hear ....I'm thankful that you aren't perfectly evolved......not that I want you to hurt others but the people who I look to for ideas, ways that are better or to share my short comings, are real and make mistakes and are very human and keep working to reconsider.
The wheeliecrone says -
ReplyDeleteThe thing about being human, Dave, is fallibility. Imperfection. I find that the best I have been able to do is to improve the quality of my mistakes.
You are doing as much as anyone can do, Dave - you recognise your errors, you try to change you behaviour. I bet that you often succeed. Your failures are the things that teach you lessons. And neither you nor I will ever be perfect.
Me too! You said it well!
ReplyDeleteI admire that you are always, constantly striving to do better in how you deal with other people. So many of us tend to freeze at a certain stage in development and don't stop to think that there is always a way to do a little better than we have done today or yesterday. But you, precisely because you are never content with the way you are now, keep reaching to be better ... and I think precisely because you put your personal goals a little higher than most people do, you achieve more than most even if your grasp still falls a little short of your own personal ideal.
ReplyDeleteI babble a lot (and even organize a little) about diversity - in my case specifically in open source software :-) but it's applicable to other walks of life.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I say is that folks have to be willing to say something they're afraid is "bad," the things that we think and wonder, "Is this racist/sexist/ableist/ageist/etc ?"
Sometimes you have to stick your foot in your mouth to learn and grow.
It's not, mind you, the same as those who intentionally say *ist things and then say, "I want to learn from this!" over and over and over again.
But sometimes it's ok to call out differences. Sometimes it's ok to mention things. Sometimes it's not, and the only way to figure out what is which is to try it and learn from it.
I believe if we don't risk making mistakes, we don't risk trying to grow.
I find myself bumbling and blundering my way through relationships without the finesse/kindness/wisdom I would have hoped to have at this stage in my life. It would be easy to retreat to remoteness, but who wants that? And the closer I get to people and the closer they get to me, the more our broken and rough patches show and rub against one another.People are messy--we are messy. Getting into the mess of it all has great rewards when a friendship reaches new levels of understanding and determination to love in spite of it all.
ReplyDeleteI'm just catching up after a few days "away"...
ReplyDeleteI didn't notice you inside my head when you wrote this post? How'd you DO that??!!!
Constantly evolving...
ReplyDeleteSo awesome to read your post! i love that you and many people all over the world are contemplating "goodness" more and more all the time. what a healthy thing to think about!! Fact is we are all obviously not perfect in any way. I have hurt people that i believe i love. What is with that? two things can be the cause, either i am "bad" and "evil" or I've misinterpreted what it means to love. i find the latter to be true. Being Good and Loving means seeing others as Good and Loving. and when we understand that we are truly good, we start to see it in others as well. Believe me, when we see others in this new beautiful Light, we naturally are drawn to treat them and ourselves beautifully and lovingly. they are naturally drawn to treat us and themselves with love and respect. Goodness can be taught and learned at the same time. but it takes courage to look past our "shortcomings" and understand that it is only a thin vale over our eyes, briefly hiding our true loving nature :) Expose the goodness in others! and watch these loved ones become happier, healthier, and more understanding of the human condition. there is nothing to lose, and everything to gain :) k done ranting now haha,and thank you for the great honest post <3
ReplyDelete