Ruby is being bullied at school.
She is only 4.
This is pre kindergarten.
The bullying was discovered because she asked her dad, 'am I ugly daddy?' Mike was surprised at the question because Ruby doesn't tend to think of her attractiveness very often. He said, 'no, you are very pretty, why?' She then told him, as if she was confessing something wrong, that another girl at school whispers to her that she is ugly and that she should just shut up because ugly girls shouldn't talk.
Despite the fact that we do live in a world where people believe, on the whole, that ugly people shouldn't talk ... I was so angry that my spit dried up in my mouth. I could barely speak.
So Ruby was given some strategies to deal with the bullying, some ways to think about it and was encouraged to talk about it if it keeps happening. Moreover she was reassured about who she was and about how she was seen by the world.
She's four.
Four.
I knew going in that Ruby was going to face a social world wherein meanness would be part of her experience. But it would have been nice if she'd made it more than 5 weeks before having to deal with what's worst in human nature.
Four.
Ruby is used to getting cards from us in the mail. I'm going to cut this blog short because right now I've stopped everything to write a little story for Ruby that I want to go in the mail tomorrow.
It's called: Ruby And The Bully
It's about a little girl named Ruby who learns about teasing and bullying, about self worth, about hurtful people and about the 'magic words' that little girls can say. These magic words knit together to form an invisible shield so that mean words are powerless to get through.
I know it works.
I use the magic words often - they are surprisingly effective for me a big guy in a wheelchair so I'm sure they can protect a little girl who is, for heaven's sake, four.
How incrdibly sad that some four-year old classmate was taught to hate others. At age four kids usually don't catagorize others into groups unless specifically taught to do so by others.
ReplyDeleteThere is a big chance that the child who said this to Ruby has verbally abusive adults in HER life. How sad, also.....
The idea of a story is tremendous.
Another good tool might be acting out with puppets.
It is mawful that someone is bullied at school. Even worse when it is someone who is only 4. There is nothing right about this situation but at least Ruby spoke to someone about it and there are people in her life that love her and can give her stratagies to deal with it. I hope someone spoke to the school as well because it is something that needs to be dealt with school wide as well as just with Ruby and the bully. The story is a great idea Dave and so are the puppets. Take care and I am thinking of all of you who are dealing with this. Unfortunately I was an adult before I could deal with the bullies effectively and not let them undermine who I was
ReplyDeleteI went to a workshop years ago about bullying, and one of the prek teachers said she could see it starting at age 3.
ReplyDeleteIt's so sad. I'm just so happy that Ruby talked about it. It's so hard when your kids don't talk about it.
Ruby is blessed to live in a world where she can talk to her parents about such a terrible "secret." In addition to the story, puppet acting (all great) I hope that Mike will consider talking to the teacher. This is a serious problem and has terrible potential for additional underlying problems! The most responsible adult in the room (teacher) needs to be aware that it is happening!
ReplyDeleteGod love that little mite - and such a beauty!!!!
Sigh. This world really sucks. I think I understand why some people have such a hard time getting up in the morning... so much bullshit...
ReplyDeleteand you don't have to be "different" (i.e. gay, disabled) to experience it!
My thoughts are with you Ruby!
So good that Ruby has parents and friends like you that she can talk to about this. So troubling that the other 4-year-old thinks whispering to someone else that they're ugly is a good idea. This morning I'm wondering who told the other little girl that ugly girls shouldn't talk. I'm hoping she gets help and support, too. I wonder if she thinks SHE is ugly?
ReplyDeleteThe wheeliecrone says -
ReplyDelete"You've got to be taught to hate and fear,
You've got to be taught from year to year,
It's got to be drummed in your dear little ear,
You've got to be carefully taught."
If gorgeous 4 year old Ruby is being bullied, thank heavens that she has a loving supportive family and an Uncle Dave who will give her the tools and the magic words to counterract bullying.
The bully learned that behaviour somewhere. I do not believe that children are born knowing how to behave in an abusive manner. They have to be taught.
Fortunately for Ruby, she is in a family where positive, affirming lessons are being taught. That is the only ray of sunshine in your story, Dave.
oh man. now i need to think about how i can apply this to my 4 yr old with ds who is also in kindergarten (full integration) - if she were even able to communicate such a thing to me. ruby's so lucky to have ypu in her life.
ReplyDeleteIt always amazes me that the capacity for meaness exists in very young children. It shouldn't, I guess, but it does. I'm so glad Ruby talked to someone about what was happening, especially given that she seemed to feel she was the one who had done something wrong. Poor kid. I'm sure she's wrapping herself tight in your magic words.
