Computer Image

I'm not sure who my computer thinks I am.

It lets through these weird emails. Right now, I'm getting all this stuff about Irritable Bowel Syndrome - causes, treatment ideas and medications. I don't have IBS, not that I'm not often irritable and not that, now over 50, I don't find my bowels much more interesting than I did at 15, but I don't have a syndrome. Really. I don't.

And I don't need viagra. I know you don't need to hear about this, but my computer seems to think that I do. I get all these messages exhorting me to buy cheap viagra, or alternate viagra, or natural viagra. My computer seems inordinately interested in my private parts and my private life. I don't know where it gets these ideas, but it does.

Not to mention, I'm being stalked by a bunch of women with names like Tiffany and Brittany and Jennifer. They all want me. They beg me to write, send money. They say they really, really, really, want me. Some girl named Selma this morning told me that she was hot hot hot for me and that she was waitng, right now. Really, these women want a viagra using guy with irritable bowels ... they must set the bar really low these girls. But as much as I try to block them, it works for a while and then they're back.

I live a much more interesting life, it seems, in the mind of my computer than I do in real life. In real life I sit on the couch watching telly and eating barbeque'd pizza (if you've never had it you haven't lived) and occasionally gossiping on the phone. I go absolute days without thinking, once, about Tiffany, or viagra, or blessed be, my bowels.

But today the computer let through a new batch of emails. About planning funerals. Does my computer know something? Is it hinting at me? What is going on? Do I have to start worry about heaven being ramped ... and please don't give me that 'there are none with disabilities in heaven' stuff. I don't buy it. I'm just assuming that heaven will be fully accessible - I don't want to be disuaded of this. But the emails aren't about heaven, they are about coffins and plots and buying a plan so that my 'loved ones' need not bear the burden of my death. Um, I kind of want them too ... not financially of course ... but emotionally, yeah, I'd like at least a little upset.

I've blocked these emails. And truthfully, I think I'd rather the viagra emails. They at least think that I've got something to live for ... or hope for. But as for Tiffany, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let her down. She is just so ... so ... not my type.