tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post5975791931066458931..comments2024-03-19T07:36:33.915-04:00Comments on Of Battered Aspect: BECAUSEDave Hingsburgerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11918601687946534172noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-47381723705091920872016-05-02T10:22:43.466-04:002016-05-02T10:22:43.466-04:00Violence, neglect and trauma have a very real neur...Violence, neglect and trauma have a very real neurological effect on the brain. The limbic system of a bully being on a tripwire is one of them. There is a because - and the because can be preventable - but first it takes recognition, then it takes work. I've worked with folks in the forensic system . . . and a vast majority have childhood trauma backgrounds. It set their wiring to a tendency. Sometimes - that tendency is hard to overcome - especially if it's reinforced over, and over, and over. <br /><br />There is no EXCUSE for violence and bullying - but there is a REASON. Once the reason is known - I do believe it is MY duty as a professional to offer whatever help I can. The question in a trauma informed community is not "What's wrong with you?" it's "What happened to you?" Ron Arnoldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05852385982605070675noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-38062040579616457202016-05-01T13:23:50.139-04:002016-05-01T13:23:50.139-04:00I guess I don't understand the logic of this a...I guess I don't understand the logic of this argument. I get that bullying is horrible and sad and hurts people. I was bullied when I was a child and being disabled, I think bullying is still happening to me in a more systematic, social oppression fashion. However, I can't understand how trying to get to the bottom of bullying behavior is a bad thing. If punishing alone has proven innefective, you have to seek out the SOURCE of the problem and treat it to PREVENT future bullying and victimization of others. This doesn't mean there should be no consequences for behavior... This doesn't mean kids shouldn't get detention or suspension in some cases. It doesn't mean that people who commit assault shouldn't have to pay by jail time or fees or community service. But in addition to the negative consequences, analysis and treatment of the root problem is necessary to STOP the bullying. And when I tell my kid "They don't mean the things they say to you. They are just hurting and broken inside somewhere and want you to hurt like they do." that is not to diminish what was done to her but to give her some comfort... When she can understand that bullies are the ones that are broken and dysfunctional and hurting, she sees that their words and actions against her are a farce. That she is beautiful and perfect and they are the ones who need help...<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17801892029709012665noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-92149106361915435192016-04-30T17:25:25.171-04:002016-04-30T17:25:25.171-04:00Thank goodness for someone pointing out what I thi...Thank goodness for someone pointing out what I think is a very obvious fact. There is NO excuse for bullying. Others find ways of dealing with their problems and a bully must find their way to find a socially acceptable way of dealing also.Flemisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06071892012220547892noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-79358950829357407092016-04-30T16:52:57.324-04:002016-04-30T16:52:57.324-04:00Dave, this is so true. And because I was a child ...Dave, this is so true. And because I was a child bullied within my own family, by my mother, I vowed at quite a young age never to be like her, never to treat anyone the way I had been treated. It was a choice I made rather than choosing to permit myself to pass on the hurt. Your writing today has helped me feel better in my choice of holding my mother accountable for her actions toward me. She made a choice too.SammEhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10466808181268786245noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-42657530996080017792016-04-30T14:56:25.234-04:002016-04-30T14:56:25.234-04:00Happy Turtle has it right, and court-mandated ther...Happy Turtle has it right, and court-mandated therapy is sometimes what starts the process if the bully won't do it.<br /><br />That, and the habit of people forgiving shooters and other criminals WAY too soon for the crime, gets on my nerves. It is WRONG. EVEN for committed Christians and member of other religions which emphasize forgiveness.<br /><br />If there are no consequences, why would anyone refrain from doing some of these things?<br /><br />Forgiveness is a long process, should not be undertaken lightly, and cannot be short-circuited: it must be gone through.<br /><br />If you don't protect the bullied, what message are you sending THEM? That it was somehow all right? And asking THEM, vulnerable and bullied, to forgive someone who hurt them? Whoa! Not so fast.ABEhrhardthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17211038591900883672noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-84881946041184268062016-04-30T12:56:41.458-04:002016-04-30T12:56:41.458-04:00Dave, this is a more personal response to this pos...Dave, this is a more personal response to this post. I grew up in a family where my father was a bully and injured me in all the ways that a angry man can hurt a little girl. My mother used the 'because' strategy to justify his behavior, and I learned very quickly not to question his behavior but to focus my energy on preventing the events in the household that set him off. When I was depressed and anxious with a toddler at home I started therapy, and antidepressants. I realized he was an alcoholic and learned the 'codependency' model of damage and healing. Two years later I began to remember much more of the damage, and wanted to die. (of my own shame, at that point). Deciding that I had to live and work very hard to raise my son without 'passing on' all of this toxic heritage. I'm still working at that..28 years later. And yes, I have learned to use my voice to stand up to bullies, sometimes. <br />I've learned that most people in the world don't want to hear about bullies, and holding them responsible for what they did and how it hurt people. Most people want to say it was long ago, he didn't mean it, you should be over it by now.<br />Thanks for being a truth seeker and a truth speaker. You end up being the target of more abuse, on behalf of the vulnerable. You shine a little light and provide some hope. Thanks. ClairesmumUnknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13382503094929375543noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-71401906339160594592016-04-30T12:49:28.576-04:002016-04-30T12:49:28.576-04:00I guess I see it a bit differently - understanding...I guess I see it a bit differently - understanding 'why' the person committed an act of bullying is a useful observation if you are working with the bully to change their behavior. Often someone who bullies responds "I dont know, I just did it" or some other not insightful response when asked "why" they did what they did. <br />Maladaptive coping behaviors (letting frustration build and then using physical and/or verbal acts against vulnerable others to relieve internal distress) is abuse. It is learned behavior, and can be unlearned.<br />Behavior changes when it hurts too much to continue the same behaviors. <br />When everyone focuses on understanding the bully, we commit 2 serious errors. We overlook the damage to the victim, and we enable the bully to continue the behavior. <br />Bullying is so pervasive in American life today (I hope less so for Canadians). Our business/work cultures rely on it. The end is often felt to justify the means, although very few people slow down enough to ask that question of themselves and others. <br />ClairesmumUnknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13382503094929375543noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-49837850441403860512016-04-30T10:47:18.588-04:002016-04-30T10:47:18.588-04:00If there is a 'because', let it occur betw...If there is a 'because', let it occur between the bully and their therapist when they decide to change. NOT between the bully and the victim. It isn't the job of the victim to provide therapy and empathy for the bully. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09310547041667322318noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35743239.post-53031124253013083272016-04-30T10:05:28.004-04:002016-04-30T10:05:28.004-04:00What David said. (Insert standing ovation HERE!)What David said. (Insert standing ovation HERE!)Frank_Vhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15707525224938640688noreply@blogger.com