ReplyDeleteThat makes me so mad. It's a good thing that Ruby has a great family that will be all over this like white on rice. A lot of people would just tell their kid, "Don't pay any attention to her, just ignore it, " and treat it like no big deal.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine is a school administrator, and one boy in the school had his clothes stolen out of his locker during gym class. . . three times. My friend called the parents of all 40 boys who are in the locker room during that period, and she doesn't know if it will do any good. Stories like these are so frustrating.
This from my cousin's 4 yr old son Ryley:
ReplyDelete'When you get your feelings hurt, it feels like a cat crawls into your throat and bites your heart'
so glad Ruby has adults who love and listen and guide.
No child or adult should experience this for any reason.
I am so sad to hear that Ruby has encountered this already. I wish I could offer some words of encouragement, but you already know the reality of bullying in schools, and the bullying that goes on between girls is just plain scary and mean.
ReplyDeleteI have noticed that girls, like Ruby, who are kind and compassionate can be particular targets for bullies. We tend to think of kids who are perceived as vulnerable as the targets, and that is often the case but those who don't "fall into line" with those who like to scorn and torment others are a threat to bullies and so they get it too.
A friend just sent this link to all of her friends with daughters. It is very powerful commentary on "pretty." It isn't suitable for four year old viewing but as the mother of 11 and 13 year old girls, it has given me a lot to think about this morning.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6wJl37N9C0
What are the magic words? I'd dearly love to know!
ReplyDeleteWhat are the magic words? I'd love to know!
ReplyDeleteDear Dave:
ReplyDeleteI have to wonder where a kindergarten child learns to hurt others like that. It is awful that Ruby (who is a gorgeous child!) was the target of her venom. And awful that the bully has learned venom at such a young age. Carefully taught indeed - but also a target or a witness.
The story is a great idea! Ruby seems to be such a creative spirit - perhaps she can add to the story or make one herself.
I think it is hard to see a child you love hurt. So Dave, may Ruby's healing be your healing too. I am confident that she will be okay - she is surrounded by loving family.
Colleen
Re the people who believe that meanness necessarily needs to be taught:
ReplyDeleteSad to say, I'm not sure that's true. Certainly meanness CAN be taught ... just as kindness ALSO can be taught. But I think that sometimes meanness can be taught by accident.
A while ago--I can't remember now where it was, maybe in the Washington Post newspaper, or maybe in some news magazine--I read a story about a study that had been done on the effectivness of programs trying to teach young children about race, what race means etc. They found that the most effective approach to preventing racist sentiment was simply to talk about race with kids from a young age. Because if you don't talk about race, if you just pretend that we're all essentially the same in every regard, then apparently kids end up getting the opposite message. Because kids DO notice difference from a very very young age. If adults ACKNOWLEDGE the differences that they already notice, or even point out the differences, and explain that yes, people are all different, some of us have dark skin some of us have light skin or somewhere in between some are male some are female some are thin or overweight some good in math or not so good in math ... some of us walk on feet, others of us roll instead of walking, some of us talk and some of us sign ... then kids are more likely to grow up comfortable and accepting of these differences.
But some parents are so afraid of saying the wrong thing in relation to race that they hesitate to raise the topic with their child. Or they just assume the child hasn't noticed difference yet because they haven't raised any questions. Or they may even fear that bringing attention to difference will itself create negative attutides toward difference.
But if a child already notices difference anyway--and often they do--and yet never hear any messages about these differences, then they may get the sense that it is somehow wrong or bad to talk about difference. And for some kids they may assume that means difference, in and of itself, is a bad thing ... or else, why wouldn't people already be talking about it?
So sometimes a child can be taught "meanness" or "intolerance" ... simply by not being formally "taught", at all, about kindness or tolerance. Talking about difference does not automatically create negative attitudes. But failing to talk about it, acknowledge it, be honest about it, etc. ... in at least some cases, often does create the exact same negative attitudes that parents didn't want to teach them.
I think it is very tempting for us adults to want to believe that children are just automatically, inherently kind and cannot possibly generate cruelty on their on. We want to believe in an age of innocence. We want to believe that people are innately driven to goodness and kindness. I'm not claiming that we are automatically driven to cruelty any more than we are necessarily driven to kindness. I do think most of us innately WANT to be kind. But not all of us innately know HOW to be kind. And THAT is what must be taught or else children may stumble into meanness through sheer ignorance.
Andrea S.
I wish I knew how kids end up with such attitudes or a desire to hurt others.
ReplyDeleteI am glad Ruby has you though and parents she will talk to who can fill her with the confidence that she is not ugly, she is a beautiful little girl and can talk.
