Several weeks ago Joe and I are grocery shopping on the way home from work. I am in the narrow passageway between tills waiting to pay. Three of the stores employees are joking at the Customer Service desk directly in front of me. The produce manager laughs at something that the clerk said and remarked back, loudly, "Don't be such a retard."
Retard.
My temper flew out of me. "Watch your mouth."
The manager turned and saw me but had no idea what had me so riled, "Pardon me?" He asked.
"I can't believe that you would use that word, here. I come into this store as a customer and I have to sit here and listen to a bigot spewing hatred." I was really, really, mad.
He gets offended, "I said no such thing." He didn't know what I was talking about but slipped into an aggressively defensive mode - a mode common to bullies.
"Don't even try to deny that you used a hateful word to describe someone with a disability."
"I think he means, 'Retard' boss." The clerk said, hoping to be helpful but adding fuel to the fire.
Then they both got an angry and loud speach about the use of hateful words about disability. That I as a disabled customer should not be assualted by that kind of hatemongering trash when I come into a store. I let them know that I knew, and liked, people with intellectual disabilities and that I found it outrageous that they could use that word.
"We didn't mean anything by it," said the third of the three.
"The word has meaning attached to it, you can't will it away."
The whole store was quiet. Everyone was listening. I asked for the manager's card. I got home a letter went off that day to the general manager of the store and to the head of personnel for the chain.
God bless the letter.
Well, I got an answer in today's mail. It was a wimpy apology, said that the store employees didn't understand the hurtful nature of the word and that, not to worry, they'd have a training session on appropriate language.
A Training Session.
A TRAINING SESSION.
A FRIGGING FRAGGING FROGGING TRAINING SESSION.
Oh well, all better then.
The average age of the three of them would have been 40.
What 4 year old doesn't know that calling names is wrong. That using racist language is wrong. That picking on vulnerable people is wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
Well, I called the nice personnel lady and let her know that I thought the idea was silly.
Sorry.
I want punishment.
Tell people not to use racist language and then fire them for doing it.
Tell people not to use sexist comments to customers and then fire them for doing it.
Tell people that disphobic, disablist, damning words about disability won't be used and then fire them for doing it.
Enough. Enough. Enough. Enough.
I told her that I thought they needed POLICY not training. She told me that they did have policy on the use of racial slurs and sexual innuendo and even, hear she breathed deeply because she was proud, had policy on homophobic language.
Rah, Rah, Rah, what about hateful language about disability? What about me having to be in a store and listen to three employees toss the term 'Retard' around with abandon. Not knowing if there was a person with an intellectual disability in ear-shot, not knowing if they'd just ruined the day of a mother of a kid with a disability, not knowing if they just encouraged other thoughtless oafs to use the word too.
Have I said, ENOUGH.
The nice lady said that I had a point.
Where do they train these people?? Oh, I forgot, they train them in training sessions.
So what's to be done about it?
"We'll review our policies ... and ..." here she paused, "have them all in for training."
Well, I've written the course text ...
DON'T CALL PEOPLE NAMES
Another letter has gone off, this time to the guy at the top of the chain.
Thank God for letters.
16 comments:
Thank God for letters.
And people that stand up for what is right! I admire you Dave!
Go Dave!
It's a bit of "final frontier"...though none of them are ever final, are they? It seems that people who would never in a million years consider using slurs aimed at someones race or even sexual orientation have no trouble tossing the "r" word around. Perhaps you should offer your extensive expertise as a traing. Now that would be a session to be a fly on the wall for!
RIGHT ON, DAVE!!
I throw a FIT about it, everytime i hear it!
Other moms like me are...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
COMPLACENT!!
I think i Love you!!
e in missouri
Thank God you didn't stop writing your blog. We just NEED it, Dave. You manage to bring up the deepest emotions inside human beings.
Mieke.
My youngest has DS, and my two "in their 20's" sons think it's hopeless. The "R" word is so entrenched in their generation's vernacular. They heard it a lot when they were young, and it was very hurtful.
I've tried to explain to them that The "N" word and others were just as entrenched in our language years ago. As a society, I think we can work on ridding our world of this one too.
Thanks for always doing your part and more -
And PLEASE don't stop blogging!
Tamara
Do you remember Soeren Palumbo's speech about the 'r' word? It made the rounds in the spring, and I blogged about it at the beginning of the school year. http://kei-unlimited.blogspot.com/2007/08/heroes.html
It has his YouTube video on there too.
Soeren recently returned from China, where he attended the Special Olympics World Games Global Youth Summit.
He also started a cause on Facebook to ban the 'r' from the American colloquial speech. His description and position statements:
There are a lot of things that you can do to promote human dignity and respect; one of them is refusing to participate in speech that degrades the happiest, most loving and innocent segment of our society.
Positions:
1)All members of the human race are entitled to dignity and respect
2)The word Retard(ed), even (especially) when used casually, strips those with developmental disabilities of their dignity
3)They are friends, siblings, athletes, sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, mentors, workers, classmates, comedians, and friends. There are many ways to describe individuals with intellectual disabilities, find one more respectful than the R word.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several years ago in the grocery store, my husband overheard some cashiers discussing their shift. One girl complained that she was going to be stuck with 'C', a young man with Down syndrome, then went on to complain how slow he was. My husband chided her about talking so loudly and unfavorably about the young man (who fortunately was not there at the time to hear her), and went on to tell her how we seek him out specifically, as he is one of the few baggers who actually takes the time to put items in the correct bags, unlike some other typical baggers who think cleaning products are okay to bag with food, or frozen with non, or even, eggs with canned items.
