tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post8810040386898452075..comments2024-03-19T07:36:33.915-04:00Comments on Of Battered Aspect: A Question PosedDave Hingsburgerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11918601687946534172noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-60436443496373663732010-10-26T20:17:34.926-04:002010-10-26T20:17:34.926-04:00Perhaps it may seem a bit simplistic, or even cold...Perhaps it may seem a bit simplistic, or even cold, but the strategy I use to make such decisions is similar to risk analysis in a business decision.<br /><br />I ask myself this question: "Is the chance to help others worth the risk of being hurt?"<br /><br />Often, the answer is yes. But some things really are too painful to share, and that's okay, too.<br /><br />I don't do a list of pros and cons--I've never found such lists useful when it comes to "weighing" emotions. But by asking myself the question the balance tends to shift one way or the other. I haven't regretted the decisions I've come to based on this yet.Stephaniehttp://embracingchaos.stephanieallencrist.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-59361275491447837792010-10-26T19:28:37.534-04:002010-10-26T19:28:37.534-04:00If it were me, I'd keep it to myself. Just one...If it were me, I'd keep it to myself. Just one jerk passing through on the internet could make a hurtful comment that might damage something that's been precious to you. You give a lot. And I think we all need to make up our own stories and magic words to help the kids in our lives.ivanovahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13694244417925801824noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-43288530841539800792010-10-26T18:24:48.603-04:002010-10-26T18:24:48.603-04:00Dave,
I think you should keep those words safe...Dave,<br /> I think you should keep those words safe within you. And of course, if you need to share them with someone special, like Ruby, then I am sure you will. But, I think you make yourself vulnerable already. Take good care of yourself.<br />LisaAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11051482989794391914noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-40445343879646825232010-10-26T18:22:03.097-04:002010-10-26T18:22:03.097-04:00Dave,
I think the magic words are the words you sh...Dave,<br />I think the magic words are the words you share here. What a wonderful community you've pulled together - and what a safe place you've created for talking about things that can seem so difficult to talk about. I agree with other commenters who've mentioned that the idea is what's important, while the exact words can remain private. <br /><br />And don't forget what magic is contained in a name; naming the problem, naming your solution, having a name for yourself even as others use names to hurt you - all of these are a kind of magic that you already share with your readers.<br /><br />mcsAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-70388558907370789892010-10-26T18:10:01.357-04:002010-10-26T18:10:01.357-04:00I've not read anyone's comments yet but my...I've not read anyone's comments yet but my feeling is you shouldn't if it is that deep and private. Oh I would love to know, I need to know how to cope with these things myself but not if it is going to leave you too exposedMyrriennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-83013167715539276562010-10-26T16:45:12.916-04:002010-10-26T16:45:12.916-04:00Sure, I'd like to know what your "magic w...Sure, I'd <b>like</b> to know what your "magic words" are, but I agree you have no obligation to share them, if it makes you uncomfortable.<br /><br />What I always did, when people called me names or made remarks to me was to tell myself that they were "just words in the air", and I could let them pass by. They always went by at the speed of sound, unhindered by me. ;-)Clayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09424036357963352399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-55613294880960449382010-10-26T14:28:57.730-04:002010-10-26T14:28:57.730-04:00I like the idea of keeping your magic words yours....I like the idea of keeping your magic words yours. You don't want to lose that magic for yourself. I think we all have our own magic words, we just don't realize it.Suellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04291691882471442911noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-2469998695907337182010-10-26T14:07:33.375-04:002010-10-26T14:07:33.375-04:00Safety matters a lot. No one has to justify what t...Safety matters a lot. No one has to justify what they need to feel safe, even if others don't understand. <br /><br />I have my own magic tricks that I have used to cope with horrible things over the years and like you, I have not shared them. When my daughter needed some magic words we came up with some together and they work beautifully for her. I did not share my own words and inner workings, just the process and my love for her. The words that work the protective and strengthening magic for me probably wouldn't work for you and yours might not work for me. I suspect that if we were to share them we would have a deep respect for what we hear, but magic is something deeply personal and goes far beyond any grouping of words.J.noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-34257564378771365682010-10-26T13:38:17.382-04:002010-10-26T13:38:17.382-04:00Naw, I think you should keep it private. Ruby is f...Naw, I think you should keep it private. Ruby is family, that's different.Shanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10704810407872873565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-63351676413006594432010-10-26T12:32:42.240-04:002010-10-26T12:32:42.240-04:00Dear Dave:
Although I would love to know the &quo...Dear Dave:<br /><br />Although I would love to know the "magic words" - it is mostly curiosity. Not a good enough reason for you to share something that personal and take such a big risk. I think you should not share them unless you feel confident that someone ridiculing you for those words would not harm you - and that is not what I am hearing. I think that this would make you way too vulnerable. If you have not even shared them with Joe then sharing them on the blog - not a good idea. Just my opinion.<br /><br />Much gratitude for what you do share<br />ColleenColleennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-37377266494247011382010-10-26T11:50:28.780-04:002010-10-26T11:50:28.780-04:00Dave,
I understand the dilemma. If it feels you ...Dave,<br /><br />I understand the dilemma. If it feels you with dread and you would feel hurt or diminished if someone mocked you then don't do it. There is never any way of knowing what you will get in response to a post and it's not worth doing if it still has the power to be hurtful. We will all survive you holding some stuff back. You told Ruby. It will help her not because the words are magical but because they were given to her by someone she loves and who loves her.wendyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14790763688701278823noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-55494779274148308462010-10-26T11:43:57.606-04:002010-10-26T11:43:57.606-04:00I suggest you ask each commenter to share one of t...I suggest you ask each commenter to share one of their life strategies. If you get a group of those in the comments, perhaps you will feel more comfortable sharing yours.<br /><br />I'll start...<br /><br />When I can get to sleep at night because of all the worries tumbling through my brain, I imagine that I am out in a beautiful meadow. It is night time. God is sitting under a large apple tree. I sit down beside him, lean my head against his shoulder, and he strokes my hair. The calmness overhelms me and I drift peacefully off to sleep.Ashley's Momhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05621835327282616218noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-39796392090883034972010-10-26T10:11:06.452-04:002010-10-26T10:11:06.452-04:00Dave, I'd like to assure you that you would ge...Dave, I'd like to assure you that you would get nothing but respectful discussion and from your regular readers and commenters you would. However, I can't guarantee there wouldn't be an ass clown who did a drive by. If it scares you so much or makes you feel so vulnerable, then do NOT share those words here.Kristinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10791317184998122691noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-32107142791684958702010-10-26T09:49:52.113-04:002010-10-26T09:49:52.113-04:00My thoughts go out to Ruby - as for the situation ...My thoughts go out to Ruby - as for the situation go with youur instincts.adult standing frameshttp://www.quest88.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-77050639409737209332010-10-26T09:49:38.510-04:002010-10-26T09:49:38.510-04:00Dave, your question reminds me of an earlier story...Dave, your question reminds me of an earlier story you posted about when Ruby didn't want to let other kids try on her Halloween mask. Like you pointed out then, it made sense to keep her mask from getting other kids' snot all over the inside of it. You very astutely observed that sharing something like that would be a little too personal and that Ruby was just establishing healthy boundaries by putting limits on her sharing. I think you can apply the same logic here. You have plenty of great advice to offer on dealing with bullying without letting other people try on your mask of magic words!<br /><br />DaisyDaisyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09430197444830973366noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-73423252032562886492010-10-26T09:07:50.398-04:002010-10-26T09:07:50.398-04:00My wise (and deeply missed) Mom used to say: "...My wise (and deeply missed) Mom used to say: "If in doubt, leave it out." If there's a part of you that is wary about sharing something so personal, then please don't. Sure, we're curious; that's human nature. But in reality, I wouldn't want you to do anything that left you feeling uncomfortable in any way. Whatever you feel is right - IS right. Go with whatever your gut is telling you.Brendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16171428636839043425noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-5692141654947748862010-10-26T09:02:23.892-04:002010-10-26T09:02:23.892-04:00Dave, I'm so grateful for the transparency of ...Dave, I'm so grateful for the transparency of your process, here as in many other blogposts. I learn so much from you.<br /><br />About the magic words ... Some of us (me, certainly) thought you were speaking generically about the situation of being bullied, and the verbal responses one might make to bullies. I'm afraid I heard the phrase "magic words" pretty much the way my parents used it, which was as a semi-jovial code for "those words you know but have forgotten to use" -- usually, in our case, "please" and "thank you."<br /><br />When I read the comments asking for the magic words, I thought I was reading a request for "more guidance in handling bullies." Certainly I would never have asked you for a personal mantra or a privately-made-up personal protection spell.<br /><br />In my own life, these days, I often use a set of words publicized decades ago by a woman whose name I wish I could recall: "I am who I am, I look the way I look, I am my age." This allows me to get out the door to some public event where I know I will look 64 and frumpy, without having too much self-judgment about that.