Can an apology be too late?
Can an apology ask too much?
The voice on the phone was as small as it was unexpected. We haven't spoken for a very long time. We were young, now we're not. The occasion of the phone call was ostensibly to ask me how I felt about Kathleen Wynne's election as Ontario's new premier. The election of an openly gay person to one of Canada's top offices is definitely causing a buzz. Joe and I were pleased at her election, more because we like her policies than because of her sexuality, and realise that it was something we thought we'd never see.
Like I never thought I'd never see or even speak to the person attached to the voice on the phone.
We had a very stilted conversation. We touched words gently, like fingers feel their way around a bruise. The call wasn't long. In the end the voice says, "I think that her private life is her private life and if she can do the job, no one should care."
Was I supposed to applaud?
Was I supposed to break down in tears?
Was I supposed to feel an overwhelming rush of gratitude?
Apologies are odd things - they are given, usually as a means of getting. Forgiveness. Pardon. Mercy.
There are people that I have never apologised to, though I desperately wish to. I like the man I am now, though I still have areas to grow. I'm not so fond of the fellow I was through my 20's and early 30's. I didn't know how to BE me. I ended up being mean. I found the outsider roll very, very difficult. I realise as I write those words that it begins to sound like an excuse. I do not excuse the hurt I caused others. I do not believe that what happened to me allows me to 'happen' to you. Even so, I'm struggling here to say that I did things I regret and treated people in ways that simply aren't acceptable.
And I know that.
And I haven't dared to apologise.
I think the time is long past that.
For me, I think, that I have no right to ask for what apology expects. I'd like there to be a word to use other than "apology" that means - "I shouldn't have done what I did and I want you to know that I regret my actions - I however understand and respect that these feeble words will change nothing." But there isn't. So I haven't. Maybe I should. I don't know. But for now, at least, I have no wish to burden them with my apologies.
But after the call I got. I found myself more angered that comforted. So now? After you threw me out of you life? So now after you refused to let me even meet your children? So now after you told me that I was going to burn in hell and that God hated me ... and you don't even BELIEVE? So now ... NOW ... that you are in a place of your own personal growth, I'm supposed to welcome your acceptance?
Do you remember that, after you found out that I was, I think 'deviant' was your word, that you went through my life with a microscope? You commented on the fact that I drank beer - homo's are all alcoholics. You commented on the fact that I smoked - queer's don't care about their health. You commented on the facts that my friends died of AIDS - "fags get what fags deserve" you told me.
And now?
You think that Kathleen Wynne should be allowed to have a job, an important job.
Lovely.
Thank you, I suppose.
Maybe your apology made you feel better ... oh wait! You didn't actually apologise. What you did was to let me know that you thought her private life was her own. A statement of half hearted acceptance.
Maybe I'd feel better if you'd said, "I'm sorry."
Maybe.
Maybe there should be another word instead of apologise.
And maybe there should be another word instead of forgiveness.
21 comments:
Oh Dave - almost everything you said resonated with me. This is one area of my life that I remain stunted in. I find forgiveness so hard - the hurts run so deep. The apologies seem too shallow to even touch the heart of the wound. I too am suspicious of the timing - it is all on their clock - when they have "seen the light", or are sick, or have crises, or going through a "program". How very nice for them. Yet I am left hanging, weighed down with guilt for my feelings of bitterness and unforgiveness. It is a hard place to be. I am trying to realize that unforgiveness hurts me more than them. It is like taking a poison that you hope hurts the other person - it doesn't. It rots your soul and taints your relationships with others. That is the unfair thing of it all. I try to remember that much has been forgiven of me - and that forgiveness does carry some freedom. It takes away the other person's power over me. A good reminder that words hurt and time does not heal all wounds. All the best as you struggle with this.
This is the line that really jumped out for me: "I do not believe that what happened to me allows me to 'happen' to you." That's a great line and there's a great deal packed into that single thought. One of the things that I respect about Dave's work is that he recognizes that some of the harm we do others stems from omission. Under the guise of "protecting" folks with disabilities, we keep them in the dark about such things as the grieving process or masturbation.
Oh, wow. I was barely awake when I began reading this post. I'm awake now.
Dave.
God, there is so much here. So many emotions and so much time and change and growth.
And all the way through, I kept waiting for you to say that So-and-So had apologized, but So-So didn't and my heart clenched up.
I see your hurt and your anger and even as I cringed, seeing it, I felt it, too.
Half-hearted is almost worse, somehow. It says, "I will offer my whole self into this," and "You are not worth all that I have to give," and "I don't really feel sorry."
Whether So-and-So feels truly contrite for the past, sadly, unless s/he reads this blog, you will never know.
