tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post2270953658266091106..comments2024-03-19T07:36:33.915-04:00Comments on Of Battered Aspect: The Good GirlDave Hingsburgerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11918601687946534172noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-43191410418066899562010-06-10T12:36:12.186-04:002010-06-10T12:36:12.186-04:00I feel like as people with disabilities we're ...I feel like as people with disabilities we're constantly expected to improve. To act less disabled. I know for me, this constant pressure and the reprimands and rebukes that have gone with it throughout my life have encouraged me to develop this good boy/nice guy mentality. I can't stop being disabled, and people are always frustrated with me because of my disability, but if I'm nice and helpful and submissive, maybe they'll appreciate me anyways. It's a very negative behavior. Of course, inevitably the people around me start getting frustrated with me because I'm so accommodating.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-18023364728599894642010-02-11T20:48:21.088-05:002010-02-11T20:48:21.088-05:00I have something of this that I'm trying to fi...I have something of this that I'm trying to fight off. As a semi-dependent, I find myself complying with my caregivers' wishes and "being good" because I am afraid that if I speak up for myself or disagree with them, that I would be left to fend for myself, without knowing how to do so. The prospect of this is so frightening, that I have endured a lot of hurt. <br />It's a survival tactic. <br /><br />However, it's wrong. It's abuse, and it's wrong. And I hope that the women and others learn that it's okay to stand up for yourself, have an opinion and disagree. (be polite, but it's okay to disagree)<br /><br />What helps a lot is to create an environment where having an opinion or making a choice is not bad, and is encouraged. Too many of us, I think, live in situations where we purposely will agree because we think that it's what we're suppose to do, and in order to keep things calm, and get the supports we need. We don't want to be seen as a bother, or be a burden. This can also be by just not saying that something, even a medical issue, is wrong.<br /><br />Thank you.Corina Beckerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04026707230826401476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-2628007640376052852007-02-13T18:41:00.000-05:002007-02-13T18:41:00.000-05:00Thank you for this post. Very well said.My son has...Thank you for this post. Very well said.<BR/><BR/>My son has autism. He recently suffered verbal and emotional abuse from an adult in his life. It made me realize the limited ability he has to defend himself in these situations (which makes him an easy victim). But the most appalling thing was that when he and I did speak up, many people wrote it off BECAUSE of his disability (well he has autism so he probably doesn't understand the humor... arg).Kathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13660223257997734466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-23223838841882800012007-02-08T12:52:00.000-05:002007-02-08T12:52:00.000-05:00Oh, that is sad. But you know, maybe this is just...Oh, that is sad. But you know, maybe this is just the first baby step towards her realizing she can say no and speak her mind. I hate to think of her being such a "good girl" that she doesn't let people know if she's having some kind of discomfort that are the onset of a medical crisis or something.Thirza Cuthandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06584157711576486281noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-54305070639052356232007-02-01T20:21:00.000-05:002007-02-01T20:21:00.000-05:00Truly frightening indeed.
When my daughter was ...Truly frightening indeed. <br /><br />When my daughter was 15 I took her to a women's self-defense class. I told her I'd take it with her as moral support. My rationale was that I wanted her to feel empowered enough to know she could defend herself, and how, if ever the need arose. There was one other Mom there with her daughter, but most of the women in that class, young and old, were there as survivors of prior abuse. (Fortunately my daughter and I were not.) There were no visible signs of any physical disabilities amongst the participants. <br /><br />It was a very powerful experience getting to know some of these women and learning of their struggles. Many of them were there as a result of finally coming to the conclusion that they did not deserve to be mistreated. For some of them it took years, and a great deal of counseling, to muster the courage to take that weekend long course. <br /><br />It was very clear that the emotional scars ran so very deep. <br /><br />I often wonder how those women are doing today...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-17948414963110962302007-01-30T14:45:00.000-05:002007-01-30T14:45:00.000-05:00The “Good Girl Syndrome” seems to go far beyond th...The “Good Girl Syndrome” seems to go far beyond the recipients of service in the developmental disability field. I believe it is a learned behavior, with its roots established in the providers of service, afraid of appearing ungrateful for the crumbs they are given known as “funding”.