And they sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me - such rubbish. Hope Ruby wins through.
I am so sorry Ruby is dealing with that crap already. Bullying is what caused me to pull my oldest out of middle school and to homeschool him instead. I am so glad Ruby has someone like you in her life to help her learn to deal with bullies.
ReplyDeleteThis story brought tears to my eyes. How in the world can children be so cruel at SUCH a young age?! I love your response... to write her a story just for her. It is a beautiful reaction to an ugly situation.
ReplyDeleteI also wonder where the other little girl heard that comment. Such a sad cycle. :(
ReplyDeleteSadly, it's almost a certainty these days that a child will have to face a bully at some point in their educational journey. That it has happened so early to Ruby, is tragic. There may be a tiny bright spot in this, though. With the enormous amount of love and support that Ruby has, she will overcome. And while she's doing it, many other little eyes will be watching her, taking it all in, learning. None of us wants our kids to be singled out for something so hurtful, but perhaps as Ruby deals with the bully in an appropriate and successful manner, others will learn from her actions. Before long, it will be the bully that will have to change if they are to have any companions at all. To Ruby: Honey, you ARE beautiful, and smart. And just like lots of people want to know what your special Dave has to say on his blog every day, people want to know what YOU have to say. Because only Dave can say special 'Dave words', and only Ruby can say special 'Ruby words'. We all have our special words that we need to share. Maybe this person doesn't know that yet, but they'll learn. In the meantime, never be afraid to speak up, because you never know who might need a special 'Ruby' word to make their day better!
ReplyDeleteI was four when I was first bullied.
ReplyDeletePreschool. I don't remember what caused it. I just know wherever I went, people shoved me away or told me or each other that I was not welcome. Anywhere. Anywhere I went that other people were, they'd shove me away, sometimes several of them. One girl was nice to me until another girl walked her up to me and told her to say "I don't like you," so she said "I don't like you" and I never saw her again. This was before I understood much language if any, but I could still sense something was very wrong. I didn't consciously connect it to other kids, or understand anything of why or what it all meant, but it still hurt, and it must have wound its way into my self-concept because the few times in my life that I've felt truly welcomed anywhere I cried from joy, and I had a lifelong pattern of putting up with bullying for the sake of being called "friend" in name only. I've felt welcome in objects and wind and other things most people call inanimate but I've always felt were alive like anything else. I've felt welcome among cats. But it took most of my life before I could ever believe I was welcome among humans.
I never had the chance to be given the ways of coping with bullying that you're teaching Ruby. I didn't understand enough language until I was old enough that I'd developed a defensive posture of lashing out before anyone else could lash out at me, and later simply using an even older tactic of merging with objects and becoming oblivious while people played games with my body. Rocks and cats were my friends, and they make wonderful friends, they're not second-best to humans, but still, humans should have the opportunity to have human friends.. By the time I made a real human friend I called her an "exception", because friends were people I was afraid of, people who liked to wait for my most vulnerable moments and mess with my head. After enough vulnerabl moments passed with these new friends and none of them hurt me, I jettisoned my false friends as fast as humanly possible.
I know this is about Ruby, not about me. But it all just came flooding back. I want Ruby to know a better life growing up than I did, than you did, than most of us who were bullied from that young did. I also hate to think about the fact that if Ruby understood as little as I did at her age, she might not have been able to use those strategies. I keep thinking there has to be a way to make it better for kids who have major comprehension trouble.
Sorry to respond so late, but I've been pretty sick (still am, but have had the chance to catch up on my reading).
Bullying started when I was four, too. Maybe three. I always get the ages between two and four confused, sometimes I just say one number when I mean another.
ReplyDeleteI didn't understand the words people used back then. I just knew that in preschool, if I went anywhere that happened to have children in it, they'd find ways of shoving me away. Usually by physical force. There was one girl who was nice to me, but one day another girl marched her up to me and made her repeat the words "I don't like you" to me. I never saw her again. I didn't understand the words but I could sense the hostility and cruelty. I had no sense of cause and effect so I just kept getting into the situations and having no clue I could avoid them (although I almost never tried to interact with anyone or let them interact with me -- I didn't even really notice that it was the places where there were kids, I just knew I'd wander around and suddenly hands would shove me away).
Unfortunately the same thing that prevented me from understanding the words people used, prevented me from telling anyone, and prevented me from being able to understand any strategies anyone might have told me. By the time I was old enough to understand the words people used to tell me how to deal with bullying, I'd already become defensive in the lash out at them before they can hurt me way. I also used one of my oldest skills, merging with objects so that I couldn't feel what people did to me (which only made them more violent to try to see how far they could go to get a reaction). Once I started interacting with people I developed a lifelong habit of putting up with bullying as long as the bullies pretended to be my friends.