He was so livid that he spoke with customer service to page the manager, then got the number of the regional manager. They promised they would take care of the situation. A week later, we heard from one of our older child's buddy that all the personnel in the entire chain underwent sensitivity training.
It was a start.
Sorry for such a long comment post.
Have a great day!
There was a woman in one of my classes at College who used to draw her arm up to her chest and thump herself with her wrist (held in the kind of position a person with CP might) and say "what a 'tard", while talking about herself, and the first time I saw here do it, I was dumbfounded, I mean this was an educated woman. I was so dumbfounded I didn't say anything, but about 2 days later, I told her that it was very offensive to see her do that and did she realize that she was insulting people with disabilities. THEN, to my disgust, recently, I saw my son (who has CP) do it! He had picked up this from another deaf student at school (though he was saying "duh"). Again, I was furious and asked him what on earth he was doing? I then went to talk with the teacher and told them that the kids were using this and it was totally inappropriate. People can be so ignorant!
My teen-age daughter's teacher used the phrase "that's so retarded" last year in the classroom. She quickly caught herself, and changed her expression, and then singled my daughter out, pulled her out of the classroom and apologized to her because of Paige (our younger daughter with Down syndrome).
I was more appalled that she singled my daughter out, and felt the need to apologize because she had a sister with T21, than I was with the use of the word.
It was as if it would have been o.k. to use it had my daughter not been in the room.
Nobody slips and uses the word unless is part of their vocabulary.
I stress to my daughter all the time that words are very, very powerful - they can stop and start wars, they can make someone soar, and break someone's heart, and we are obligated to use them very carefully.
Thank GOD you didn't get the explanation that they thought it was o.k. to use the word because you weren't one of "them", lol....
There was a woman in one of my classes at College who used to draw her arm up to her chest and thump herself with her wrist (held in the kind of position a person with CP might) and say "what a 'tard", while talking about herself, and the first time I saw here do it, I was dumbfounded, I mean this was an educated woman.
Why do people (in general) seem to expect "educated" people to be nicer?
I too write letters.
So yes thank God for letters!
What is it about grocery stores in particular? I always look at the clerk, bagger or customer and say, "That's really offensive to me and the people I know who have mental retardation." Yeah, I'm using the word, but often it never occurs to folks that "those people" could be offended!
On a funnier note, I was working for the state protection and advocacy center here in Nevada and the other advocate I was traveling with overheard this group of older gentlemen talking loudly about Walmart and then the word "retard." We were in a small rural town and her son being younger than my daughter, I decided to show her the ropes. I walked over to the group of men, dropped my business card on the counter in their midst and said, "Some of us find that language really offensive." Then I sauntered away.
A few minutes went by wherein there was some commotion among the men. Finally one of the older gentlemen walked over and dropped my card back on our table. "I said I was gonna go get me a job at Walmart as a retiiiiiired greeter." Took me a minute to get the southern twange and decipher the word retired as oppsed to retard. My companion was under the table already, but I just busted up laughing and we all ended up having a big chat about disability and retiiirement!
Finally, My daughter had a friend who simply could not be broke of the habit of using that word. Finally, she used it yet again, and I immediately repeated the manuvuer she had so labeled and said, "I'm so sorry that was soooo KIMBERLY." She was shocked and horrified. I explained to her that from now on whenever I did something stupid, I was going to say that. She started crying and said I was mean. "Really, well, I think it is equally as mean to use a label that people I care about are forced to endure all the time to suggest that you have engaged in some form of stupidity, and thereby they are also stupid." She never used it again.
My children have always warned the friends they brought home that, "you don't use that word in our house". They grew up with the children I taught and loved them all the way I did.
Lisa
I'm so happy you're mad & you're blogging about it. I checked out your blog this am expecting to see nothing for to-day....you're back with passion & outrage & a bottomline that can't be moved!
I don't even think those blessed with common default faculties should even acknowledge that there are people with developmental challenges outside our tv bubble classrooms and boxstores. And that anyone referring to anything don't know about should be canned. Especially if it was intended to ride general dominant culture norms to gain its humour, and not be directed spitefully at a specific person. Indirect hubrous should be punished.
Except when one person who can claim victim status can ride dominant culture's default ignorance all the way to another's ruined employment situation for creating discomfort, in a show of escalating, recycled anger.
I think THOSE people should be able to make the call.
But not me, of course - I'm perfect.
Dave, here's a very informative website:
http://therword.org/
Kei:
I like the speech you link to against the word "retard." (http://kei-unlimited.blogspot.com/2007/08/heroes.html) As a deaf person the video was completely inaccessible to me (no captions, alas), but I did read the transcript.
Two things do bug me about it: one, the assumption that a person with cognitive impairments is necessarily wholly defenseless ... I would think that would simply serve to reinforce the mistaken image of people with cognitive impairments necessarily being perpetual children. I think it's possible to stand up for their rights not to be hurt by hate language without reinforcing that kind of stereotype.
Secondly, the speaker very naively seems to assume that "every" teacher would necessarily take a stand against anti-gay speech. From the stories I've heard, and the research I've seen about anti-gay bullying, it just isn't so: some teachers not only passively stand by when students pick on each other for being "gay" (or when they use the "faggot" word etc) but sometimes even actively participate in the bullying themselves.
I don't see how it helps the cause for stopping use of the word "retard" by pretending that other forms of hate speech are somehow necessarily any less pervasive or less tolerated -- when it just isn't so. Hate speech needs to be stopped no matter who the target is. Seems to me that it would be more effective for all targets of hate speech and their loved ones to work TOGETHER and support each other's causes rather than trying to advance one cause by trivializing the need for another.
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