"Do you have to? All the time? Do you have to?"
We were in the midst of a full fledged fight. I'd like to call it an arguement but in fact it was a fight. I had just taken on a parking lot attendant who had refused to let us check and see if there was any disabled parking left - instead they were sending us to a lot blocks away. I won, we got in and found parking.
I could tell by the edge in Joe's voice that he was upset.
I thought he'd be glad, we were parking so much closer. It would be easier on him to because I need his help and he'd have had to push me a long way.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
Never ask "what's wrong" unless you are ready to hear it. Ready for a fight.
"Why can't you just leave things alone sometimes. Why do you always have to be so difficult? Over every little thing."
Joe is a nice guy. Doesn't like to cause problems. He likes to laugh. He is easy going. He doesn't take life too seriously. In other words he is so 'not me'.
So I got mad right back. That's always the best way to respond to criticism, I find.
"Because I have to. I've been like this my whole life. I don't like it when people don't listen to me. I don't like it when people don't bend."
"But you don't."
OK now I was mad. Really mad. We snitted at each other till we arrived at the meet point and waiting for our friends to arrive. We don't ever fight in front of others so we smiled when they got there and then minutes later we were both having fun, with them, with each other and we each knew the fight was over.
But it's three o'clock in the morning, I'm at the computer only because I need to shut it down. A storm is whirling about outside and the power is flickering on and off. I decided to try to write this blog before shutting the computer down.
Don't think about things at three in the morning. It's harder to self-delude at three in the morning. At three in the morning you might think that maybe sometimes you are 'in the wrong'.
So I think the best thing is just to quit writing. Tell myself that I'd better publish this now before the next power outage. Don't want to go too far into this 'do I use my disability sometimes to play the role of righteous victim' thinking. Don't want to tred that path.
Cause it's three o'clock in the morning and by seven, I'll be myself again.
2 comments:
Phew - that was a scary journey - wow, thank God you turned off that computer - and to Saint Joe (aren't we all lucky to have someone in our lives who makes us face 'us'!).
I can't stop giggling at that one - perhaps a rule for you is no more writing between the hours of 2am and 4:30am (to be on the safe side!).
thanks for making me laugh - again.
Dear Dave-If you didn't "use your disability to play the righteous victim" you'd only use something else.We all use things that disable or have disabled us in the past to explain unacceptable behaviour. It makes that behaviour palateable when you season it with "nobody understands me ketchup" or "the way I was raised relish" . In fact is it necessary to put the word "righteous" before the word "victim"? Abuse is wrong whether the victim is righteous or not. What that attendant did was wrong.I mean, seriously, was he sending you to a disabled parking spot blocks away? Ummmm.... right.I know, I know... I'm way off track- there was just so much stuff in here tonite. Bottom line, it was dear Joe who was in the wrong because after all these years does he really have to ask "Do you have to?" Like he doesn't already know the answer to that one!!!That's it. Joe's fault. Next.Frances
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