I was an adult before I had real human friends (well I had one before then but I wasn't in a position to reciprocate until I was an adult). I remember at vulnerable moments waiting for these real friends to hurt me. When they didn't, the lightbulb finally went off in my head and I proceeded to jettison the bully-friends as fast as I could. But all this has meant that when a human has made me feel welcome, I cried with joy, because it so rarely happened. I had always felt welcome among "inanimate" objects (I still see them as animate in their own way, not an anthropomorphized way, but as what they are), and among cats. But humans took a long time to show me that kind of welcome.
I know this is about Ruby, not me, but that all came flooding back when you talked about what happened to her. I want her to have a better childhood than I did or you did or half the people I know did. She already has two things going for her -- she has known love since an early age, and she understands enough language to put to use the strategies you talk about. I hope that's enough. I wish there was a way to protect the kids like I was and too many of my friends were, who either lacked the language comprehension to understand strategies or the language production to report bullying, if not both. But we've all survived, although too many people don't.
Be sure to tell Ruby she's not alone. And tell her that friends come in all forms, whether human or animal or supposedly inanimate. Tell her she has a place in the world and that the world knows this even if some people try to confuse her and convince her otherwise. Those are the things that get me through. The bullying has never stopped for me, it continues to this day, but I know something the bullies can't comprehend. I know that the world has a place for each of us. And that being in that place means more about love and about life than any bully could ever take away no matter how much they try. It's important to have these things that counter the bully's message, that replace it with a message of love and joy.
(Sorry I didn't respond earlier, but I've been very sick and haven't been reading much of my blog reader until today.)
Bullying started when I was four, too. Maybe three. I always get the ages between two and four confused, sometimes I just say one number when I mean another.
ReplyDeleteI didn't understand the words people used back then. I just knew that in preschool, if I went anywhere that happened to have children in it, they'd find ways of shoving me away. Usually by physical force. There was one girl who was nice to me, but one day another girl marched her up to me and made her repeat the words "I don't like you" to me. I never saw her again. I didn't understand the words but I could sense the hostility and cruelty. I had no sense of cause and effect so I just kept getting into the situations and having no clue I could avoid them (although I almost never tried to interact with anyone or let them interact with me -- I didn't even really notice that it was the places where there were kids, I just knew I'd wander around and suddenly hands would shove me away).
Unfortunately the same thing that prevented me from understanding the words people used, prevented me from telling anyone, and prevented me from being able to understand any strategies anyone might have told me. By the time I was old enough to understand the words people used to tell me how to deal with bullying, I'd already become defensive in the lash out at them before they can hurt me way. I also used one of my oldest skills, merging with objects so that I couldn't feel what people did to me (which only made them more violent to try to see how far they could go to get a reaction). Once I started interacting with people I developed a lifelong habit of putting up with bullying as long as the bullies pretended to be my friends.
(cont'd)
I was an adult before I had real human friends (well I had one before then but I wasn't in a position to reciprocate until I was an adult). I remember at vulnerable moments waiting for these real friends to hurt me. When they didn't, the lightbulb finally went off in my head and I proceeded to jettison the bully-friends as fast as I could. But all this has meant that when a human has made me feel welcome, I cried with joy, because it so rarely happened. I had always felt welcome among "inanimate" objects (I still see them as animate in their own way, not an anthropomorphized way, but as what they are), and among cats. But humans took a long time to show me that kind of welcome.
ReplyDeleteI know this is about Ruby, not me, but that all came flooding back when you talked about what happened to her. I want her to have a better childhood than I did or you did or half the people I know did. She already has two things going for her -- she has known love since an early age, and she understands enough language to put to use the strategies you talk about. I hope that's enough. I wish there was a way to protect the kids like I was and too many of my friends were, who either lacked the language comprehension to understand strategies or the language production to report bullying, if not both. But we've all survived, although too many people don't.
Be sure to tell Ruby she's not alone. And tell her that friends come in all forms, whether human or animal or supposedly inanimate. Tell her she has a place in the world and that the world knows this even if some people try to confuse her and convince her otherwise. Those are the things that get me through. The bullying has never stopped for me, it continues to this day, but I know something the bullies can't comprehend. I know that the world has a place for each of us. And that being in that place means more about love and about life than any bully could ever take away no matter how much they try. It's important to have these things that counter the bully's message, that replace it with a message of love and joy.
(Sorry I didn't respond earlier, but I've been very sick and haven't been reading much of my blog reader until today.)