<br /><br />I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a provider silenced by the mere thought that if they advocated STRONGLY for an individual they’d piss off those holding the purse strings, jeopardizing their program. It happens here in Oregon all the time. It may also be a fear that they’ll develop a reputation as being “difficult”, and that hoped-for upward career move will be disrupted. Of course in the meantime the individual’s need goes unmet, but that’s the price paid for getting along.<br /><br />It makes perfect sense to me that many folks with developmental disabilities turn into people pleasers when I look at their “role models”. I believe that it’s time for ALL involved in this field to stop being more concerned with playing nice and getting along, and demand that the entitlements of our people are realized.David McDonaldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02023134941731366721noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-43563925166271079002007-01-30T00:03:00.000-05:002007-01-30T00:03:00.000-05:00This reminds me of my fears when my son was young ...This reminds me of my fears when my son was young (now 23 with Down syndrome) and we would practice in the car saying no. I would say things to him to which he was to respond NO in a very loud voice. It took a long to get him to say no above a whisper. It's paid off. Now he says no to me when I want him to do things he doesn't want to do and sometimes slams the door to boot. A part of me is furious and a part of me is cheering him on!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-77109055935484928742007-01-29T21:18:00.000-05:002007-01-29T21:18:00.000-05:00Squee! A friend on an e-mail list I'm on posted th...Squee! A friend on an e-mail list I'm on posted this comment, and I'm just amazed in the "small world" way. He was pointing out the similarities between the way disabled people and women have traditionally been taught to behave.<br /><br />Anyway, the only thing I can say that might be useful is to suggest that you might try to think of something you might have done or said that would have had a better effect on this woman.<br /><br />--Mia in VictoriaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-76058469892237626522007-01-29T11:06:00.000-05:002007-01-29T11:06:00.000-05:00I just remembered something that happened to anoth...I just remembered something that happened to another client of one of my staff. (We were both in a supported living program and knew each other.)<br /><br />That staff person stood up to people in front of him all the time, and sometimes got results. She said "No" to people and things happened. Etc.<br /><br />He'd been in a group home most of his life prior to that and "no" wasn't in his vocabulary. But after watching her for a long time, he started saying "no" sometimes, and asking for things he wanted instead of passively accepting whatever he was given.<br /><br />Unfortunately, the agency was a fairly corrupt one (they gave promotions to anyone who clients reported as abusive, as far as I could tell, and then labeled us bad/combative clients), and fired her once they realized she had some part in showing him how to stick up for himself. <br /><br />But sometimes it takes watching someone else do it, to realize you can do it too. (It helped that this staff had herself once been a client and had a good understanding of the power structure from the other side.)ballastexistenzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12543037121691838783noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-40683330906170541192007-01-28T06:14:00.000-05:002007-01-28T06:14:00.000-05:00As the mother of a child with DS your post obvious...As the mother of a child with DS your post obviously had a particular resonance for me. I spend a fair amount of time helping her to 'fit in' via various therapies and the rest of the time just loving her! I can see this scenario in her future (not desirable I know!) but at the moment the little brat thinks she is so clever whenever she is able to make us do what she wants which is reasonably often. I hope that that young woman has further opportunities to question why she has to be so 'good' all the time - and why she shouldn't be able to have her own thoughts and opinions too.Shelleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15306619273869164248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-82259609016552864792007-01-26T16:41:00.000-05:002007-01-26T16:41:00.000-05:00I found your post through the Disability blog carn...I found your post through the Disability blog carnival. I am so glad to have read this. Learning to say "no" can take a long time. I think you planted the seed with this young lady.<br /><br />For years, I thought I had to accept the way people treated me. If they did something I didn't like, I didn't speak up. I am grateful that I had people who planted seeds. and taught me to say no.<br /><br />Your words wwill probably come back to her when she needs them most. Thank you for sharing this story. It is an excellent reminder for all of us.