What's sadder is that still, YOUR heart has no true peace with this situation. I'm so sorry.
I wish I knew what to say to this.
I guess I'm just leaving this comment so you know that my heart heard you this morning.
Saying sorry, no matter how awkwardly, or poorly stated is never too late. I am so sorry that the power of past hurts still grip you so deeply, I hope that someday you will find a way to release the holds that others have in your soul.
That seems so strange that someone would call like that out of the blue after such nastiness and decades of silence. Kind of makes you wonder if they just got some bad diagnosis or something. I think I get what you say about apologies. They always seem more about the person apologizing than the person hurt. Has to be a better way to make up for the bad stuff we do ... and we all hurt someone at some point ... all of us.
Yeah, that was not an apology of any sort. To have an former antagonist dump their new, half-baked emotional 'revelation' on you and expect YOU to sort it out and draw a conclusion is just more emotional fisticuffs (albeit passive-aggressive).
I'm sure that voice from your past expected you to congratulate him/her on the enlightenment and be grateful for sharing that growth. PISH TOSH!
After someone has hurt me deeply, I don't expect to take on the dirty job of sorting out their minimal emotional growth and then congratulating them for the effort.
Sue
It's hard to see you hurting.
From my own perspective, I think it's never too late for a real apology. But also, it's never too soon for one. I wish your caller had thought to give you a real apology within days of hurting you, even if their 'position' didn't change. Even more, I wish your caller had had the courage to give you a real apology now.
The kind that says, "I see now that what I did to you was awful, that I was really being a jerk; I see now that you didn't deserve the pain I caused you, and I see (as maybe I didn't see before) that I hurt you badly; I know these words aren't enough, but I don't know how to say it better: I am so deeply, truly sorry for what I did."
I don't know if you would have felt 'good' or 'happy' to hear such an apology, particularly in the moment it was offered, but I suspect it might not have made you as angry as this call did. And I don't think you would have found a real apology hurtful, as this call surely was.
Thanks for putting this out there. You've sparked a lot of thinking for me this morning, and selfishly I'm grateful.
I'll share a little of it, in case it helps.
In my role as a hospital chaplain, I keep finding that the things people need to say, on their deathbeds or when someone they love is dying, almost always are the same: "I love you, I'm sorry, I forgive you." And, often, "I wish you would tell me you're sorry" - or even, "I wish you had ever told me you were sorry."
It amazes and saddens me that some people can't bring themselves to actually say the words of genuine apology. They try to sneak into it, or offer it back-handedly, or try to pretend (as your caller did) that it's all behind us now and we're just talking about something that might be tangentially related. Or they try, as this caller surely did, to say something that will imply the apology they are afraid to make.
They seem sometimes to be afraid to say the words of apology because somehow the words themselves would make them wrong in what they did ... whereas they want you to forgive them even while not acknowledging that what they did was wrong, or unfair, or even just hurtful (right, wrong, or otherwise).
I might almost say they're afraid of casting the Spell that might make them recognize that, back then, they behaved really badly. As if not acknowledging it would somehow make it not true.
Some of us have seen that dynamic in abuse situations, where the victim doesn't want to tell because the telling would somehow make the event more real.
I ramble on. I don't know what I could say that would best let you know that you are loved and valued by those who know you, and your writing and your work are so much appreciated by those you share it with. But of course, you know that already.
If I were sitting at your bedside, I would invite you to receive the gift, in your imagination, of hearing the words of the apology you would like to receive from that caller, and let yourself receive the recognition that you never deserved the pain that the caller caused you, and that the caller knows that (on some level) now.
Sending you so much love, light and laughter
It's hard to see you hurting.
From my own perspective, I think it's never too late for a real apology. But also, it's never too soon for one. I wish your caller had thought to give you a real apology within days of hurting you, even if their 'position' didn't change. Even more, I wish your caller had had the courage to give you a real apology now.
The kind that says, "I see now that what I did to you was awful, that I was really being a jerk; I see now that you didn't deserve the pain I caused you, and I see (as maybe I didn't see before) that I hurt you badly; I know these words aren't enough, but I don't know how to say it better: I am so deeply, truly sorry for what I did."
I don't know if you would have felt 'good' or 'happy' to hear such an apology, particularly in the moment it was offered, but I suspect it might not have made you as angry as this call did. And I don't think you would have found a real apology hurtful, as this call surely was.
Thanks for putting this out there. You've sparked a lot of thinking for me this morning, and selfishly I'm grateful.
I'll share a little of it, in case it helps.
