Thursday, August 30, 2007

Poison Pen

It started a few days ago. Joe and I had been getting complaints from people about how hard it was to track me down for consultations and lectures. I don't have a web page other than this one and for years just relied on word of mouth. But the complaints have become more frequent so we decided to put our business email address in the 'my profile' section of Blogger and direct inquiries to us that way. It seemed subtle and quite accessible. In fact we've recieved several 'finally tracked you down through your blog' kind of emails. A couple of old friends have done the same, it's been nice.

But, I'm now getting email, once or twice a day, every day, from someone who really, really doesn't like me. I picture my phantom emailer as male, Joe pictures a woman. Either way, I'm now getting 'who do you think you are' kind of emails. I want to respond by saying, 'I'm someone important enough for you to waste time writing to ...' but haven't said it until now.

The thing is, my anonymous penpal, has horrible spelling. I shouldn't comment on this becase spelling isn't a strong suit for me either as a result I have a dictionary that sits beside me and Joe is usually only a holler away, so I get by. Even so, my spelling ain't great, but these emails have spelling that's right odd.

Today, for example, the email intended to say, I think, that I was a 'deluded person' but instead my chere correspondant wrote that I was a 'diluted person.' This struck me as suddenly very funny. I laugh at the oddest things. But right then, that combination of words seemed both so odd and so profound at the same time.

I would guess that I am, indeed, deluded much of the time. I think we all are. I think we get through our days by convincing ourselves that the world is not tottering on the edge, that good will defeat evil, that what goes around comes around ... I even manage to delude myself into thinking that sometimes it matters that I'm here and doing what I'm doing. I thank that's called, Affirmation.

But I think my ghost writer is also right ... I am a diluted person. Partly because I don't think the world could take me full strength, but also partly because I do find that the stresses and strains of just getting through the days has me diluting my principles, watering down my ideas and disolving my convictions. I try so hard for that to NOT happen. But it does, in little ways and in big ways, it happens.

Part of the reason I pray is to regain ground that I've given up. To grab hold again the things that matter, the things that I believe. To recalibrate my vision to ensure that I'm locked on the right goal, not the expedient one. So, my faithful fan, you're right. I do delude myself. I do let my ideals become diluted. I forgive myself the former and fight against the latter.

And thank you. Really. Thank you. For reminding me to hold fast. To pray more often.

Though somehow, I don't think that this was your intent.

8 comments:

lina said...

Deluded or Diluted - I'll take you either way, and whether I agree or disagree - care for what you are speaking on or not, I feel the need to sign my name to my comments - somehow the whole anonymous (did I spell that right??) thing makes me wonder.
But back to my comment - I for one am glad you are whoever it is you think you are (most days anyway!)

Kei said...

I'm deluded right along with you Dave.
I love your response, but I wonder~ do you really feel that you've diluted your convictions and principles? Or is it more that you have opened yourself up to seeing another side of things which leave you less resolute to what you previously believed? If that's the case, you are obviously not diluted, but enriched.

Just a thought. :)

A.J. said...

I read your blog often and enjoy it immensely.

As a gay mom of a kid with Down Syndrome...I can relate. I'm sure I've been called things much worse than 'diluted'! Don't let it get you down. ;o)

Laura said...

Dave,

I was sad to read that this has happened to you, so felt the need to let you know how grateful I am that you to have enough courage and conviction to share your thoughts so openly on a daily basis. Your ideas and experiences help enrich the lives of so many people and are often ones that have a dynamic impact in creating positive change.

I have found that although often damaging to ones confidence and totally hurtful, the harsh words of others can help create more strength and personal growth, by offering an opportunity for self reflection. Even when the words are so far removed from the truth, the moments we spend checking can be useful.
I think you are fab and I thank God that the world has Dave it in.

Kimberley said...

Sorry to go totally off topic and to bring this horrific information to everyone.

http://mybignoise.blogspot.com/2007/08/diagnosis-murder.html

I am speechless

wendy said...

Dave,
I can only wonder what you have said to make this person think you are "diluted". You inspire me every single day. I think of you in my day to day interactions with the people I work with/for and in my dealings with "the community". If you are diluted perhaps it from raising the awareness concentration in the rest of us!

Natalia said...

Kimberly's link, better format: CLICK HERE. this is important.

if i can stop crying long enough to get back to the comic relief i meant to post before reading that link, perhaps your secret not-admirer is suffering from EGGCORNS.

Nicole said...

Oh how I learn from you. :) Thanks for teaching!