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-81295858054720447482007-01-24T18:18:00.000-05:002007-01-24T18:18:00.000-05:00Thinking back many years (Dave you might remember ...Thinking back many years (Dave you might remember this person)we were trying to teach someone to make choices by giving him a drink we knew he liked and something like lemon juice as an alternate. He drank the lemon juice.<br /><br />But one day I DID see him speak up! It was in a planning meeting. The nurse from "health services"(this was in a home that was a satellite of the institution) said he needed to go on a diet. He said "No," and she persisted and said, "Yes, you are fat." He said, in his gruff, unclear, yet VERY clear way,while pointing at her, "No,no,no,no--YOU--fat!" And she was! <br /><br />I didn't quite know how to recover my composure!Belindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09251920708783268740noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-22473449156477624832007-01-24T17:33:00.000-05:002007-01-24T17:33:00.000-05:00This made me sad to hear how the young lady respon...This made me sad to hear how the young lady responded each time. It sounds like that has been something told to her over and over, by her parents? <br /><br />You shouldn't feel like you failed her. This has obviously been ingrained in her over years and years - you had a day with her. Not enough time to undo what had already been done all those years. <br /><br />I do hope she can take something away from the workshop though.Michellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02441176684416139172noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-2264769707048713702007-01-24T16:36:00.000-05:002007-01-24T16:36:00.000-05:00"I always tell them that I'd much rather be cursed..."I always tell them that I'd much rather be cursed out with honesty than "pleased" with a lie." <br />Julia's words really hit home. Isn't this what we want in all of our relationships. <br />Being set free from being "nice" is a battle common to all of us (except brave souls such as Dave)but the consequences of this bondage are more devastating to people with so little voice to begin with.Belindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09251920708783268740noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-63442893402908932592007-01-24T16:28:00.000-05:002007-01-24T16:28:00.000-05:00Chilling.Chilling.rechalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16445663557315172252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-15317264895381294742007-01-24T12:43:00.000-05:002007-01-24T12:43:00.000-05:00Mr. Hingsburger - I am a self-diagnosed stalker! ...Mr. Hingsburger - I am a self-diagnosed stalker! I google you at least once per month to see if you will be presenting in Illinois (where I live). I can't tell you how excited I am to find your blog. <br /><br />This story made me cry. I've worked with adults with developmental disabilities for about 14 years, and I've seen what you describe too many times. In my relationships with those I support, we often joke around and pretend to disagree and even be angry with one another. They don't know it, but these interactions really are informal role plays. Over the past few years, I have seen some people become much more comfortable with disagreeing with me. I always tell them that I'd much rather be cursed out with honesty than "pleased" with a lie. <br /><br />Anyway, I'm sure I'll be reading your blog on a daily basis! Thank you for being an ongoing inspiration.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-40044068689950221642007-01-24T10:52:00.000-05:002007-01-24T10:52:00.000-05:00I think I used to be a lot like her, but fortunate...I think I used to be a lot like her, but fortunately not extreme enough that a good friend couldn't gradually teach me I didn't have to apologize all the time, I didn't have to look around to figure out what the rules were and then follow them, I didn't have to be afraid of thoughts (and I <em>was</em> afraid of thoughts, I honestly thought when she kept telling me to repeat to myself that I could think my own thoughts, that she was trying to get me killed).ballastexistenzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12543037121691838783noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-266584284734144242007-01-24T09:14:00.000-05:002007-01-24T09:14:00.000-05:00A guy I know who uses a respite home near me is a ...A guy I know who uses a respite home near me is a 'good boy' who doesn't want to cause trouble.<br /><br />He will, sometimes, and very timidly, tell me that someone was horrible to him. But I am merely a visitor. I have no link to this other person, and as far as I can tell, the horribleness happened a month ago. Maybe more.<br /><br />Slowly, slowly, slowly, staff are working with him to let him know that it's OK to tell someone to stop what they're doing to you. It feels horrible poking him in the ribs (gently, wthey're teaching not torturing) and interrupting when he speaks. Slowly, slowly he is learning to say "stop it".<br /><br />Too slowly.<br /><br />What if someone hit him?<br />What if someone raped him?<br />What would it take before he said "stop it" and took action?<br /><br />Luckily, his tormentor is less extreme than the examples above.<br /><br />Yes Dave. It's scaryAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com