In my role as a hospital chaplain, I keep finding that the things people need to say, on their deathbeds or when someone they love is dying, almost always are the same: "I love you, I'm sorry, I forgive you." And, often, "I wish you would tell me you're sorry" - or even, "I wish you had ever told me you were sorry."
It amazes and saddens me that some people can't bring themselves to actually say the words of genuine apology. They try to sneak into it, or offer it back-handedly, or try to pretend (as your caller did) that it's all behind us now and we're just talking about something that might be tangentially related. Or they try, as this caller surely did, to say something that will imply the apology they are afraid to make.
They seem sometimes to be afraid to say the words of apology because somehow the words themselves would make them wrong in what they did ... whereas they want you to forgive them even while not acknowledging that what they did was wrong, or unfair, or even just hurtful (right, wrong, or otherwise).
I might almost say they're afraid of casting the Spell that might make them recognize that, back then, they behaved really badly. As if not acknowledging it would somehow make it not true.
Some of us have seen that dynamic in abuse situations, where the victim doesn't want to tell because the telling would somehow make the event more real.
I ramble on. I don't know what I could say that would best let you know that you are loved and valued by those who know you, and your writing and your work are so much appreciated by those you share it with. But of course, you know that already.
If I were sitting at your bedside, I would invite you to receive the gift, in your imagination, of hearing the words of the apology you would like to receive from that caller, and let yourself receive the recognition that you never deserved the pain that the caller caused you, and that the caller knows that (on some level) now.
Sending you so much love, light and laughter
Oh my goodness, I agree with what Belly (Liz McLennan) said in that there is so much here. I started to write a comment and realized that I was writing a blog post--only I was jumping all over the place! So, I am going to take all of my thoughts, put them in some kind of order, and write a blog post with my thoughts for tomorrow and back link to this post. "Too Late, Too Little, Too Much." Thank you so much for never failing to make me think because you share your thoughts, feelings and heart here.
Dear Dave:
I hope that the liberal party elected Kathleen Wynne as their leader because of her ability to get the job done! It is pretty unfair to her to see her leadership as anything else - especially if one were to see it as some kind of tokenism, which is kind of what I thought your caller was doing. So heap that on top of his history with you and his very weak very veiled apology - I don't wonder that you are upset!
Colleen
As far as I'm concerned, if you still felt like a second class citizen after the apology, it wasn't an apology, it was a slight concession.
Thank you all for your comments and discussion thus far, I look forward to reading more. I want to be clear that I don't sit around with acid in my soul about this stuff, it's just that the phone call stirred up all sorts of memories. I was careful to not mention gender but since it's been assumed that it was a man, it wasn't, it was a woman who called. I think that there needs to be a lot of examination about the fact that healing can't happen without forgiveness - I don't believe that that's true. And I'm thinking of inviting a guest to write a blog on that topic.
Oh Dave. This post makes me want to rant and rave and swear. I'll spare you and everyone else and just say that I've been written off by those who were both straight and narrow, too and I would blow a gasket if one of those people showed up out of the blue, 30 years on and laid such a wishy washy statement on me. It would be like a racist saying, decades later "I've noticed that black people sit anywhere they want on the bus now. I guess that's okay. Bye!" And really, your caller didn't even say that much.
Wow...thanks for calling!
I don't think unforgiveness hurts me more than them (like the first comment says- in the spirit of disagreement is welcomed). I think forgiveness can cost me while it benefits the other. I've heard people argue that I'm not talking about true forgiveness when I say that. I CAN and DO forgive, and I CAN and DO let things go, and I KNOW it costs me. Equally, there are many things I could seek forgiveness for. But when you have messed up and hurt, the damage is done, and seeking forgiveness is not the same as making amends. I'm not suggesting penance as an alternative to forgiveness, or even redress- where it's possible- because these don't necessarily cure the hurt. If you have hurt, you have to live with it, and forgiveness to me is about learning to live with that, learning to forgive YOURSELF, not asking for something big from the person/people you hurt in the first place.
Dave,
If you are able to arrange that guest post examining the idea that "healing can't happen without forgiveness" I will look forward to that. I agree that there is a lot of mythology around this whole idea. SOME people may find profound release in forgiving others. But I have also read personal stories by people who have found that trying to forgive (or even actually forgiving) ended up HINDERING their healing process, or even setting it back completely for many years. Thus, SOME people have found it profoundly healing to LET GO of the idea of forgiving. Which does NOT mean that they end up boiling their soul in acid. On the contrary, for SOME people, it is only by giving up the struggle to forgive, and accepting their anger, that they finally find a way to move on from the hurt and find a sense of relief or renewed joy or whatever emotion they're seeking for.