<br /><br />Thank you, so much, for the many blessings you share with us.Maggienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-14713957265705880062010-10-26T09:01:38.102-04:002010-10-26T09:01:38.102-04:00You asked recently that people would comment and I...You asked recently that people would comment and I haven't done. I thought that i would comment today as I had something to say. However when I got here, people had said it better than I could<br /><br />pink doberman wrote: My philosophy is if it can help someone and I am no longer in need of it then I should share it. <br /><br />That being said, if you still need to hold it tight to not let it go don'tAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-38688844653925538122010-10-26T08:43:19.339-04:002010-10-26T08:43:19.339-04:00Dave, you share so much of yourself with your read...Dave, you share so much of yourself with your readers already. If you feel compelled to share this, you should. If it still chills you to the bone, then you don't have to. Here's the thing, though. If you do share it, you will have overcome a huge personal hurdle. You will have trusted and survived whatever the outcome. Because you will survive! You are a strong, intelligent, caring individual who has survived already. I believe that this is a safe place for you to share, but it doesn't matter what I believe. Your beliefs are what matters. When my alcoholic, emotionally bereft dad was dying and his family asked me what they should say, I told them "Say what you have to say to have no regrets". I say the same to you, Dave. No regrets either way, OK? Take care my friend.Sherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12213266574971461657noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-38688605749749707652010-10-26T08:12:26.899-04:002010-10-26T08:12:26.899-04:00Your instincts all your life were right. It was a ...Your instincts all your life were right. It was a precious gift that you gave to Ruby. If need be she can share this special something. Your blog readers are special wonderful people but for them to ask for something so obviously precious and private was crossing the line. You do not need to share with them just because they ask.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-86197187523229062782010-10-26T07:45:43.390-04:002010-10-26T07:45:43.390-04:00I'd vote for no. Sometimes sharing things with...I'd vote for no. Sometimes sharing things with the world is powerful; sometimes not so much. <br /><br />Save them for the right situations. Share privately when someone needs them.Tamarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04624151975591059655noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-38061563961203661542010-10-26T07:35:09.132-04:002010-10-26T07:35:09.132-04:00I'd keep it to myself if I knew that I shared ...I'd keep it to myself if I knew that I shared as much of myself as you do. You've given us enough, you don't need to give us everything. I bet we all have our own magic words that we could find. Sharing that concept should be enough for us. My goodness you had a rough start, but my goodness look how far you've come. You may not feel it, but most of us here want just a few ounces of the strength we find in you!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-22656632246736023012010-10-26T07:20:27.405-04:002010-10-26T07:20:27.405-04:00To Tracy,
Yes, the computer sometimes likes to do...To Tracy,<br /><br />Yes, the computer sometimes likes to double post my comments too. I can't remember off hand if it has ever triple posted for me, but it wouldn't surprise me. Isn't technology grand? LOL!Andrea S.http://wecando.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-7402504772380008742010-10-26T07:17:43.408-04:002010-10-26T07:17:43.408-04:00Dave,
There are other things that you have not ch...Dave,<br /><br />There are other things that you have not chosen to share with us because ... they're too personal. Or just not our business. Or maybe just not relevant. <br /><br />What makes this different? If you *want* to share that's one thing. But since you're feeling conflicted enough to ask for people's opinions, then I wonder if there is a real "want" there or if there might be a sense of obligation involved, which is a different thing. Are you really "obligated" to share, even with bullying victims who aren't Ruby? I don't think so. Some things are personal enough that you shouldn't feel you have to reveal that part of yourself, and especially not if those magic words still have power for you--power that you may need to hold on to. There are other ways to help people that shouldn't have to involve revealing yourself in ways that maybe you don't feel ready for.<br /><br />If you feel moved to share the words with a specific person, as you did with Ruby, go ahead. Maybe there are times when sharing the words make them feel more powerful, at least for you (though I'm with the people who are guessing that each person probably has a different set of "magical words" that would work for them and that maybe magic words can't be transferred, at least not directly ... maybe only the concept of having them and possibly a strategy for coming up with your own set of words could be shared). <br /><br />If you're debating sharing them with Joe ... sure, if that feels right to you. Just because he's Joe, and you already know he'll treat those words with the care they deserve. But if you're debating putting them up on the blog for the whole world to read them ... then you should only do that if you feel ready. Maybe I'm wrong. But I'm thinking if you really did feel ready, you would have simply shared the words. If you're asking, then I wonder if you really feel ready yet. In which case, none of us have a right to know these words.Andrea S.http://wecando.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-35345682577433309252010-10-26T07:01:45.239-04:002010-10-26T07:01:45.239-04:00Hi Dave, I really think in your blog you answered ...Hi Dave, I really think in your blog you answered your own question. :) When you were young and being bullied, those magic words worked for you BECAUSE it was a secret that no one knew. You protected it and kept it safe, and in turn those words helped shield you from the harshness of the world around you.<br />Ruby will have the opportunity to use that shield in the same way, it could be her own little secret that she will tuck away and keep safe to help protect her from the cruelness she is already experiencing at such a young age. Having a secret gives you a sense of power, a sense of being a part of something that is bigger than yourself. If you're selective about those whom you share it with, with those who really truly need it, I think they become stronger.Holly Salsmanhttp://www.ourtownearthnetwork.comnoreply@blogger.com