What happened?
A couple of seconds ago I was a teenager who knew it all.
A couple of minutes ago I was a kid who couldn't wait to grow up.
How come back then I looked at adulthood as a piece of cake. Something to rush into. Why did they lie to me? Why did they tell me that when I grew up I'd have power and control? Be the master of my own destiny.
They didn't tell me that life was hard.
Really really hard.
They didn't tell me that life came at you fast.
That it's easy to lose balance.
It happened when I got home on Sunday. Checking the messages on the machine.
Wham!
I should have seen it coming. You know how when things are going a little too well, you gotta be careful, watch for the catch.
Well the catch caught me.
One phone call and it all came back.
A sense of inadequacy.
A realization that life's tasks will always be just a wee bit beyond me.
That it's possible for a fat man to bite off more than he can chew.
Damn.
Has this happened to you? Suddenly out of nowhere, when least expected, life throws you a curve and you feel just plain overwhelmed and under prepared? You wish you could climb under a blanket and hide from the world? You long for the days when you were filled with actual down deep hope?
Damn thricefold.
I want a bigger catcher's mitt.
I want warning before the pitch is thrown.
I want to believe again that I can, if not catch the ball, duck it.
Damn in the thousands.
Giving up seems like an option. Admitting defeat.
But hopelessness is a disability I impose on me.
And I choose not to impose it today.
Maybe tomorrow.
But not today.
Hopelessness is an option I'll always have if I don't use it.
And it's nice to have options.
So not today.
3 comments:
Even if they had told you, you wouldn't have believed them!
My favourite line today?
<...hopelessness is a disability I impose on me>
I just had a couple of weeks that sound like your bad day, but what I learned was:
1. When you know you don't have anything to give in THIS situation and all of your experience isn't enough to rely on--God already has a plan and is waiting for us to cotton on to that fact.
2. A team is a wonderful thing--the team that came together specifically to help me work this difficult situation through were hand picked by God. Each one had part of the insight needed.
3. When I got over my, "I'm the leader, I have to be the strong one syndrome," the other team--the one I lead, wrapped themselves around me like a great big hug, and became the support for me that I try to be for them. It felt very,very good. It was worth being "spent" for--I'm energized again now!
Dave,
I am sorry for whatever threw you for such a loop today.
Lisa
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