Each person is different and may need a different path to healing. There is no such thing as a "one size fits all" process. And that should be seen as okay and FINE.
Random thoughts on your question:
I think an apology (or, if not an apology, then an acknowledgment that they did something truly terrible) can still be worth doing even when very late. But, yes, apologies (or acknowledgments of wrongs) generally mean more when done promptly. And in order to count at all, it should be a real apology naming what was done wrong, not a feeble gesture that could maybe sort of seem like an apology if you put it a mile away from where you are, tilt your head sideways, squint until it seems blurry, add a hefty dose of wishful thinking, and then pretend really really hard.
I'm sorry that what you got was the feeble gesture and not the real thing.
Very thought provoking. Thank you for sharing...
What you got, in this instance, was not an apology. It might have been Apology's distant relative, several times removed. Sounds more like "sweeping under the carpet." Not cool. (Also, for the record, I was picturing a woman's voice on the phone. For whatever reason.)
But interesting look at the different definitions of apology. It's true that apologies are often given as a means of getting. I just don't feel that's truly an apology. I think that a true, sincere, authentic apology is given purely as a gift, no strings attached. And when offered that way, I feel like I receive it as a gift, even if much time has passed. Maybe even more so, if much time's passed.
It's not that I NEED an apology in order to move on and heal. But I appreciate knowing that the other person didn't simply move on and easily blow off something that caused me pain. I appreciate knowing that they thought about it, and about me, enough that they better understand me now. Maybe they didn't understand or care about my pain before, but now they do, at least better than before, and being understood is valuable to me. I think about some of the most hurtful things that have been said to me over my life, all of which I assume the offenders have forgotten by now. And that bugs me! They were the ones that were cruel. Why don't they still think about it like I do? I'd love to find out that I'm wrong. I'd love to be told that they still think, with regret, about what they did, and that they're sorry.
I also appreciate the opportunity to forgive. Sometimes, the apology comes before I'm ready to forgive, and all I can say is "thank you" for the apology. Other times, I can sincerely forgive, say "it's ok now," and continue/strengthen the relationship. Either way, I feel like the apology puts the ball back in my court, the power back in my hands, to do what I like with. Those moments can be super awkward, and I'm not very good at handling them... but I still appreciate them. I know that power isn't usually given easily.
And on the side of the apologizer... never easy. Words often seem soooo insufficient. But they're often all we have. And they can be powerful too. I find that in my classroom. I don't think kids are used to getting apologies from adults very often, and the adolescents I work with are always desperately seeking respect. I've gotten much better at giving apologies to kids/classes when I feel it necessary. It seems to shock the kids a little when I can say, "Wow, I should NOT have just said that to you. I took out my stress and frustration on you, and you didn't deserve that. I don't blame you if you're upset with me, but I'm really sorry." In the long term, it always strengthens the relationship and improves classroom dynamics. We end up better able to trust each other.
(Waaaay too long. Sorry...)
Dave, I think the big problem here is that the individual who contacted you NEVER apologized...not even in a haf-assed manner. Those simple words, "What I did is wrong and I am sorry", make such a huge difference. I think in y our situation, I would have been angry after the conversation too.
Dragondreamer's Lair
This has got me thinking, in situations where we have been horribly wrong, can we make an apology that acknowledges how wrong we were but does not put the onus on the wronged person to forgive, excuse, or gratify us in any way?
Would snail mail serve a purpose here? I send a letter, sincerely acknowledging that I wronged the person, with no return address. Yes, it's possible to find anyone, so they can find me if they really need to, but there's no implication that forgiveness or reply is expected. And also, I don't get to feel better after I send it. The sending is purely in case there's some way in which it's helpful knowing that it was I who was horribly wrong and not the victim's fault (particularly as children we tend to internalize that somehow we are bad and that's why others are cruel or abusive).
Because I agree with everything you've said in your post but I'm also wondering if there's any room for genuine apologies to still exist. Because that seems very important.
Dave,
Re: healing can't happen without forgiveness. I am SOOOO glad to hear you say you don't believe that! It's become this thing that because everyone says people assume it's true. I HATE it.
I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my step father. I am not asking for support or a medal or anything else. It's a fact. And, by and large, I'm okay. I've done a lot of work and I feel pretty "healed"...scarred but no longer bleeding. But I have no interest in forgiving the bastard, none. Why would I? He did something unthinkable to an innocent child...who happened to me. I know for a fact I was not the only one he abused. I don't see any point in forgiving him for being preferential pedophile, a predator who inserted himself into my mother's life specifically because she had a daughter the right age and look for him.
I have learned that I don't need to forgive him to forgive myself.
So, thank you for saying that!
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