It started a few days ago. Joe and I had been getting complaints from people about how hard it was to track me down for consultations and lectures. I don't have a web page other than this one and for years just relied on word of mouth. But the complaints have become more frequent so we decided to put our business email address in the 'my profile' section of Blogger and direct inquiries to us that way. It seemed subtle and quite accessible. In fact we've recieved several 'finally tracked you down through your blog' kind of emails. A couple of old friends have done the same, it's been nice.
But, I'm now getting email, once or twice a day, every day, from someone who really, really doesn't like me. I picture my phantom emailer as male, Joe pictures a woman. Either way, I'm now getting 'who do you think you are' kind of emails. I want to respond by saying, 'I'm someone important enough for you to waste time writing to ...' but haven't said it until now.
The thing is, my anonymous penpal, has horrible spelling. I shouldn't comment on this becase spelling isn't a strong suit for me either as a result I have a dictionary that sits beside me and Joe is usually only a holler away, so I get by. Even so, my spelling ain't great, but these emails have spelling that's right odd.
Today, for example, the email intended to say, I think, that I was a 'deluded person' but instead my chere correspondant wrote that I was a 'diluted person.' This struck me as suddenly very funny. I laugh at the oddest things. But right then, that combination of words seemed both so odd and so profound at the same time.
I would guess that I am, indeed, deluded much of the time. I think we all are. I think we get through our days by convincing ourselves that the world is not tottering on the edge, that good will defeat evil, that what goes around comes around ... I even manage to delude myself into thinking that sometimes it matters that I'm here and doing what I'm doing. I thank that's called, Affirmation.
But I think my ghost writer is also right ... I am a diluted person. Partly because I don't think the world could take me full strength, but also partly because I do find that the stresses and strains of just getting through the days has me diluting my principles, watering down my ideas and disolving my convictions. I try so hard for that to NOT happen. But it does, in little ways and in big ways, it happens.
Part of the reason I pray is to regain ground that I've given up. To grab hold again the things that matter, the things that I believe. To recalibrate my vision to ensure that I'm locked on the right goal, not the expedient one. So, my faithful fan, you're right. I do delude myself. I do let my ideals become diluted. I forgive myself the former and fight against the latter.
And thank you. Really. Thank you. For reminding me to hold fast. To pray more often.
Though somehow, I don't think that this was your intent.